Hello new friends

My battle seems to have put on a new face.
I am almost 3 weeks clean and am afraid.
I am now telling myself "You've done it. You're no longer addicted. It's okay to look at people on the street again, you can be 'normal' again. you can let your guard down".
I'm sure this is not true, but some backup would help...

Another battle I am having is with my ego, manifesting as anger. The symptoms are all the same as this addiction.
Someone (the same person I mentioned in my intoduction post) that I work with does something small, probably unintentional and I react in a bad way, a hurtful way.
I know the reaction is wrong, I regret it afterwards, all the normal addiction signs, except it's with anger. I am taking out my feelings on her possibly because she was a big trigger for me.
In my anger addiction, I had a fall.

ToAdd

15 days ago i ws in exactly your position, 20 days,

was ontop o the world and invincible

i even started showing off to my religious friends about how im properly shiras habris etc, that shabbos was not as good as my presvious clean ones, i was finding shmiras habris harder, anyay when i came home i watched some thing didy an the next day felllllllllll, IT WAS A BLOODY HARD FALL

DDDDDDOOOOOOO NOOOOOOOTTTTT MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE, KEEP YOUR GUARD UP, EVEN HIGHER, LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO ME.... I WENT INTO THE STANDARD FALL SPIRAL OF CONTIUAL BREAKINGS AND HAVENT HAD A BETTER RUN EVER SINCE, WITH AS MUCH CONFIDENCE ETC, HBH HAS GIVEN YOU THIS RUN AS A MATANA LEARN FROM IT AND USE IT AS THE ONE WHIHC YOU WILL BE CLEAN ON, DO NOT JEPORDISE

hazlocho my friend...

Yeah, man, I know, it stinks. I'm slipping a lot this week, even after a very long clean streak (69, then 1 day fallen, then over 100 more). I'm even starting to think a day or two of fall would even help (?) by taking away some of the tension, irritability, whatever. It's "probably" a stupid idea, but it still crosses my mind.

So I guess you should know the temptation is still there for me even beyond that "magic" 90 day count. So all the MORE so, if you're not working with that base of the "rewired thru 90 clean day" brain.

Hatzlocha. Go read a sefer, maybe, help someone, whatever....

Thanks guys.
those are some sobering thoughts.
Brings my head out the clouds, aiming at my feet.

I'm sorry to hear about your falls.
Does counting the clean days really help? Sure, it's nice to look back and say "I've done 18 days", but there's also "I've lost so much now". Before I started counting the days, if I had a fall, it was just that moment that I lost. An hour or two, not weeks.
I can't even remember what caused the last fall, just boredom I think.

Hatzlocha, Hatzlocha.

Jamie ToAdd and to any one else who needs


It makes no diff..

Just keep on bouncing along

Get up fight

Truck

Lorry


Just do what you can for today

Yes for todayyyyyy

One day

On hour

At a time!!!

First of all, I never told you "welcome," so - welcome!

The real question is, do you want to be "normal?" When we talk about that word, especially in regard to this issue, we run into all sorts of problems. Normal means checkign out girls in the streets. Is that something you really want to be part of your life? let's face it - there's no way to check out girls that isn't Lust-related.

Be happy with being clean, enjoy the feeling, appreciate it. Focus on how good it feels, but remember that it's always a danger.

silentbattle wrote on 25 Jun 2010 14:26:

I guess "normal" is the old me. I am now a new person, A person I now respect.

I was about to say "This is so hard". But right now I have nothing around me that tempts me.
Any images that are in my mind, I put there, so I can choose to replace them with positive images.
Unlike images that are outside my mind, These go away if I do not focus on them.

There's work I need to do, and only I can do it.