Why is it that when I allow lust in, even for a short while, even after I move on from it, I'm so much more sensitive to lust that day? I think it's because I went into taking mode and that part of me which was lying dormant, has awoken. That is big incentive not to take that 1st sip! How do I get out of 'taking mode', I start giving. So tonight, as I was driving to/from shul, I let everyone go 1st, pedestrians, cars, jewish, non-jewish - you name it, I let them go 1st and it really healed stuff.

As a sidethought, I find 'giving mode' really difficult to do with my parents coz I spent my whole childhood taking from them... does anybody else find that...? I gotta work on that one.

I wanna conclude with a brocho, after just having said the Ribono Shel Olam for last time (this year) I was thinking of everyone here when I said it. 'May it be Your will H'shm our G-d, that in the merit of all the counting (that we do on GYE ) may there be corrected what ever blemish I (we) have caused and be purified and sanctified with the holiness of above and through this (GYE) may there be a shefa rav in all the worlds and may it rectify our lives, our spirits and our souls from all ?sig? and blemish and may it purify us and sanctify us with Your Holiness that is exalted OMEIN!-

Does anyone know how I can change the name of my topic?? ???

Thanks sb it means a lot to hear all that coming from a respected veteran like yourself. I only have 1 correction - you're the 1 that rocks! 

i just wanted to stop by and say that you're a huge inspiration. the idea of giving to counteract the feeling of lust is an amazing concept. you're right: lust, when we look at its core, is just selfishness. and the only way to counteract that selfishness is to replace it with selflessness. and the brocha was beautiful.

thanks shlomo thats very sweet of you to say. I've never really thought of myself as inspirational, all i can say i guess is, devorim hayots'im min haleiv nichnosin el haleiv. I can't really take credit for the giving stuff, I picked it up from dov over the emails - thanks dov!! i'm just learning to put it into practice i guess. well - off to sleep, Have a good night!

Apparently, giving is the gift that keeps on giving....I picked that priceless diamond up from my sponsor and two other people in the program, tried it out and found it worked, and have been trying my best to continue giving it away ever since! We are very lucky people. Not perfect, but very, very lucky!!

Happy Shavuous to you, your little lady, and your fetus, mousy!

Respected? I think you've got me confused with someone else!

Have a great shavuos, bro!

Thanks guys, have a great shavuos!!

Your Thread's new name is GREAT!!!

It projects a more upbeat attitude. It is in line with your progressive growth!!!

Keep it Honest!!! Keep it Growing!!!







[.... and take us all along on your journey, please.]

Thanks reb yosef! it's great to get encouragement from a lamden like you!

Hey, Reb honest achbar, how are things going?

woohoo i became a jr memeber! do i get a t-shirt or something... ???

Thanks sb, it's nice to be thought about, I have a lot to post since yom tov but i'm gonna split it up coz it's 3 different inyonim (plus it would just be too long).

1) I was debating whether to put this in the baalei batim section but i thought what i learned applies to everyone. After a couple of months of marriage, the urges started to come back big time and i was a bit horrified, i thought, i cant do this stuff when im supposed to be with my wife, it aint right. Eventually, i allowed myself to act out when she became a niddah (obviously that didnt last forever and i eventually started acting out even when she was tehorah) and for the next few years - i associated her becoming a niddah with my chance to act out.

This is the 1st time she has had a cycle for over a year (due to pregnancy and its aftermath) and i was getting nervous and a bit scared. One of my incentives to get clean was her coming back after so long and with that in the past and her becoming a niddah approaching i was really worried that i would give in to lust again because of the old association.

But then i realised something, instead of looking at it as the end of her being tehorah, why not look at it as the begining of another incentive to stay clean till mikvah night - ie a renewal of the original incentive which comes back every month. How gevaldig!!

Then i realised something in the bigger picture, the lust monster inside us take over, his analysis and responses to situations totally influence how we're gonna react in all spectrums of our life. He sneakily takes over all the decision making and anlaysis of our life! When sobriety starts to kick in, the fog starts to lift and we realise he is such a negative analyst! Why can't i view things positively instead of negatively!! b'H my entire perspective on life's little challenges is starting to become more positive because i'm slowly getting rid of that little menuval!!

(2) Yesterday, I overslept and I went to a later minyan for shacharis and they gave me hagboh (which was very nice of them) and as I was sitting there holding the sefer torah, I was all proud of myself thinking it was a nice siman to get the most choshuv mitsva which is all about 'elevating' for the parsha of 'kol haroeh sota bekilkula yazir atsmo mehayayin'. I thought it was a hint that I'm on the way up and I should 'keep on trucking', a little encouraging hint.

Then, this guy comes over to daven musaf and he is the husband of a neigbour that I would lust after and fantasise about etc... (i dont wanna get to triggery) and it all flopped. I was feeling all small and insignificant and wondering whether he knew and feeling really awkward and then I had to hand him the sefer torah  :-[ I was really embarrassed. I don't know exactly what message there was, perhaps it was to tell me not to get too sure of myself, that there's plenty of road left to travel, to remind me what Im capable of when I let myself go, or it could have just been one of those things. Either way it left me reeling a little after such a strange clash of conflicting emotions and you guys are the only people I can share it with!

your  past two posts are gevaldigggggggg

that hagbah was terrific

now about the fantasy

lets hit the YH between the eyes here

imagine the kohen

that worked in the bais hamikdosh

he was soo holy and pure

imagine the small chance for the kohen to actually see a sotah

how minimal

and it was a mitzvah for him to be the kohen

and it happens to be that he saw the sotah bikilikulah

he saw the ugly raw oputrid end of all hollywood movies (the part they dont show you)

why dont we say hey is there a greater lesson of keeping away from the fobidden woman than this??

ellah mai!! some where he had some kind of shaychus

and he needs a kapparah

so what is his kapparah my dear chaver honest mouse

he takes his kehunah to another level

not that i am looking for nisyonos

if the chazzan would have sent me a shtikkl trigger

i would have in un-imitaatble BARDS style

belted out KESSSSSSER YITNU LECHA HASHEM ELOKAINU MALACHIM HAMOINEY MAAALAH

IM AMCHA YISROEL IVUTZAI MATTAH!!!

that would have sent the yh a message of what i feel bout him


my good chaver as we say in yiddish "keepontruckin!!

bards

thanks bards for your encouraging words!!

3) the weather got really good here the last few days. Hot sunny etc.... It's hard for me for 2 reasons apart from the most obvious one (the pritzus duh!)

1) with the windows flung open and everybody walking around in the street much more, everything psycologically feels much more open and uninihbited. Dangerous territory for an addict. Shabbos, i could hear high heals and womens voices in the street and i was desperate to run and see them in their shabbos finery (does anyone else think women's shabbos clothes seem to be less tzanua than during the week... ????) sometimes i slipped and went to look other times i contorolled myself by taking a deep breath and letting go. There's an air of promiscuity in the air and it's seeping through....

2) its also hard coz it made me wonder, am i ever gonna be able to enjoy the good weather ever again or am i always gonna have to crawl up and hide till its over or fall?? does it ever get any easier??? I wanna think of a way to dissassociate good weather with acting out like i did with niddah by turning it on its head but i haven't come up with one yet.

There ya go sb, thats how im doing! how are you doing? how was your shavuos? (you dont have to answer in as much detail )