Morai V'rabosai,

Many of you in this site probably don't even know me. I am a GYE old timer, who has been sober for close to  F I F T E E N  months and still going, B"H.  My commitmment to sanity and sobriety is strong. If you want to get to know me you can read my journal I posted on google docs or you could read my thread: 15+ years of battle.

I wanted to share with everyone a very scary encounter I had today with the yetzer hara.  Today was my first major nisayon since the start of my journey  F I F T E E N  months ago.  Today was the first time I actually had a hava amina to sin. B"H, with the help of Hashem, I emerged victourous. Before I tell you what happened, I would like to share with you what I beleive was part of the cause of this situation.  Firstly, I have been lax in my davening for protection.  I used to daven constantly to Hashem for help.  But, as time went on, and my sense of security got stronger, I mellowed out.  The second thing was that my shemiras eynayim was not as strong as it used to be. 

So here is what happened.  I created a web page for a client to collect data for registrants.  Today, I was looking at the data and noticed a lot of indecent material.  There were lots of urls for p**n.  My heart began racing.  There was a small voice inside me that said, "What a shame to miss out on such an OPPURTUNITY. You won't have to feel guilty because You were not looking for it. And of course you can take just ONE PEEK.  And then that would be it.  You can go back to work.  And after all, you have been so strong, what could one peek do to you?  No one would know.  And besides aren't you so CURIOUS to see what kind of pictures they are. Don't worry this is is not a lust attack it is just a curiusity attack. That's not so harmful.  Go for it, yaakov.  Go for it"

And so there I was actually considering to commit spiritual/mental suicide. 

But...Morai v'rabosai, for the past  F I F T E E N  months I prepared myself for this moment. I davened to hashem the day should never come. But I asked if it ever comes, I should have the strength and wisdom and pull myself out of it. I spoke to myself constantly to always remember the future implications of my actions.  Never be fooled by the coniving ways of the yetzer hara.  I had to remind myself over and over again that if it is wrong and bad to look at porn and mas**bate; G-d despises it being and done and that's it.  I refrain because I was told so.  Not because it gives me emotional stability.  Period.  There is no room for debate with myself.  This I told over and over to myself.  And now the moment of truth arrived.  Here I was contemplating the most horrific act, and I said NO NO NO!!!  But he did not let up. He kept popping into my head to urge me to peek.  The impulses were strong.  He kept reminding me that it is just a peek.  That's all.  Just to satisfy the curiosity. 

Finally, I felt strong and said I will not.  But I knew I could not just sit there.  I quickly ran out and called my wife on the cell and told her what happened.  She knows about my past addiction (though not to its fullest extent).  She was pleased that I felt comfortable speaking to her about it. I told her that by speaking it out, it helps cool the fire. 

Later on that day, I went to the kosel to daven my hear out.  Firstly, I thanked Hashem for saving me from death and then asked for further protection. 

Tomorrow is the last day of behab. May Hashem grant us all full kapara and continued shemira from the yetzer hara. To be granted that shemira, we need to daven for it and constantly set up better and better gedarim.

-yaakov

Gevaldigggggggggg!!!

For those who don't know Ykvscwarts

He was Meakrev me to GUE (yes us zkainim say GUE)

Ykv don't be tzibruchin

Keep on trucking see ya in 15 months

Bardichev (bards that's what they call me now

Wow - that is an incredible inspiration to all of us. Both a reminder of the fact that we need to stay vigilant, and keep davening, and also a reminder that even with a huge temptation, we can still choose!

Keep on rocking!

The part that touched me most is that you were able to be open about it with your wife....

Hope you appreciate that....
I am single.... and pray to someday have a wife that I can be open with like that....

Much success...

rabboisai

i must step in and re-itroduce to you reb ykv schwartz

reb yakv is a talmid chacham

if you want to read his Torah its in the bais medrash and in the torah approach

we need to take chizzuk from him and we need to learn how to be open and honesy

lo nisnashee minach rebainu reb ykv vlo sisnashi minanan...

bards (bardichev)

i hope that i will one day be able to say i am 15 months clean!

bardichev wrote on 25 Apr 2010 21:58:


tzibruchin??

Tanse, Yankale, Tanse!!  :D

it really is inspiring. i felt like i needed to follow like an hour ago and was not in a position to because i did not have an accessible computer but i certainly would not have been able to stop myself. i still feel it but not as much.

Reb Yaakov, even through your moment of weakness you manage to inspire us!
Your warning is not falling on deaf ears.

Yaakov Schwartz is the tzaddik who helped me survive the initial highs and lows (not belittling Guard of course!) He is my Rebbe.
Wish you had time to return and keep us all inspired and climbing.

"Chazee chazee bonai chavivei!"

bardichev wrote on 25 Apr 2010 21:58:

:  :  :  :  :  :  :
Ykv_schwartz wrote on 25 Apr 2010 21:48:


???  ???  ???  ???  ???  ???

Ykv_schwartz wrote on 25 Apr 2010 21:48:


I find this to be unbelievable hashgacha pratis  that Guard put this post in today's Chizuk email for i also came very close to falling today.

Im also a bit of an old timer here and have recently marked one year -see here http://rehab-my-site.com/guardureyes/forum/index.php?topic=530.msg61760#msg61760 and some of my story in the Chizuk Email # 523 http://www.guardureyes.com/GUE/GUEList/GUEList11.asp - for me today was also a day that I was faced with old urges, nisyonos, lust attacks ........ that I thought were mercifully a thing of the past. I thought that i left all this behind me. I will spare the chevra the exact nature of the attack, the gory details so to speak. they are as unimportant as "last years snow", for underneath it all the BEAST is the same "guy" in a different disguise-

I haven't been as active on the forum as i used to be ......for all sorts of reasons..... mainly busy at work (which is a good thing in general) ........dumped the browser on my Blackberry (also a good thing)

I don't think that I"ve become complacent as far as davening for Divine protection or as far as watching dem EYES -.......but complacency take many different shapes and forms ......as long as we are pumping the red plasma through our hearts, HE ... will be lurking around waiting for an opportunity for us to let our GUARD down...

Love to all
a very humble

Noora

Wow this is incredible

Let's see if we can efshar letakain out of the nursing home to join the rest of the zekainim (ok 7up and zekainos)

B

Noorah BAmram wrote on 27 Apr 2010 01:03:


Hey guys we are in Parshas Emor.

L'hazhir gedolim al haketanim.

=To warn the gedolim/zekeinim to watch out for the small (by now) stuff!