First I went to a public computer to look at porn (my computer has webchaver). Then I was mz''l after months of not doing that. Then I did it again. Then I called someone I dated before I was frum for 2 years who is *not Jewish* who I know is devoted to me and would do whatever I wanted sexually without asking for anything or expecting anything from me. I struggled and struggled and eventually gave in and went to visit her. Now I'm hungover from all this and feel disgusting and scared of the repercussions in this world and the next.

The thing is, I really tried not to do this. I was fully aware of all the reasons that it is bad, that it was pure yetzer hara, that I was going down a path of destruction and misery, I saw the page on GYE that discusses the halachic ramifications of having relations with a goy. I called out to the Ribbono Shel Olam, I tried to distract myself, I said Shma, but I was so stuck on this and so full of lust that I was paralyzed and so I did it just so I could move on. I couldn't bear it anymore.

I'm desperate to reconnect with purity and wisdom and kindness and selflessness. I post this with great trepidation as I feel like I have removed myself from the whole community of decent people by doing this.

I guess now I know for sure that I am addicted to lust and need SA. There are no meetings I can get to, but I will IY''H join Duvid Chaim's group every day.

I just needed to write this and to reconnect with the GYE community. I feel like the lowliest, most despicable person in the entire world.

Rage ATM wrote on 06 May 2010 18:57:


I do think this is a community of decent people coming out of isolation to work on themselves and help others. When I am in the grip of the addiction, I don't want other people getting in the way of what I want, which is schmutz. I isolate myself and that is dangerous. But when I share with you I feel somewhat redeemed, like I'm not a terrrible person, just someone with an addiction and I'm trying.

Have you noticed that the (supposedly temporary) place that hosts this forum is a website called "my dumping grounds"?

This is either a big insult, or a big yesod (mikimi m'af ha'dal; mi'maakim k'rasicha H').

Not sure which.

I think what I'm trying to say is that there are many kinds of bottoms, dumping grounds, pits. Some are destined to help us learn, integrate, and reach new highs. Some are just humiliating time-outs (or dungeons).

There's a line that "you make all your money in a down market." You have a chance to fine tune your portfolio and focus on what'll bounce back fastest.

Am I making any sense?? Might I explain better if you ask? Hmmnn.

I don't have much to add to Rages great advice. Sometimes Hashem brings us to fall only to see what we'll do NEXT. Sometimes we need to hit bottom so we start taking this disease more seriously. All the Kabbalistic and Halachic issurim won't stop an addict. You have discovered that you are a real addict, so welcome to the club and use the tools that addicts use to live healthy and fulfilling lives!

One thing I'll add is something which I've seen in one of Rabbi Twerski's books (I forgot which one): The Yetzer Hora's purpose is not (only?) to cause us to sin but to destroy us. So if your guilt has reached the stage where it is destroying you, then that's probably also the Yetzer Hora. Especially in your case, because you wrote previously in your postings about all the meds which are going through your system, and probably these meds (and/or lack of meds) affect your moods and decision-making processes. So based on your description of that and your whole medical history it could be that your choices are more difficult than other people.

Rage's advice was great but I'll argue with one point he said - I don't think you should show her your postings when you break up. It's not her fault that she's from a different religion and she won't understand the significance of this fall for you. From your description she didn't do anything wrong, and she'll probably just think you're a bigot and ungrateful guy. If you break up explaining that this relationship isn't good for you because of your situation, and it has nothing to do with her, that will minimize the hurt to her, and you'll feel better too.

Good Shabbos !

I just read about how G-d's love is infinite, everything will one day all be turned to good and our sins will be turned to merit. There is hope. You can continue. But I would lose the bottle, too. It just isn't worth keeping.

Keep your head up.

If you believe you can break something, have faith that you can repair it.
R' Nachman

Thank you everyone. The bottle analogy is a good one. I am about to call her and ask her to never, no matter what I say later, allow me to come see her. I'll tell her bad it is for me and how if she wants what is good for me, she will help me stay away. That way we can both get on with our separate lives. She knows deep down it's the right thing.

Show her your thread here

B"H you fell...

no body rises up until they fall back...

now dust yourself off...pick yourself up and start climbing upwards!

you can do it!