okay so im 14 yrs old and i feel pretty religous. all my friends think i am the most religous but i have this one problem i just cant stop. i am not actually masturbating at all but i am going on the computer (around 3 to 4 times a month) and looking for some sex stories and i end un seeing stuff in my underwear. every time this happens i really try to stop and do teshuvah but it never works. i feel that once i let my yetzer harah get a little it takes a lot. Please help me i really want to stop. Right now i feel  a little urge but i am not going to
thank you

abie. it is a pleasure to be the first to welcome you to the site. IYH there will be many others like me as well as the administrator to give you some advice here.

I actually struggle with exactly what you are talking about- looking for sex stories/excerpts online.

Firstly, you need to get a filter from k9. Do you know what a web filter is? just google "k9 web protection" and take a look. You will need a password- i can hold on to that for you if you want. Then you block whatever you want : "sex", excerpts, romance etc. Lemme know if this option will work for you.

Even after you install the k9 software, you might still need to address the issue, because there are so many other ways to get what we want. For that, you will need some more. I will let others on the site give you their opinons on the matter.

i just want to say that SG is 100% correct. the 1st step is a filter. i use k9. the way it works is that you need a registration code. i suggest that you mention your problem to the filter gabbai  filter.gye@gmail.com and he will tell you exactly what to do. also if you find that the filter doesnt block everything that you need to be blocked, then there is this program that the filter gabbai and you use at the same time and the gabbai can control your computer from his computer and add stuff to k9 without you having access to the password.....  also see  www.guardyoureyes.org/?p=24

Dear abie14,

Nothing you describe reminds me of addiction, just natural tayvo that is a bit twisted by shame, a big helping of bad habit, and some pleasure. You do it because it makes you feel good, right? Sounds normal to me. Not 'good', not 'healthy'...but not mentally ill, either.

So I thought a bit and feel like asking you this little question:

How old do you feel while you are doing the stuff you describe? 14? 30? Or perhaps more like a hiding 9 year old boy?

In my heart, even though I saw it as a poor excuse for stuff that adults do, I felt childish and ashamed....so I hid.

And how do I know that we all know it's childish self-centered stupidity? Answer: Because it's called "Adult"! The best secret of false advertising is to describe your product as excelling in exactly what it is most deficient. Hence the reform shuls called "derech emeth", pro-abortion called "pro-choice" (cuz abortion is about giving the fetus no choice at all!), and here - "adult entertainment"...please....big boys playing with themselves on tape and using women....that is what it means to 'be a real man'? The last time I checked, the only people of whom it's cute to have naked photos of were babies on a blanket. (I still wish my mother would put the ones of me away! :) Babies get naked with strangers (like the photographer and every old lady that comes into my mother's living-room!) and it's OK. Babies. Adults have self-respect. I wouldn't expect my boss to have a naked picture of himself playing the piano on his desk at work. Why is porn sane at all?

Yet I gave my life for it for twenty years. And you are using it now.

So. I know how immature I can be and just thought it'd be nice to ask how you felt about the stuff you do.

Hatzlocha,

Dov

Dov,
Can you just clarify, where exactly do you draw the line between addiction and simply 'feels good'?

Woops! Sorry I lost this one...been busy, vacating and with horrible wifi...

Anyhow, the basic difference between lusting for fun and lusting for addiction is that as an addict I discover that my acting out makes my life out of control....and I still keep on doing it. It means that it is no longer for fun any more, but feels like an obligation. A job. I need to keep doing it because acting on the compulsion is the only way I can hope to be free of it for a while.

If none of that makes any sense to you, then you are probably not an addict. If some of it or all of it makes sense to you, then get help and do not give up. And read the above posts again, 'si? 

Thanx dov,

But this consideration would  only confirms that one is  indeed an addict, but it is not a way of knowing that One forsure not an addict, it could very well be that  M & P do not mess up my life and nontheless I'm still an addict! And the reason it does not mess up my life is either b/c my life style fits in prety well with it, or the addiction is simply not as of yet intense enogh to intefear.

Does this not make sense?

 

do you think about P and M in inappropriate circumstances?
would you forgo any activities that are important to you for an opportunity to look at or act?
do you feel it is wrong?  if so, do you do it anyway?
do you forget/ignore obligations due to the issue?

First of all let me just clarify that this has nothing to do with me -14- , I was only asking in theory.

Secondly, surely even if someone is not addicted (just enjoys lusting here and there) he may still give up an activity or think about it while doing other things etc, even if he thinks it's wrong!

And again suppose non of what you described does not apply to someone, that could simply be b/c for example, he happens to be in shcool, he finishes at 6 so he has plenty time to do things later, or/and maybe he is not extremely hooked yet, everyones addiction started off light, and not so oftan!

Dov,
That post above about the lie of 'adult', wow that was great!

makes me feel a lot better.

kutan

Yes, yes, not-14, OK....so if it does not make your life screwed up (unmanageable) then I have little to say. I will indeed leave that to the good people, or whom there are, thank-G-d, many.

Technically speaking, if you find what you are doing tolerable, who exactly are you waiting to get you to quit? "Ein hadavar tolui elle bee" remember who said that. The definition of intolerable - "I gotta quit this!" - depends 100% and only on what is inside you own heart. Not on what the Torah says nor on what anyone else tells you. If you find it acceptable and really believe deep down inside that you can afford it - then you will keep doing it.

If you are coming here wishing you didn't feel that way, I honestly suggest doing the following. Spend 50 seconds - just 50 seconds (I timed it!) - before and after each davening and bentching to say something like the following to Hashem:

Hashem. Please help me see how using pornography and masturbating is damaging to me. Help me see how it sets me up for unhappy relationships with others including my wife and children, and with women and with all your people, in general. Help me see clearly how damaging it is to my very sanity and to my relationship with You, my Best Friend who will be the only one here with me after my life here and for eternity (except maybe for my wife...You know how that works, not me).
Please help me see clearly how my life will be better without my habit, and help me get over the terror I might feel when I imagine really giving it up and not having porn to turn to any more. Show me that You love me and will take really good care of me.
Even more than that, please help me enjoy every step of recovery You give me.
Thanks for everything You have given me to this point even though I deserved none of it. And in that same spirit, please give me what I ask of You now.
Help me be Yours today.

This is not nuclear option, just another tool on the way. In the z'chus of the Chofetz Chayim (whose yor tzeit it is TODAY) who made up a personal tefilloh of this nature for Hashem's help to be saved from loshon hora during that day - one day at a time.

Have fun, and have a good Shabbos!

Dov, firstly thanx for your time again.

Also I thought I said this before that this question does not apply to me, rather I simply asking in theory,(as to where I stand in this issue I'm prety sure that it does mess up my life in some way or another) and just to clarefy, my question (to which I'm still waiting for a satisfactory answere) is as follows:

Based on what dov said earlier, I understand that there may a person who despite the fact that- he is invollved in inapropriate thing, perhaps even on a daly basis- is nontheless not nesaceraly an addict.

So I asked dov to explain when DO we know that someone is an addict?
To which he responded, that if it is messing up ones life, they can know that they are aaddicted.

My question now is, what if it is not messing up ones life, does it mean that He is not addicted, (in which case I would ask you to explain why! Surely the reason it does not mess      up his MIGHT be simply because for whatever reason his particular life-style or at his stage in life it is very east for him to watch P and to  M in his free time without it taking him over completly!) or does it simply mean that he has no PROOF that he's addicted, but really he is, (in which case we would fall back to my original question ie, in a case where ones life is not being messed up as a result of M&P, is there any way of knowing whether or not he is an addict?).

I hope it is now clear, and if someone could shed some light on this matter, I would really apriceate it, thanx. 

Dov... that tefila is beautiful.

Thanks, Kutan! We are not in an art museum...don't appreciate from a distance. Use it! Haha!! ;D

14! Hey, by the time you are done figuring out if you are addicted or not, the party may be over! Maybe that's not so bad....

But seriously, you are pushing me into a corner so here it goes:

Yes, masturbating is a terrible thing to do, show us Chazal. Er and Onan would agree, I believe.... And surely, having sex with myself (that's exactly what masturbation is, of course) is destructive to me on many levels. And yes, we yiddin aught not do it.

But that has nothing to do with whether it is an addiction, as far as I know. Why does it matter to you...if it's not an addiction does that make it OK? If it is does that make it OK? And if yes to either, who really cares? It is your life that is going by while your brain watches and analyzes it. Is that analysis an addiction, perhaps?

So....

Dang-nab-it! Quit playing around, and discover yourself already! Nobody can answer these questions for you! And if they could, they still could not answer them to your satisfaction! And that's normal!

So, please try the 60 days thing I suggested above. Not as a challenge, c"v - that's not the point of it, at all! It's not about right and wrong or aveira/not aveira...it's about the facts of what it does for you. Do it to know what your life is like without lust and masturbation! When you take away the medication, the illness declares itself!

And if you are not using lust and masturbation - just enjoying it (cuz it feels good, I seem to recall...) - then what big deal will the loss of 60 days without the great pleasure cost you in light of such a great experiment?

Stop being a 'poseyach al shnei has'ipim' and go for it, man!

I love you!!

Your brother in confusion,

Dov

Dov,

I think you've still got still got the impresions of me from when I was still 14!!! which even though I'm now 16, was 2 weeks ago

Many things I said then aren't true.

And I am aware of the fact, that people are often desperate to 'diagnose' themselves with some sort of 'problem', so this way they feel better with themselves because-"I don't masturbate, I'm ADDICTED!".

Indeed I'm not too worried about whether or not I'm 'addicted', I was only interested to know where you draw the line.

Kesiva vachasima tova!