gosh, i've already got more to post!!
I just went to mariv and when i came out i saw an incredible trigger across the street. I was totally pulled in, 100% ready to act out, was gonna follow her when she went into one of the houses. I just sat in my car opposite her house for a few minutes totally torn. 1 voice said, 'wait for her to come out' the other said 'dont be so stupid, you have no idea how long that will take and your wife is waiting at home - she'll wonder where you were, besides Hashem has clearly saved you from falling'.

After a couple of mins i drove home still torn between being relieved that i didnt actually fall and upset that i 'missed an opportunity'. I felt really bad and was gonna come back on GYE and cry for help, i felt that it was only matter of time till the lust gets hold of me again and i fall. But, i stood outside my front door for a moment, looked up at the sky and said with kavonoh, 'Hashem, whatever this overwhelming desire to connect to that girl is, let that desire instead connect me to You, to my wife and to torah'.

Now b'H i feel a lot better but it was a close call, i only didnt fall coz Hashem took it away from me, in my head i was already gone, there's no victory there, i basically failed. i have to think about the 1st point in my previous post (the psycology of summery open permissiveness which is filtering into my thoughts) and really start working on GUARDING MY EYES!!!

I think that we put in the effort that we can, and hashem helps us - as he did you. So you didn't feel. You obviously did whatever you were supposed to do. Now, the question is, do you feel happy that hashem helped you? At least part of you does, so focus on that happy feeling, that feeling of enjoying being clean, and keep it in your mind.

bardichev wrote on 12 Apr 2010 15:40:


Wowie! Put so well, .... again.

ok so i had a fall  - but, strangely enough, i didn't get so depressed about it. I still felt a hislahavus afterwards when i went to daven mariv (right after... :-[). The main differences i felt were, that i was was less patient and attentive with my wife (which is rare b'H) and i feel a little more vulnerable and exposed.

I wanna explain how it happened coz when i read over it, maybe it will help me work out how to stop it in the future. The summer has been affecting me with its openess and permissiveness. The women in the street and in college aren't dressed so... dressedly... I've still been doing 'bekiyus' looking out of habit, I hadn't really started to work on shmiras einayim coz ive been concentrating on lust and i thought it would be too much to do both at once but i guess thats the starting point and ive gotta make it a priority. As the heat picked up so did my looking, bekiyus turned to iyun, then fully fledged staring until the lust built up. Then i wanted to fall, but in addition to the obvious reason (of giving to my desires) i also wanted to fall so i could start again and build it up, i felt i couldn't go on like that. (not recommended, thats just what i did) i was gradually slipping since shabbos/sunday and i kinda let myself go yesterday.

[b]What to do about it:[/b]
I've gotta figure out why I cant go past 3ish weeks till i fall again... i think im gonna learn up dovs reply no.28 on this thread, coz he talked about that.
I've gotta starting working on guarding the eyes more and perhaps make that my priority.
In the summer I would often skip night seder and drive around drinking in the sights and acting out, ive associated summer nights with this, thats what i did last night - ive gotta disassociate the summer from acting out -i need help with that, if anyone has any suggestions? Im telling you guys this for accountability, i wanna report back every morning this week that i drove straight to night seder and back - i dont want to let you (& me) down!

im taking the positives from this, my streak was longer and qualitatively better than ever before so i am improving. its 1 fall in 25 days rather than, 'oh no now i have to start all over again'.

However, i am worried that the other times i fell so far, i stayed in a rut for a few weeks. I think that staying in touch & interacting with you guys will help keep me on course - so feel fully invited to interact & give chizuk etc...
(sorry to be so selfish but it is my thread )

Thanks for reading! you can wake up now!

as Bard would say - fell, shmell!

pick yuour self up - get out of the muck and start climbing again.

victory is counted only  by the number of times you get back up - not how long you stay down.

Reb emes achbar ("truth mouse," close enough!), I'm glad to hear that you're back on your feet - posting here in any way that helps oyu is what it's all about, and we're all here for you!




It's funny how the yetzer hora twists our minds around, no?

I think part of the reason guarding your eyes helps is that it's another opportunity to remind yourself that it's not a deprivation - it's a positive think, a chance for freedom from the annoying burden of looking, thinking, caring about these things!

Total paradigm shift.

Thanks guys - DII - i thought fell shmell right after mariv! (which was right after the fall) - thanks bards!!
reb milchomo sh'keyto (thats pretty accurate no?) - im gonna go for that paradigm shift one step at a time!

Im happy to report my 1st day clean again - drove straight to night seder and back without peeping b'H. have a good night everyone!

Glad to hear that - that's fantastic!

You rock!

i fell again  this one kinda came out of nowhere. I have the k9 filter on REALLY strong and i had the sudden urge to see how much i could still see. Suffice it to say, enough to finish me off...  i cant let this develop into a rut! help me out of this guys!

still positive about the improvement, only 2 falls in 27 days - thats nearly a month! ( since starting to use GYE a few months ago ive been somewhere between 5 & 10 per month) but ive gotta change my attitude somehow and dig deeper...

the computer shouldn't be too much of a problem for the future because my wife has a password to turn it on and i will just not use it if she's gonna be out for long.

yea.. I know... curiousity used to kill me too...


after not clicking for awhile... I would be curious to know if the sites were still there (um, duh!!! )

and BAMMO!

until I learned the ONLY to win, is not to play in the first place!

Well said, DII! We're not here to fight, or to prove that we're strong.

Reb HM, right here, right now - commit to focus on each day, one day at a time. Set some kind of fence in place, and go through the handbooks for tools that you might fin helpful. Don't make huge changes, but look for a couple of small things that could/would help you.

Let's put it this way (and turn this fall into a positive experience) - what could you have done differently that would have prevented the fall?

Our Dearest Honest Mouse; Who would've ever thought that I will find a mouse dear  ;D

We are all following your progress. A dissapointment for you is also a dissapointment for us. Do it for our sake - at least.  ???

Please don't let us down.  :-\

We are rooting for you!!!!!  :-*

thanks you guys (DII, SB & YH) your chizuk makes me all warm and fuzzy inside, just what i need at this point! (especially that kiss yoselle...)
sb - i thought it over and i think what went wrong was that i decided a few weeks ago to do productive, mesuyum stuff that i need to do before stuff i wanna which could drag on (eg GYE...) today i didnt do that, i sat down to try and fix something on my comp instead of work, which dragged on and also reminded me of mucking around on the computer searching for p*** and probably called it up in my head, then when i got the urge i should've run away from the comp for a little while & probably made a phone call, but it came quick and i was sucked in before i knew it. now i know for next time.

In terms of tools i could use, im gonna start to go through the 'windows to your soul' booklet, learn up the 'guard your eyes' tool in the handbook with all the side meforshim and learn up dovs limmud about not fighting (reply 28). I just have to find the time, i dont have much time on GYE but i have to make it a priority.

thanks you guys for caring & sharing, knowing you are around helps more than any tricks & fences for the long term  :'( :-*

HUG !!!

walking from my car to night seder, i saw a trigger, the lust started to build up, i was heavily inclined to get back in my car and follow, but i remembered, hey ive gotta go straight to night seder and back this week! so i turned around and walked straight to night seder! :D