BS"D

Dear Friends,

After I finally felt that after many years my state of mind becomes better and better, did I have a very good conversation with my wife just Moitzee Shabbos. The beginning of the conversation was very pleasant and encouraging for both of us. At a certain point though I dropped the bomb and told her about my addiction of watching p*** on the internet. Initially she started crying, saying she didn't understand.
Then it made place for anger. "Why didnt you tell me to re-install safe-eyes!"
I answered her that it wouldn't have treated the cause.
Logically she was very upset, and I understand that very well.
I would also be.

Then came the point which I found very difficult. She told mee she had a relationship with a frum boy before she became a giyores, (that I actually knew already). She told me that as soon as she went into the Mikveh she never spoke to him anymore or even called him. She chided to me: "Why are you not able to do the same with internet?"
Well, I have very much admiration for her ability to stop this relationship. I am sure it was very difficult and I have really tons of admiration and respect for her doing that. I also understand her equation of my addiction to her former boyfriend. But she doens't understand that there is a big difference between a boyfriend and an addiction.

Ever since last Moitzee Shabbos I walk through my own house feeling like a criminal.
True she tries to understand, and ven talks to me almost as if nothing changed, but I know that she feels different about me.
She asked me for the email address of my Rabbi. I spoke to him (he knows about my problems and been helping me for a long time). She emailed him a few times and made an appointment with him this afternoon. I am just so nervous.
Maybe she would want a get, I don't know. I am going through gehinnom once again.
I need chizuk, and I have the need to tell my story (which I just did).

Levi613

Wow, well done.

What you are saying sounds very positive to me on all levels.
It sounds like she loves you very much and the fact that she's willing to go with you to YOUR rabbi who knows about the problem is a good sign.

She opened up to you, she obviously trusts you.
Even if her immediate thought is to want a get, the fact that she's willing to go to your rabbi together means she is trying to work this out, trying to deal with it.

"I know that she feels different about me. " There's probably a big element of shock and it will take you both some time to deal with this. But you admire her for opening up, I'm sure she admires you for it too.

The "gehinnom" you are feeling now is an atonement, a cleansing. I know it hurts. But it only hurts right now.
Today, Right Now is the start of a new life for you, a clean, honest life. The pain you feel is the old crap being burnt out of you, making room for much holiness!

Hatzlocha!

Keep in touch.

Btw, my wife converted too, our stories are so similar.

Can we get a happy crying smiley?

Dear Levi:

  Don't ever take Hashem out of the picture.

You did what you did, and Hashem is here with you...running the show as always. 

  You had only good intentions, i.e. to have more of an open, and trusting relationship with your wife.... for your wife to really, and truly become the Ezer K'negdo, that she is meant to be.
  I don't believe that anything bad will come out of this, and you too should trust in Hashem that it WILL turn out for the best.

  The fact that she is going to meet with your Rav, (who is already there to help you), can be very positive. She has only been surprised, and now she needs just a little time to digest this new information, and to really understand what it means.

  If you were involved in much more severe behavior, (which is not the case), then I would not recommend one to divulge this to their spouses.  But, in this case, I cannot possibly see her wanting a get, nor for your Rav to support such an idea.

Lighten up, and know that all will turn out good!
 

Good work on telling her. That is a big step towards recovery.

Have her sign up to the forum and write to me at eyes.guard@gmail.com so I can give her access to the "Spouses of addicts" forum we'll she'll get much support and advice.

Wow. Amazing. Shkoiach.

I'm wondering if you're part of the fan club of "The Garden of Peace" (R' Arush, English by R' Brody). I ask because it has examples of how to share 'bad' news with wives in ways that make them feel loved, honored, respected. Since after all, you're telling them bbecause you want the marriage to be better, because you love her, etc etc. Otherwise, it can turn into the wife feeling she's not good enough pretty enough, etc -- and she starts feeling bad enough to take it out on you.

I'm not saying any of this is happeneing to you -- I don't know your situation. I'm just saying that the way we share this stuff with our wives can make a difference and this book is my BIBLE (K'Y). Same for lotsa guys here, too.

Just one feeble attempt at some practical advice, if it is that, intended to show I care. Lots of folks here do.

BS"D


At this very moment my wife is speaking to my Rabbi. She  told me that he said to her in an email a few days ago that he thinks I am not enough emotionally attached to her.
I am sure he is right, since I started wondering: What does it really mean to love your wife?
It can't be just appreciation and a feeling of mutual destiny.
I always have been very, very happy about my wife. But I started questioning lately what should be understood in love for her. Do I love her like I love myself? I don't believe so. I always said I loved her, but that is maybe an attachment in the sense of "I can't live without you, because I need you."

Is there a selfless kind of love? and what are the dugmois? I haven't understood marriage yet, after 7,5 years.

Of course Hashem Yisborach is never outside of the picture, but this is a new type of challenge, which I never dealt with before.

I just try to make sense of everything and truly be Emes to Hashem Yisborah, trying to make myself in a true Yiras Shomayim (without superficial trappings) and a emeser Eved Hashem.

Zait gesund.

BS"D


Most things of Rabbi Sholom Arush I like. Breslov has very practical sides to it. But I sometimes doubt if the authentic Torah-dike way agrees on everything he says. No offense!! I like his stuff very much. But I am not part of the fan club even though I put all his books in our kollel.

Thanks for the Chizuk and warmth!

Levi613 wrote on 29 Jun 2010 12:27:


And I hope you can somehow convey to her that you're now taking on all this hard work BECAUSE you want to feel MORE emotionally attached to her. That you're doing it because you DO love her, love the marriage, love both her soul lovingly and her body lustily, etc.

If she thought that you were cold AND incapable of change, the Rav's words could be fatal Ch'V. If she thinks that you don't LIKE being so cold and will do ANYTHING -- even show up here -- to fulfill the kind of love that she deserves from you -- well, maybe you've got a fighting shot.

Just one more thought for the fire from just one more guy who doesn't really know you and is shooting in the dark....

B'hatzlacha!!

Levi613-

I know that the forum is generally more chizuk inspiring, but your post made me very sad, sad to hear what you are going through, as well as nervous for myself.

"he thinks I am not enough emotionally attached to her.
I am sure he is right, since I started wondering: What does it really mean to love your wife?
It can't be just appreciation and a feeling of mutual destiny.
I always have been very, very happy about my wife. But I started questioning lately what should be understood in love for her. Do I love her like I love myself? I don't believe so. I always said I loved her, but that is maybe an attachment in the sense of "I can't live without you, because I need you."

Is there a selfless kind of love? and what are the dugmois? I haven't understood marriage yet, after 7,5 years.

Of course Hashem Yisborach is never outside of the picture, but this is a new type of challenge, which I never dealt with before.

I just try to make sense of everything and truly be Emes to Hashem Yisborah, trying to make myself in a true Yiras Shomayim (without superficial trappings) and a emeser Eved Hashem."

Your post made me think about a lot of things. First of all, Im ready to cry from seeing your words of trying to be emes to hashem yisbarach. such purity and clear desire to be davuk to hashem. okay, now i am crying. how can hashem turn down such a request? i cant talk, let alone type right now.

love is complicated. when my eyes clear up and i can see the screen better I'd lkike to discuss it further. v'ahavta l'raiacha kamocha. how can we be mekayem it if we dont understand it? and marriage in frum circles which generally results from metting a girl a few times and not really knowing her very well. its nothing short of terrifying. I'll be back.

Hatzlacha Raba

Levi613,

I wish you much Hatzlacha in your recovery and God runs the show so I wouldn't worry too much about what things feel like in the short term.

I just want to put out there for others reading the thread that although what's done is done and if it happened it means GOD wanted it that way.  For others I would recommend do NOT tell your wife of your addiction until you are well into recovery.  In SA as part of every newcomer meeting we read the part of the Whitebook that gives that advice.  I personally know at least one guy who told his wife too early and is now divorced - he was not yet sober enough with a new attitude and way of living and his wife just freaked out.  Often we want to tell our wives because we don't want to bear the guilt ourselves anymore but it is not necessarily fair to them or the marriage.

I personally never had to face this exact situation as my wife found me out and that is what really brought this to the fore for me, but I have had experiences since then when disclosing too much has been damaging. I have found with my wife that not opening up about things that she doesn't need to know has been the best policy so far.