I need help. I used to struggle with p**n, but I got a filter a while ago. I broke through the filter, so I got a better filter. I used my phone, so I cut off internet access to my phone. So far I've been able to protect myself from the yetzer hara with filter that cut off my access completely. But I have a new nisayon that i can't just put a filter on.
      This nisayon is dirty texting. It's with a girl who I have quite a bit of history with, and we really like each other, and I'm not willing to end my relationship with her completely but I do need to figure out a way to control this terrible habit. We both know it's wrong and we both want to stop, but we keep getting pulled into it. How am i supposed to deal with this?
TOF

Come on. You know the answer. Namely, you have to ... simply... stop.

Tell her, no. No texting. Period.

You're asking for more tools? What, because you think you'll outsmart the first set of tools? Well, yes you can. You're smart enough to outsmart 100 sets of tools. Are you asking for 101? I think, no.

But since you're maybe asking, I guess I could venture one thought.  Are you willing to give up all texting? That might be the only way to stop this texting.  I don't know if other carriers are the same, but Sprint will cut off texting on demand. Account changes require the six digit pin. If you give your current pin to the filter gabbai, perhaps he can change your pin to something you won't know. bingo, no more texting.

Of course, you'll be smart enough to undo this one, too, if you want to. Just call in and say lost PIN and provide all your personal info, etc. So who's gonna be your accountability partner or whatever?  Come on, you know yourself better than anybody -- just ask yourself, what's it gonna take to make it stick.

Unless of course you're trying to tell us that sexting a single woman is a good thing....

Okay, fine, there's your tough love; what am I missing about your story that changes this view?

When you say that you really like her, can I ask what the relationship is based on? IS this a woman that you'd consider dating, or just someone that you like a lot and really get along with?

I used to date her but we broke up. But I still like her. I think I might love her actually.

This might sound like a harsh question, but do you plan on dating her seriously?

we were dating quite seriously for a while, but there were issues so we broke up. But yes, I think I will probably date her seriously in the future. I mean, we're practically dating already, just not officially. And we both really care about each other. And we dated for 6 months shomer negia but then we messed up a few times, and then we would talk to each other about what happened. But the inappropriate stuff isn't the basis of our relationship, I just have a hard time talking to her without bringing it up, but I'll really try to stop. I got myself into a mess because I started dating before I was ready to get married, and shomer negia relationships are really really hard. But now that I've met this girl the truth is I could see myself being with her long-term.

So maybe give each other some distance, knowing that's the only way you can actually build a healthy relationship later on. For me, it was necessary to turn off "dating mode" for a little while, knowing that I might miss opportunities for people I thought were right for me.

That gave me the clarity I needed when I started dating again, after being clean for a while.