This is my first post...........it is the only way right now that I can confess my sins.....

I am married and have one beautiful 3 year old boy.  My wife and I have been trying to have more children.....but how can i expect such a B'racha  when i am spilling seed??

Here's my story:

I became Baalei Teshuva when I was 30 yrs old, I'm  35 now.  I grew up in a world where masturbation was not only an accepted norm but a natural, even encouraged, healthy release of sexual energy......I feel indoctrinated by this mentality because despite the tremendous spiritual growth i have had for the past 5 years, i still masturbate.....despite 5 Yom Kippurs of real teshuvah, despite countless tears and fervent prayers to The Ribbono Shel Olam, despite the instant disgust I feel as soon as the act is done.....I have not been able to stop.  Sometimes I go weeks without  masturbating, without even thinking about it and then the yezter hara grabs me. For a few days, I fight hard, i resist the temptation, but always, eventually, it is too strong, and i gave in....... i know its wrong, i can only imagine the destruction i am causing.  in so many other aspects of my observance i am 100% yiras shomayim and yet I always fall. Why??????

I need help.........

Welcome!




Depends.  Many of us here, myself included always fall because were addicts.  We are often reasonable in every other respect except when it comes to lust, when we can be irrational beyond belief.  Addict sounds like a harsh title, but I'm so much more happy and free since I have come to willingly identify that as the reality of who I am.  I stopped beating myself up for being "bad" and instead have compassion on myself as someone who is unfortunately not healthy.

The basis of my addiction is spiritual in nature and therefore so is the treatment.  I don't know if you are also an addict but if so you have a good head start.  Given your background it sounds like a spiritual solution is something you would do quite well with.  Feel free to share anything here.  You will find lots of identification and a warm welcome.

Hatzlacha

don't know if im a addict, hard to define.....i usually go 2 or 3 weeks without acting out before i fall.....is this an addiction? when i do give in, i feel like its a compulsion, like I "have" to give in....is this an addiction?

Welcome!

Definitely sounds like it. You would probably give up anything to stop but you continue doing it anyway (you know that you'll regret it but you do it anyway). I also had a hard time accepting it but I now believe that I'm an addict and that I'm not in control (but I'm obligated to stop)...

To be honest I'm only in the third step and I have many questions and I'm trying to figure it all out but it's nice to know that there is a system that was proven to work. You're definitely at the right place. Check out the 12 steps and SA, I'm sure that many things will fall into place.

Best of luck and chodesh tov.

Welcome aboard, chaver. You seem to be wondering how to settle in: is this an addiction, a compulsion, or what, and you're wondering what might be helpful for you.

I think that for me, the ability to post in a 'safe' setting has been enormously helpful. I'd encourage you to continue posting more about what's going on. In my own (minority) view, I've never seen much value in distinguishing words like addiction, compulsion, emotions, fun (!), etc. The question is whether there's something in our lives that we'd like to upgrade in terms of yiddishkeit. If the answer is yes, then there's work to do. I don't care how many &*#H+ steps are involved -- 1 or 12 or 1000 -- it's simply work.

For me, I haven't felt much pull to the 12-step model, the SAnonym live meetings, the GYE phone support groups, etc. For others, recognizing an addiction has clearly been very helpful. To each, his own would be my counsel to you. You'll figure it out.

And look at what I'm seeing here in you -- a dedicated BT who loves Hashem and wants to follow in His ways and feels a pull away from chet and toward a spiritual upgrade. That's pretty simple, basic, honest, and achievable. I don't know you to even speculate as to HOW you'll get there, but I can guarantee you that if He has wanted you this close, He wants you closer. He'll do it, and you'll go along for the ride.

So surf around the site, read some of the handbooks and things, read the beginning of frequent posters' threads to see their stories, and post some more.

As I said, welcome aboard. This is a truly unique and heilige place. Enjoy it.

Welcome! I really feel for u as u struggle with this problem. Elul is a zman with tremendous siyata d'Shmaya and maybe this year will be different. I can really relate to your feelings of guilt. While we have deep love for Hashem and sincerely desire to be loyal to his avodah,the Y.H. and Goof have different agendas. Please don't despair! Have a look at Rabeinu Yonah's Yesod HaTeshuva,printed in the back of Sharei Tshuva or in some machzorim. His point is to start fresh and not to let guilt from your past failures discourage u from beginning again.
Also,it is very difficult to deal with the times when the wife is not available for intimacy.

I grew up in a world where masturbation was not only an accepted norm but a natural, even encouraged, healthy release of sexual energy......
I also grew up with this mentality and still relate to it even though i have been frum for 30 yrs. 
B.H. i am in a new period of sobriety thanks to the brachos of
face to face S.A. meetings and a sponser who cares about me.
Chodeh Tov! Take a small step towards Hashem and He will help u. 
Your loving brother,Y.A. Please keep us posted.

I have had the same struggle and similar cycle for many more years and have found strength in the calls. (pls see my into post in Introducing yourself)
Right now I have a major struggle, but have reached out to others here and it has cooled off.
The main point I am seeing from my few weeks on is that we cannot fight this urge ourselves, it is stronger than us and needs a group effort. I have joined the Duvid Chaim conference call and it has been very important. I encourage you to do the same.

I have heard directly from an internationally  famous Talmid Chacham,one of the truely outstanding Torah teachers of our generation,the following advice for dealing with  overwhelming distress. His instructions are as follows:
after Shacharis say the following short Prakim of Tehilim (13 and 142) then say the following prayer to Hashem (not on Shabbos or Yom Tov). If the Hebrew is too difficult, they could be said in English.
"Ribono Shel Olom,ayn ani mevakesh elah rachamim"
translation Master of the Universe,I am only asking for Divine Mercy".

btw (my own comment) What  a better time to cry our for Divine mercy than  this month of Elul,when Hashem wants us to come close to him.

its has been a month since I last acted out....tonight I'm out of town on business. staying in a hotel.....this is a big point of weakness for me.....i davended to hashem a few weeks back to have the Yezter Harah ease off a bit and it seems i have been answered up to now..but now im in a matzav where i feel the urge coming on......i think just being on the forum writing is helping....

I have a thread that specifically deals with the challenges of travelling. Please take a look and feel free to add your own thoughts.

www.guardyoureyes.org/forum/index.php?topic=2665.0

Please PM me if you want additional help.

dear buddy kosher.
Yasher Koach on reaching out
1 to Hashem and
2 to our chevra
feel free to pm me.
btw your post reminded me of times when i acted out with m* when i was home alone. Once posted a picture of my Rosh Yeshiva on the bedroom mirror to act as a deterrent.
also want to share with u a tefiloh from the sefer Kav Ha Yashar who give this eitza for those going out of the beis medresh "Ribono She Olom Chunsha Nah Lmalteini M'Yetzer Harah v' kol kat delay,amein."  approx translation:
Master of the Universe, please have pity and spare me from yetzer harah and his associates.

buddy,
keep us posted how u r doing?