I just had a close call and feel i need to just write it down for some reason. i was on a computer with no filter and than i was about to type in a website for p**n and suddenly i realized what i was doing and with no thought what so ever i just bolted away from the computer as fast as i could and now  i am on a filtered computer huffing and puffing and hurting just a little bit for my quadricep sprain. but i am ok for the time being. i just am quite proud of myself and hope that is something i could do again if need be. i really hope there will not be a need though!

I whole day I feel like I am standing at the edge of an abyss and keep on catching myself from jumping.
I mean this figuratively. The abyss is the tumah that I keep on almost jumping in. A whole day I almost type in p*rn.

Glad to know you also feel like this sometimes. I think its called a freudian slip.

CA: I think you once mentioned that these unfiltered computers are IN YOUR HOUSE. Yuk.

I wonder if it might be worth your considering... whether it would be any harder to come up with some way to get filters onto them, compared to... how hard it seems to be to deal with the slips that inevitably come.

I'm old enough to be your father; I even have teens of my own. I don't think I'd do a lot of second-guessing certain ways my kids might come and ask for filters. (Even as a member of this Forum, I don't think I'd do a lot of second-guessing! Maybe I'm naive; maybe I'm not naive enough.)  Maybe:

1) Rabbi X and Y in town have talked about how every Torah home needs its PCs filtered. Since my own laptop has one, I'm not really concerned, but I think I'd just feel better if we followed the Rabbi's request that we filter them all. I'll even install them if you want, and you can keep the codes. Would this be okay?

2) You know, on the desktop I've seen some things pop up while I'm searching for stuff. I don't like having that happen to me. I don't think any frum teenaged boy would. Could we try those free filters that Rabbi X talks about: maybe it would help?

or, for the truly self-secure:

3) Mom, I have a favor to ask. The internet on the other PCs isn't filtered. It can let stuff in that we don't want here. I'm a normal, healthy, curious teenager. I don't like having that temptation around the house. So many Rabbis say we should have a filter on it. I'd feel more calm if we did. Would you do that for me?

There are probably dozens of other safe approaches. And if the request leads to more questions, I think it's fair to say, "I'd rather not talk about it. It's just something that any normal, healthy teenager might be curious about. That's all, OK?"

This might be difficult, but surely not as difficult as dealing with slips and falls. And you KNOW this advice comes from all around this site.

I'm not equipped to give you any mussar on this, just a peek into what a parent might hear when a teenager talks.

Thank you Briut, ok just hear it from my perspective (not to contradict yours i just want to map out the best approach if there is one) I have a laptop which i work from and it has a filter. the computer which i was on at the time is my fathers and he does not. my computer for some reason blocks out clean stuff as well sometimes, like mi adidas which is a place where you can customize adidas shoes, anyway it is perfectly safe.

when i was trying to find way of preventing myself from going around the filter i closed my eyes and changed the password because at the time i had no one to give the password to but my parents don't know that and so according to them there is no reason for me to be on my fathers computer in the first place in which case it does not matter if it has a filter. in summary i have no reason to be on my fathers computer and therefore should have no problems with there being no filter. i am supposed to be a good kid who is able to restrict himself from that stuff and know better so a question like not being able to control myself and going to a non filtered computer would not really make sense.

                           PS. I don't want anyone to think that my parents are bad parents or something just like it has been mentioned about Anne Franks diary people over analyze her relationship with her mother as being terrible but you have to remember that you only hear when she is venting about her mother and typically she won't start writing how great her relationship with her mom is. for some reason what i write does not always put my parents in the best light but they are really great parents and if you went by the normal way i behave p**n would be the last thing you thought i was having a problem dealing with. i hope this reply was not to long and you read it  because i would really like feedback.

CA:

I'm still thinking this through. Crashing on business now, but should have more to say tomorow.

In short, though, you're gonna havta find a way they'll filter their machines. You'll find one.

More tomorrow. Thx.

i have been thinking about it as well a few things i have come up with are that maybe i should make a neder that if i fall two more times without going over my original streak of 55 days i will ask. this might help because it will be a deterrent for falling and if i do fall twice  it will help me to get an additional filter. this does not really answer my dilemma but it is a thought. looking forward as usual to what you have to say Briut have a goodnight.

Chazak Amenu wrote on 28 Apr 2010 02:09:


Congratulations on pulling away.

You may be able to put a filter on the router: www.safekids.com/2009/07/30/netgear-router-filters-porn/

Although I would think that by now you understand that the effect of p**n will go much farther than just providing a release that one time. When you feel that you can't function without the release you should go from memory or imagination, not use p**n.

Chazak Amenu wrote on 27 Apr 2010 17:10:


This is analogous to what the Torah says about Yosef ha-tzadik and Potiphar's wife. He fled, and then went out. I think there is a pasuk in Tehillim that says "the sea saw, and it fled." The midrash says "what did the sea see? It saw the bones of Yosef" (which the yiddim were carrying out of Mitzraim.) The correlation is that Yosef's decision to run away was as unnatural as the sea splitting. In deference to that tzadik's unnatural behavior, the sea opened up.

I think Yosef had a much tougher test than any of us do, but still tearing yourself away from p**n when you are very very close to it must be really valued in Shamayim.

Briut wrote on 28 Apr 2010 01:37:


FYI, here's where I'd hope some kid of mine might come out. If I got this, I think I'd even cry a little tear of joy that he's so insightful, brave, edell, and open to a parent's help.  And CA, you can do whatever works for you!  My draft would be:

Dear Imma,
This note is a little uncomfortable for me, but I could really use your help.
It has to do with the family's computers.

It's great that I have my own laptop, and I appreciate your putting a good filter on it.
Any teenager, especially a good kid (like me :-> ) would appreciate filtering.
Still, filters sometime block sites that I really know are okay for me. (adidas.com, etc)

So I did something I probably shouldn't be doing.
I've gone onto Abba's computer.
I can reach the sites I want...
but sometimes a search will pull up an image that a frum teenager just doesn't need.

I think I'm a normal frum teenaged guy, and these images can stick in my head.
Can even make it tempting to click on them. I don't want to!!

Anyhow, I'd feel better if all our computers had good filters.
I'm embarrassed to ask for this, and to admit to Abba that I've gone onto his PC.

Could you write back with some advice on filtering the other machines?
It's important to me.

Thanks for tackling such tricky parenting jobs so well. I appreciate it.

I love you.

I am going to PM my reply ok?

Just wanted to say that it's a great idea to post about victories as monumental is this! You feel great and you want to share, you want to let other people know it's possible, you enjoy the pats on the back (VERY well deserved) that we give you, and all that makes it easier for you to do it again!

AWESOME!!!

Thank you!

frumfiend wrote on 27 Apr 2010 19:35:


Reb Frumfeind, how can you have unfiltered access at your finger tips? You're an addict, for crying out loud. We need to put up strong fences or we're dead. End of story.

I will bli neder try acountability software .
I know this is hypocritical but I have forced everyone I know with a computer to install a filter even if they don't use the internet.

frumfiend wrote on 29 Apr 2010 19:39:


Funny how I find it funny to see 'bli neder' and 'accountability' in the same sentence. I know there are halachic implications involved etc etc, but when I think of a commitment that profound, life-saving, etc, I wonder if some kind of neder, gader, shvua, whatever wouldn't help bring home your point that IT'S TIME already.

Ki ays l'chen'na, KI VA MOED!!

Not trying to jump all over you, just trying to share my initial reaction with you for whatever it's worth. (Frankly, my opinion is usually worth what you pay for it....)