Thanks guys. I am saddened but not embarrased to report that I have acted out twice since my last post. The 3 week mark has felled me again. I am an addict and this is what I am prone to doing. This is no chiddush. My avoidah continues. One day at a time.

Shteeb, I read through the attitude book a few times when I first arrived and I found it very helpful. It changed me quite a bit.

I hear what you're saying about the natural urge getting stronger, although I think that that is made worse if you carry your lustings with you and dont let go of them, then they add up and join together to give it more weight.

I dont really know, but I am going to keep going and ask Hashem to help me through it. If He can help me through the 1st 3 weeks, He can help me through the next ones, right?

i'm very sad that this happenned to you. But, please don't give up. We all here need chizik and when we see other members make progress its cizzuk to all of us. if we can see that you pick yourself up quickly and move forward it will help us all.

Why are you thinking about 3 weeks or 4 weeks, why don't you focus at one day at a time. Don't care and don't keep track on the number fo days. Just mark your calander TODAY for your new start date and don't look at it again for a while. Don't even know wen you are at week 3, 4 or 6. just focus at one day at a time. 

After a while, when you feel more comfortable, you can look back at the calander to see where you are up to. But, don't look for a few weeks.

thanks for your chizuk shteighecher!

I wouldn't be an honest mouse if i didnt admit that there was a 3rd acting out and afterwards i was going in a crazy circle. I really have to get serious and find a new job - but how can i while im still acting out i need to work on that - but how will i support my family - but how will i hold down job if i keep on acting out and escaping?? all that stress triggered my natural reaction - run away to the happy world of lust, but i couldnt because that is what is messing me up and i could clearly see that it wasn't an option and would only make things worse.

That is where i was trapped, i had nowhere else to turn and that is when i surrendered. the same way i did 3 weeks ago - there was no way forward and i just had to give it up to Hashem.

It is a beautiful and lightening feeling. But do I have to go through all the mess every few weeks, cant i maintain my surrender and redo it everyday and nuture it. I assume that's what the steps do and I will be patient. I'm not going to expect everything to be fixed right away, it will take time.


But yesterday was unbelievable. After my surrender, I was in a state of serenity and calm and everything happened. I had some positive advancements in my search for a new job, I worked really well and prodcutively and things just fell into place, I thought of a good idea for someone i know who is in need of parnosoh and i finished an omud of gemorah that I have been meaning to learn since pesach!

It's unbelievable what only happens when we step back and let Hashem back into the driving seat. It's happened a few times already, trouble is, I forget too easily...

gevaldiggggg!
this type of surrender is a lot better than the Treaty of Versailles!
wishing you hatzlocha with life and with your job search

truly a beautiful thing

Sounds awesome - I hope things keep moving forward for you!

oy guys, thanks for your wonderful words, im in a bit of a rut though since thursday night, i dont feel in recovery, how do i snap out of it?!?!

maybe take a few minutes to sit down and talk to Hashem. review the basics. He is Real and He is going to take care of you.

(now that i wrote that i think i will try it too)

Do something different than whatever you have been doing till now.

have something to drink.

thanks guys, ive already sat down and talked to Hashem, it helped a lot, it's been a bit of an up&down day but by the grace of Hashem im still clean.

Dov - im planning to try something else, im planning to write down a step 1 inventory and share it with some safe recovery friends.

Shteeb, ill let u know if it comes to that!

Planning is OK, but just do it, trust me, don't plan too much. In that way, recovery is like Woodford: You can plan to drink all day and all night - but until you actually take that slug, you are still not seeing double yet!

ok, I've started writing the inventory...

glad to hear!
don't forget the Woodford though
have a great shabbos

Hi guys - im still alive bH. My recovery has been very shaky the last couple of weeks, ive mostly gone back to autopilot, but im nearly ready to do step 1 and I hope that will help.

I had 2 nice victories today tho, that I would like to share.

1) One of the bosses at my firm, who is usually a very nice and thoughtful guy, started telling the person who is essentially replacing me and getting the training i wanted, all about how the year of training is gonna be, totally within earshot of me. I felt so hurt and miserable, I was hearing all about what could of been for me but for someone else. I was getting depressed, i was a few steps away from making myself feel better the old fashioned way....

so i called my partner and got out of isolation, with the benefit of being able to take a step back and look at the big picture. Leaving this place is from shomayim it's in my best interest, i cant succeed here, its not the right place for me. So who cares what someone else is gonna get here?!

2) I've been buliding a lusting relationship (totally in my head of course) over the last few weeks with a frum woman at the office where i daven mincha during the week. Last week i realised it was getting too dangerous and would only lead to destruction so i spoke it out with my partner. Today as i headed to the door, i asked Hashem for help, we got to the door at the same time and i stared after her for a second. I almost started building up the lust in my brain, but then i remembered a line that reb dov often says, "I'm an addict, what do you expect?!" and i was able to laugh it off like he says does bH.

I called my partner to tell him so that it would be more concrete and i dropped it.

Thank you for that gift Dov!

I feel like im back in recovery now...