Hi Friends!

Newby here.

I have never, ever, touched myself or masturbated. However I was addicted to Porn for a long time. I am clean since Peasach.

One of the main reasons I looked at porn was because I grew up in a home (not frum) with no love. And even now that I am married (over 20 years) my wife (ffb) has been very problematic, and very not-supportive. It just boils down to me feeling really *alone*. This is what got me into porn. I felt like these models (who could not really care less for anybody) were expressing warmth towards me by showing me themselves. I would never want to look at porn which involved any males, just girls. After fights with my wife the urge was greater. Like a feeling "Look all these beautiful girls want me, even though my wife doesn't". Anybody felt something similar? Any comments?

Thanks

Hey,

Glad you dropped by. I don't have much experience with your issue (I'm not married) but I've seen many people write similar things on this forum (stronger urge when in argument with wife). You will find lots of love and support on these forums. I really feel that I made some close friends here. I am addicted to porn and masturbation but I didn't act out since I've been on this site (28 days). Just post here when you feel weak and post on other people's threads. I always feel as if I'm writing to myself when i write to other members because ultimately we are all dealing with the same problem. If possible, also install a filter. If you need a more "intimate" relationship, you can sign up for a partner (fellow struggler) or a sponsor (a mentor - someone that has been clean for over 90 days).

Chodesh tov and hatzlocha.

Fatty,

Welcome.  I really related to your post.  Although earlier in my life porn was always accompanied by masturbation, since I'm married 99% of the time it is just porn.  I use it like a drug to numb my feelings and being very emotionally co-dependent on my wife when we get into fights I have a whole lot more feelings that need to be numbed. 

It is very perceptive of you to be able to identify what it is about porn that makes you feel good.  Of course looked at objectively it is fairly insane thinking.  Porn starts are getting naked because someone is paying them to.  If it was just me and her she would probably blow smoke in my face and walk away, but when I see her in the moment I think, WOW she loves sex, she loves me, everything feels better.  It really is insane thinking. 

Hatzlacha

R' Yid,

First, congrats on keeping clean since pesach. You are certainly doing a good thing coming here to ensure long term success.
I can certainly relate to the way you feel.
From some personal experience I can say:

1. Looking around at, "what's out there" may give a momentary escape/fix but it won't bring long term happiness.
2. Obviously, you need to improve your marriage. You will me much better equiped to do so when you have successfully stopped, "looking around".
3. There is no magic bullet and it may take time. Withdrawl from addiction can add a short term challenge, but this is the plan forward.

I hope to write more when I have more time. 

Hatzlacha Rabbo,

Get the book "Out of the Shadows" by Carnes and you'll understand why.
It's natural to get nourished by our parents and when we don't we look for it
elsewhere because touch and love and connection with people is a natural
part of leading a healthy life.  The remedy therefore for porn is to connect
with real people who can love you for who you are without judgment, comparing
or guilt trips.