Deep down I know that it is the root of all evil and that it can kill me later on. I constantly remind myself that my future marriage is on the line but it doesn't help! Perhaps I feel this way because I'm single or because I've been brainwashed by society. I know that there is no answer... just extremely frustrated. 

Reb Installed, it's not as hard as you think.

It sounds like you already know how bad it is, how destructive it can be. It's just the impulse that keeps coming back. That happens. You're aren't the only one this happens to. Look around you.

This isn't something that gets beat in two seconds. This isn't a one-time, final battle to which the victor goes the spoils forever after. This is a war. A daily, constant war.

But please don't think the battles are continuously heated, never to quiet down. They do simmer down. Moreover, by developing better coping mechanisms through learning and disciplines, much of the battle can become second nature, a matter of the careful upkeep of fences (something all Yidden are admonished to do).

Things aren't going to always be so explosive and stark. They will get easier to handle. All of  us have different challenges in life. Each of us has to apply whatever is necessary to elevate ourselves to a better place. In this way, you are no different than the next guy.

Have faith that things will get better. Take steps to get to that better place, even if you feel terribly far. Soon, you'll look back and be glad you did. Maybe you should try one of the 12 step groups offered here? The company of fellow fighters will probably do you a world of good.

Reb Installed, keep your head up. I'm trying to do the same thing on my end. Things are going to turn for the better.   

installed wrote on 17 Jun 2010 16:06:


why so hard on yourself! 

you are wise enought with Hashem's help to know this is a problem BEFORE your marriage - that is HUGE!!!!  you are not coming to this forum after marriage after xx years of porn and mas^^^^^tion! 

constantly ask His help and you will keep on top of this ... and your marriage will flourish.  Keep on this forum -  I even read of husbands who tell their wife their dirty little secret - now those are the real tsaddikim!  Wow - such bravery (i'ma coward) and such wonderful, hard-fought-for marriages!

have a great Shabbos!

Dear Installed,

I am the admin of this forum. Welcome to our community!

Scientific studies have shown that it takes 90 days to change a neural thought pattern that was ingrained in the brain through addictive behaviors. Did you join the 90 day chart on-line? Sign up over here...

Make sure to install a strong filter. It will be almost impossible to break free of this while having all the garbage within a mouse click away. See this page for one good filter option, along with instructions on how to install it best - and give away the password to our "filter Gabai"... See this page for another 20 (or so) filter ideas and information...

We get cries for help every day, by e-mail and on the forum. Tzuras Rabim Chatzi Nechama    And that is why we created the GYE handbooks (links below). If you read them well, from beginning to end, slowly, and try to implement what you read, you will find the answers within them to enable you to completely turn your life around. You're worth it.

Also, join the daily Chizuk e-mail lists to get fresh chizuk every day, and post away on this forum. You will get tons of daily Chizuk and support. This disease can't be beat alone. It works best when you get out of isolation!

GuardYourEyes also offers various free anonymous phone conferences, where you can join a group of other frum Yidden, along with an experienced sponsor. See this page for four different options. Our conferences are taking place daily, throughout the week... This would be a tremendous step in the right direction for you and help you learn freedom from this addiction. Not only will you learn the secret of the 12-Steps - which is known to be the world's most powerful program for beating addiction having helped millions world wide, but joining the group will be another way of GETTING OUT OF ISOLATION and connecting with others who are going through what you are.

One of our goals on GYE is to help people "hit bottom while still on top" so they will take recovery seriously. To explain better what I mean, please see this page. If you're here, it means you're already taking serious steps in recovery, so keep up the good work!

Let me tell you a little about the two GuardYourEyes handbooks. The lay down the cornerstone of all our work at GuardYourEyes. Before the GYE handbook people would often get "lost" when coming to our website, not knowing what tips and techniques to try. For example, someone with a low level addiction wouldn't jump straight into therapy or 12-Step groups, while someone whose addiction was more advanced wouldn't be helped by the standard tips of "making fences", putting in filters etc... For the first time ever, this handbook details all the techniques and tools dealing with this addiction in progressive order. Now, anyone can read it through and see what steps they've tried already, and if those steps haven't worked, they can continue on through the handbook to the next tools, as the suggestions become progressively more "addiction-oriented".

We suggest printing out the handbooks and reading it them at least once. Then, we suggest going back and reading them again slowly on the computer, and this time pressing on the many links that are found in the different articles.

And the second handbook, called the "Attitude" handbook, can also help anyone, no matter what level of addiction they may have. Often people write in to us saying that had they only known the proper outlook & attitude that we try and share on the GuardYourEyes network when they were younger, they would have never fallen into an addiction in the first place! So we hope that through this handbook, many addictions will be prevented.

The handbooks are PDF files, set up as eBooks, and they have bookmarks and hyper-links in the Index, to make them easy to navigate.

Right click on the links below and select "Save Link/Target As" to download the handbooks to your computer.

1) The GuardYourEyes Handbook
This Handbook details 18 suggested tools and techniques, in progressive order, beginning with the most basic and fundamental approaches to dealing with this addiction, and continuing down through increasingly earnest and powerful methods. For the first time, we can gauge our level of addiction and find the appropriate tools for our particular situation. And no matter what level our addiction may have advanced to, we will be able to find the right tools to break free in this handbook!

2) The GuardYourEyes Attitude
The Attitude Handbook details 30 basic principles to help us maintain the proper attitude and perspective on this struggle. Here are some examples: Understanding what we are up against, what it is that Hashem wants from us, how we can use this struggle for tremendous growth, how we can deal with bad thoughts, discovering how to redirect the power of our souls, understanding that every little bit counts, learning how to bounce back up after a fall, and so on and so forth...

May Hashem be with you!

thanks so much for the refresh. i also suffered a recent loss and the words of comfort and simply hearing your struggle gives me much chizuk

im looking forward to hearing mre from yoU... Please keep me posted :D

Well, depends how you define normal. The definition of normal, is average, what most people do. So, maybe it IS normal. It'll still destroy your life, you're still nto really happy with it (or you wouldn't be here).

But your yetzer hora (or addiction, or whatever) convinces you to keep doing it, by tricking you. When you accept that, then you can realize that the real you, wants something different!

You can check out some of the recent posts on my thread, which addressed this issue a bit (click on the link underneath my post!)

5770 wrote on 17 Jun 2010 17:15:

Who said that it's wise to tell your wife your "dirty little secret"?!!

Anonymous wrote on 18 Jun 2010 01:22:

Well, ME for one. Not that I know anything about anyone else's marriage, and don't want to. Nor do I want anyone poking around mine. Every single marriage is different. Period. But...

if we can't cry on each other's shoulders in the middle of the night, about something we couldn't face in the light of day, and know it's safe... well, what kind of marriage would THAT be?

Crying is definitely more intimate than , if you ask me. So in my world, yeah I tell her. And eventually, she sees that telling is safe and tells me, too.

Now, we guys still have to be "the rock of reliability" for our wives, not a buncha whining wimps. But that doesn't mean we can't get "real." And truthful. The whole truth. And nothing but the truth. So... HELP ME, G-d!

Your mileage may vary. As I said, never look into someone else's marriage.

Briut wrote on 18 Jun 2010 02:19:


Bruit you make a very good point. we need to use discretion about what we tell our wifes. Taking that thought on step further, if telling her about all of our "dirty secrets " make the relationship worse,like she will loose respect or she will decide she wants out because....catch my drift