30 days, then on to 90 days. I started this goal to break free and be clean a year ago, and achieved.

Unforuntate, maintaining such a level requires greater focus and determination. For one reason or another, I lost that inner power as a priority, and consequently fell several times. On each occassion, I read tikun klali and tried to express my pain, regret and feeling of being ashamed. In retrospect, despite my efforts and sensitivty in doing this so many times over, there was a part of me that was in denial. Not wanting to accept the fact tact I had slipped up, and re awakened what has been the most important aspect of my life for 7/8 years.

My creative energies was redirected to my business, and in building self confidence a focusing on my every day work, I lost the attention of my priorities. I have particular character traits, such as creativity, love for people and spiritual sensitivities and seek alternative and varied ways of expressing my inner strengths. Ultimately, I have a strong sexual drive that has become increasingly and regularly frustrated as my goal is to marry and build a family.

This heightened sexual desire is actually a symptom of a deep subconscious need, that has still not reached fulfillment for some reason. I have been searching for this meaning all my life, and its upseting me as with strong self awareness I believe I understand my purpose or role in life, and on each occassion where I have accomplished or achieved some form or success or challenge, and despite expressing gratitute, soon after I fall by sexual illusion.

This past month, I have fallen countless times, about 7 in the past week alone. Its has felt like a vivd dream when after falling it is all but a form of memory. The feeling of guilt, pain or embarrasement just hasn't been the same intensity as it has previously (or should). I try to express myself through pray and tears, but feel victim to the yezer hara as I feel no inner power o determination to win the battles that surrounds me. I have the strength to remain positive and stand up again, but at the time of the tests where is my will power to fight and succeed?

this sounds so similar to everything I have thought and felt.  more so than most of what I have read here.
First of all, understand that while our issues have subconcious and spiritual basis, especially at the begining, there is a biological aspect of the body's natural inclinations (nefesh bohemas).  You're doing great.  Just recenter/focus and keep on maintaining!! Now is a great time to do so!

I hear you.

I have the same thing. Sometimes I fight my urge and sometimes I 'drunkenly' go with my urge. Why can't I fight it all the time?

We have a public life- we are honestly frum, we know that p and m are wrong, we know the sefarim etc. that is 90% of the time. But we are not in a position to sin at least for me. we are learning, davening, with our family, etc. we are not near a comp by ourselves or in bed.

The other 10% is our private life. It is where we 'forget' the halachos, so to speak. It is where we are not so careful about controlling our urges. we are in bed and a fall takes very little time as you know.

Nezach,

Have a seat.

I can very much relate to lots of your character as you described them.

You seem like a spiritual person and seem very in tuned to your feelings as well.

You wrote"I lost the attention of my priorities" oh... that is the biggest problem in short. A great way to sum it all up.

I would recommend you should look in to the phone conference i myself recently joined and gain tremendously from. I think it can help you through all the issues you described.

You can find the info about the call here www.guardyoureyes.org/forum/index.php?topic=1219.0

Thank you for gathering the courage and effort to reach out in this tough time. Your in the right place.

Keep on posting.
David.

Since my last post, I have regained clarity about my priorities and goals. In fact, a lot has happened and I've been asking myself some important questions about my outlook to life and reasons for being frum. Although this is not the time to write about my recent experiences, I fell this afternoon to temptations on the internet. I heard the rationalisations debating in my head and continued, although after a short while managed to resist continuing and got away from the computer. t'G!

I feel disappointed although I see the positive end, as well as finding it quite humorous in a sense that its days before Rosh H.

My wish is that I would have had the strength to resist the desire from the outset and not have let down my guard. Something to work on from a psychological and mental perspective over the coming days!

My Hashem bless us all with His mercy and kindness to help us regain strength, determination and humility. We will all win this battle, and break free in the coming days, b'ezrat Hashem.

I am so upset with myself as I fell again. Why is it so hard to change? I thought I had internalised the lessons from being in a relationship with someone, which gave me hope, focus and clarity. Now that its over, for all the right reasons, it is so clear that God wants me to maintain that level, and yet despite a chance before Rosh H, I have sunk to the depths of falsehood.

Every time these tests, or opportunities come my way, the desire is stronger than my determination. How much longer must we be in this exile? How many more days or pain, anguish and despair must we feel and experience before ongoing joy, a true state of happiness and peace of mind?

Of course this is the best time of year to renew ourselves, but I don't want to be writing this again next year. I honestly want to break free and live a clean, dignified life without this guilt and feeling of embarrassment.  I struggle not to pray and cry about Teshuva, but about actually doing Teshuva. It has been years of the same old addiction. Enough already. I'm sick of not allowing myself to move on, making real progress and a real difference.

But I'm scared. I feel this way b/c I know that my test is to succeed in resisting desires and lusts, which so often suffocates me. I don't want this to be a Rosh H and YomK like any other. This is my life. I don't have time to waste, or moments to kill. I say I want to have dignity, courage and strength, and where is it when I need it most, at the times of lust? Hashem please have mercy on our souls, find our sins and wipe it clean. I need to be in the mindset of begging for these bad decrees to be removed, so I can have good health, income, a relationship for marriage and family - to live.

Its been a long week, although an inspiring one given rosh hashanah. I feel focused on reflecting many aspects of this process. Values, reasons, strengths/weaknesses, achievements, lapses. etc. I am determined to strengthen my resolve to breakfree by yom kippur. by this I mean I do not want to be repeating myself thereafter YK, and not re lapsing. of course I need and pray for Hashem's help although now is the time to redefine who I am and what I am doing with my life. it takes effort and courage to live counsciously and reflect on my own life objectively. its quite an eye opener as to how my past year has unpanned. times of lapses has resulted in greater emunah and a stronger sense of self acceptance - which is important progress from the years before. also realising that it felt normal at the times when I was not lapsing, which could be complacency. either way, this has been a year of change although not perfect. it is an awesome feeling to understand what and why we are facing these tests and at what period of our life. it is now a new year, and I want desperately to maintain its renewal and to breakfree.

We must remember that we cannot possibly change in a day. (or even a week or month!)

You should not be too hard on yourself every time you don't live up to your expectations. Sheva yipol tzaddik, a righteous man will also fall, he may fall many times! But he doesn't wallow, he doesn't stay down. he gets up, knowing that he might fall again.

Enter Yom Kippor with the knowledge that you are working on getting out of this quicksand. it is a gentle work, but is a process.

Hashem does not expect you to accomplish your life's work in one day. (If He would, we would only live for one day!)



Keep looking forward, only forward!




May you merit a G'mar chasima tova! And may this year be a better & easier year than last year!

May you see much success in ALL your endeavors!

im pleased that im back on to the forum, its a good way to express myself as im currently finding it difficulty to talk to other people in general. its been a tough few weeks for me and I feel bad that its showing by my lack of communication; its seems that im just feeling sad, somewhat lonely and non motivated..possibly burnt out. im also quite frightened by 'life'; there is so much time over the chaggim to introspect that ive lost my 'extrovert' personality. i think back to the painful memories and show self pity, feel a loss of confidence and independance whilst being worried about the future. and yet the chaggim remind me otherwise, based on the themes of dependancy on Hashem and trust etc. however nothing seems to be helping.