Theres this pattern that leads to my cravings...
I keep seeing where something/someone questions my faith, I acknowledge that they have some validity to their statement, but are not righ entirely (this morning my parents referred to cultlike aspects of becoming baal teshuva.  While they had points, their point doesnt acknowledge any legitimacy to Torah) and my midn begins to spin.  Then I go into this spiral of "if it's not true, I can do ___ without a problem.  But thats wrong because it cuts me off from Hashem.  if it cuts me off from Hashem then there is validity. but they had a point.  but Torah is truth..." and I go through this spiral for hours.  usually, the spiral is accompanied by a desire to __.  Today that's the case.  I'm doing good fighting it. I even was able to take a shower without caving B"H(thats usually where things go wrong)(I also know it was risky, but I really needed a shower).  now I'm just kinda drained from the internal battle, and I have to go do school work that always leaves me feeling "secular".  I cant explain it, just this feeling that I've returned to the old me, with desires for treif music, activities and __.  anyone got any good pick me ups?

treif music is a killer you are so right!  I've been more or less off it for two years - it's a big help.

listen to some very loud MBD or something .... that'll cheer you right up.  Exercise hard that'll keep you straight ... go for a run, do kickboxing, do anything!  ;D

First of all, smile! Realize that you just accomplished something HUGE, and that you grew from the experience in so many ways, and that hashem is incredibly proud of you! What you accomplished has awesome value, that can never be taken away, no matter what else happens!

That may help you regain some energy.

Living with parents that are critical of your life choices must be difficult in general...

you are in a difficult spot  but Hashem does that to us because it only makes us stronger! If you feel like going to do "secular" home work remind your self that the home work is a tool Hashem gave to you so you could have a better opportunity to get a good job which in turn allows you to serve Hashem better! so don't look at as "secular" look at it as a tool from Hashem to help aid you in serving him better!

ugh.  I'm still doing this work.  its for a developmental psych class.  I'm on the puberty section.  these pages are bad triggers and its worse cuz I feel like a creep. no pictures just explantaions of process.  I am 22, I feel creepy for having desire sparked by preteen growth explanation.  ugh.  hanging in there though.  theres a reason for this, I just dont know what it is....

That is  a difficult subject to cope with especially if you are an addict. pictures are not the only things that are triggering reading is too. don't feel like a creep it is perfectly understandable especially from the view point of any one who is on this site! i am assuming soon you will move on from this subject and stuff will become easier.

ugh.  The last few days have not been better.  I've had an urge to look at things and to ma**** for 3 days!  And today theres these links on my email homepage for a tempting video that I would love to look at.  I've come close but didnt B"H.  It's days like this that I feel like an addict.  I'll have weeks with no problem whatsoever and then a few days like this where all I do is think about my urge and I notice every pritzus person (and theres a LOT at my school).  Ugh...  Sidenote I'm around four weeks without an incident where I actually caved, about 4 seconds since I wanted to...

i have it the same way as you there will be really long periods of times when the sailing is smooooooth but other times a hurrican strikes! delete the link! while you are feeling week try and remember how good it feels to be clean for a while and aim for that feeling again! you are in a difficult spot in terms of where you go to school but you have to try your best to guard your eyes which i am sure you are doing but i thought i would mention it anyway have a great day!

strugglingandstrivngBT wrote on 26 Apr 2010 22:13:





-From
תשובה בזמנינו
ד"ר בן-ציון סורוצקין

thanks for the support.  Tried, I'm sure what you put is great advice, I just cant read it.  I'm developing Hebrew abilities, but not there yet.  if anyone could kindly translate that it would be greatly appreciated!
thanks again!

Ooops sorry...

The first highlighted part says:

"Even though we are extremely deficient, God is still happy with us"
It was said by one of the greatest Jewish scholars (lived about 300 years ago).

The second highlighted part says:

"Even though we are sometimes impure G-d is still with us"
Found in Rashi (a commentary on Chumash)

The point is that G-d is not a monster... he knows that we sometimes screw up..
He is understanding and just wants to help us do the best we can...
And help us get back on our feet and be happy...

He never takes anyone to task for something that he was powerless over (and did the best he/she could do)...

G-d created this world for one purpose:
to give pleasure to us. The thing is that people feel shame when they get something they do not deserve.... So G-d designed a system whereby he places obstacles in front of us for us to overcome and then feel fully satisfied and unashamed with receiving his benevolence.....

No matter what we do... he will always treat us in a manner that is best for us... Out of Love, kindness, and benevolence.....

G-d definitely hates to see us in pain, and agony...

Peace and Love holy Brother....
Get to know G-d he's great to be around....

P.s. I Hope learning Hebrew goes well...

I read recently that an aspect of the infinite is that Hashem needs nothing from us. Everything, in this world, the Torah, the mitzvot and even the YH, is for our benefit. 

that is interesting because we were discussing philosophy and the guy who teaches us was having a tough time trying to explain to me that hashem does not need or want from us in the way we associate wanting or needing with like korbanos Hashem does not need or want them it is just something he tells us to do.

re: early posting about cults..


I had a Rabbi explain that Torah Judaism is different from a cult - because in a cult the members listen to what their leaders tell them to do.

re: family members who question your Torah observance...



dad, I am so glad you have taken an interest in what I am doing...so lets do this... tomorrow at come join me, we'll put on tefillin together, daven, and then learn after wards, etc

(real thick...like a heavy barbque sauce)

dad will eventuall turn around and exclaim - stop pushing your values onto me, and let me lead my life the way i choose..

no problem, dad, will you do the same for me...



I love you mom!
and you will alwasy be part of my life!

I fell.  The whole time I thought I can do this just leave just go and then I couldnt fight any more and I caved.  I feel awful.  I feel like a complete rasha.  I want to do better.  4 weeks.  done.