I have seen around the forum before quotes from chazal that we have to belive that the matsav we are in right now is exactly where Hashem wants us to be, even if it was us who messed up.

I realise ive come a long way with surrendering things that weren't caused by me, but i cant get over this job thing coz it was caused by me. My addicition and my escaping stopped me from progressing, how can i trully believe this where Hashem wants me to be?

I feel suddenly free. I'm not sure exactly why but i have come to a realisation that my life has been unworkable and spiraling down, with a combination of lust, escaping and stam leisure. I was given a 6 month opportunity to impress and get the training i need to progress in my career and i blew it because i dont know how to handle stress, pressure and uncertainty and i escaped.

Letting lust rule over me, has stopped me from really living life on and off, in periods when i am ruled by the beast, im tredding water instead of living life and moving forwards and upwards. Even though i have known the last few weeks that i need to snap out of it grow up and start working properly, i cant. Something inside me needs exploring.

I have to decided to really work on the steps actively and daily, to stay in touch and do something to change my rotten insides. My life depends on it and the quality of my wife and kids life too.

This is too big for me on my own. I give myself over to Hashem and the group... watch this space...

We are watching, and you watch our spaces, too. We'll all space out together...

(squeek! squeek!)

AHM just heard a tape from my chovos halevovos rebbe he says the chovos halevovos at the end of shaar ahavas hashem speaks about the chosed echad who said he never woke up in the morning in one predicament and wanted to be in another because if that what the RBSO wants for me obviously its the best. He said such a madreiga requires years of work (the whole chovos halevovos) but way we are capable of is that after we make our hishtadlus we can than at least accept the result that this matzav is best even if its not what we wanted. Not sure if it helps you clarify anything but I thought of your post them I heard it and thought I'd share it.

dov wrote on 27 May 2011 19:23:



Can I join in too?    Please??

Thanks guys. Thanks UAJ for the snippet.

I have realised something. I may be bad at getting down and working, i may be more of an escapist and the lazier than the next guy - but I am exactly the way Hashem wants me to be, with the exact character defects that I have.
I have been really down since this discovery, because I am comparing myself to normal people. People without this nisayon.

A whole weight came off my shoulders when I realised that I musn't compare myself to other people. I must only try my best and get help the way I need. It's nothing to be ashamed of or upset about - it's exactly the way He planned it. What could be more comforting than that?

On friday one of my kids was sick and i stayed home to look after them. they slept for a couple of hours. Until very recently i would have for sure acted out.

For the 1st time, i actually enjoyed my own company and chilled out the way i always want but never get to coz i use free time to act out. It was such a mechayeh and a refreshing change!

thanks for sharing such a beautiful post!

(shavuos should really be your favorite yomtov, no? cheese....)

an honest mouse wrote on 05 Jun 2011 22:02:


Better than being afraid of your own shadow!!!    ;D



BTW, I also enjoy your company!                        You know my phone number.........

So, yom yov is over and this is the time I usually crash and burn. This time, Hashem has been kind and provided a shabbos right after, but I still feel the overwhelming lack of a protective shield. I also slipped a little last night at a sudden, unexpected opportunity and that hasn't helped.

A little perspective to help me. Yesterday's slip has no bearing on today, coz of one day at a time, if I let go of the baggage that Im carrying from that slip then it goes away. In addition, yom tov doesn't make me clean and sober. It's being comfortable in my self with my situation, it just happens to be that on shabbos and yom tov im more comfortable.

But even weekdays were created and planned by Hashem... just keep Him close and keep recovery real...

Have a good shabbos

Have you read Maalot HaTorah by the Vilna Gaon's brother?  Go out and buy it TODAY.  By merely sitting and learning a page of chumash of gemara, you can cleave to haKBH and achieve incredible sights.  All the "lust" can be converted into a "lust" for H".  In time.

Thanks for your eitsa on the edge, I do get incredible joy from learning torah and connecting to Hashem. trouble is, there are times throughout my week that i forget and want to charge into the world of lust because a messed up part of my brain and my body are telling me that this more important right now. At that point torah wont help me because i am a broken kli and i cant be mekabel it. At that point i need to remember that i am an addict, sick and i need to connect with people like me to get a case of reality and let go of the craziness.

As I build up sobriety days, i get shakier and shakier. Every time I get to around 3 weeks, i start crumbling. This time is heading the same way.

Why does this happen? because i start (subconciously) to think i can do i it on my own, i start to make it my project, i pile loads of pressure on myself and make it a whole huge cheshbon, i stop living one day at a time because im building up my days.

The days, at least at this point in my recovery, have got to be a tofel added bonus. The ikkur of my avoidah is to keep talking to Hashem and keep using His help and asking for it, in all aspects of my life not just lust/recovery and to keep connected to people and stay out of isolation.

Im an addict and i cant make it without Hashem's help so why put pressure on myself to succeed, just do my hishtadlus and ask for His help - the outcome is His plan - nothing to do with me. This is a difficult way to get used to living, but it is the goal.

(Thanks Dov for helping me think this all through)

i feel your pain, can only imagine how tough it is. the good part that i see is that you are working on a better attitude and approach. the fact that Dov is helping you is great, he is the man.
wishing you the best

I'm reading through the Attitude Handbook these days.

Mouse, did you ever read the Attitude Handbook?

I wonder if your case is one of counting days, or a natural urge that gets stronger the more you go without acting out.  In a way the less you do it the more exciting the yh can make it seem.

Just a thought.