Your wife is lucky to have you as a husband!!!!  :-*

Truly inspirational

Talk to Hashem

gevaldiggg

Thanks for your support guys, here ya go UAJ - www.theshmuz.com/tbtm_hilchos_niddah_refresher.html

an honest mouse wrote on 23 Nov 2011 22:27:


Thanks Mr Mouse!!

To focus on a few details from his words:

1- "Having been clean a few weeks before being with my wife" - so being away from sex a while can make it easier to do it right, not harder. Instead of the myth that "the 'pressure' builds up", it is the inner freedom from the compulsion and self-absorption that builds up.

2- Spending time close together and really being loving to this other person, brings more freedom from the lust obsession. Not as many assume, that we need to separate further in order to downplay the pain of missing out on the sex. It's quite the opposite.

3- Finally, the great fear that life in recovery sucks. It is a fear deep within many of us - myself included. It needs to be experienced for the bogeyman to disappear. It often returns, but we have a simple way of dispelling that fear - live it for a minute, take the actions of true love, and all is fine again.

Thanks for your observations dov!

Should a man tell his wife that he has ssa?

newavraham wrote on 24 Nov 2011 15:45:
Are you asking because you do and want to know what you should do, or is it just out of healthy curiosity?

If ssa is not your problem - and it is your own recovery that you are after, I will be more of a pain in the butt - and will suggest that theory be left way back on the back burner. How about sticking with actually taking steps to improve your reality?

I have so much to work on, to surrender and to work on some more. How about you?

Hello New Avraham,

Dov is one of the wise Zekeineim of GYE, listen to him !! 

Why complicate things.  I have come to discover that what some call SSA can simply be too much being pickled in the lust for years, that you go after anything and anyone.  work on the lust and it may disappear on its own.

I may be totally wrong on that, but In my hunble opinion, telling the wife can be opening a can of worms you may regret...

I know that the days is not the ikkar and i am ignoring it for the most part but i think that as long as we dont get carried away with it, it's important to take a step back once in while and take notice that Hashem is performing wonders and that there is progress.

In that vein I just wanted to share that with the passing on the month of Cheshvan, 2 milestones were passed with the help of Hashem.

1) that month was the best of my recovery and probably my life since 11/12, (bekiztur around 15 years) in both quality and quantity. I acted out on one day at the begining but otherwise 28 of the 29 days of cheshvan were clean!

2) My previous streak on the 90 day chart was 25 days around 20 months ago and i havent gotten close since. Today I have gone 27 days (today being day 28).

I told my wife that I just had my best ever month and she was so proud and happy bH.

ok, enough of the milestones. I pray that Hashem will continue to guide me and hold my hand through recovery and that each day will be a step further away from the lifelessness of the addiction.

an honest mouse wrote on 28 Nov 2011 13:48:


In that case Mouse, marCheshvan has turned into MatokCheshvan.  Reason it is usually 'Mar' (bitter) is because there are no yomim Tovim in the month to give us chizuk, but perhaps Cheshvan is the month that Hashem wants us to work entirely on ourselves, without the external help of a Yom tov, which is what you did, so Congrats !

I share in your simcha and can relate as I too have had a wonderful month of Cheshvan and feel proud of myself.  Sadly however in my case, when i told my wife about my wonderous discovery of GYE, and that i had been working on myself, instead of the positive, she began to focus on what was i doing before GYE, when and what etc, so its been a real test for me to hold on.

One thing I know Is that I can never allow the YH to let me fall as i have in the past, even if my wife throws me out, I somehow must stay strong.

I know with friends such as you, Reb Dov, Yosef Hatzadik, Obermottel, Reb Dovy from the SH/Eynayim classes, and others whom I have never met but feel as though we are all brothers in this together, and I can make it to the other side, wherever that place may be.

with a broken heart and love,

HY

AHM, its great to hear you doing well
keep rocking and rolling

and of course beware of milestones.
while saying tehillim yesterday i came a cross a posuk that seemed to say just that:
ואני, תמיד אייחל; והוספתי על כל תהילתך.
פי יספר צדקתך - כל היום תשועתך: כי לא ידעתי ספורות
תהלים עא

Hashem Yaasfeni wrote on 28 Nov 2011 15:34:

Thanks for that HY, that is very nice way of looking at things. Historically I always found cheshvan very difficult but I'm sure what you've said is emes that Hashem raises us up in tishrei and then says go on and do it yourself now. bH this was my 1st time i was mekayem this!

With regard to your wife, it guess it's too late, but did u speak it through with anyone before telling her, coz one needs good long sobriety before even considering telling and it's not always advisable. I didn't choose to tell my wife, she caught me and kicked off my recovery and for that i am eternally grateful.

wow, zemmy, that's an amazing posuk!

btw, i lived "love kills lust" tonight, it's such a beautiful and powerful weapon against lust. i had my first slip today for the past month and i was wallowing in the coldness of it, i was finding it really diffcult to shake it off. Then tonight, i decided to compromise and give in on something with my wife and it was like the heating came on in my heart, i was reborn. and i just had to give her more, so i ran out and bought her a small treat i know she likes and now my neshomah is ablaze.

what a priceless gift...

an honest mouse wrote on 29 Nov 2011 22:48:
that is heartwarming!
happy for you
thanks for sharing

an honest mouse wrote on 29 Nov 2011 22:48:


$50 says she saw it as no big deal.... :o

:-*