Hi all. - thanks for asking, RGI.

After a great weekend - out of nowhere i had a crazy 24 hours or so with some acting out. after that i felt pretty low, the realization that i can be calmly trucking along and get bowled over out of nowhere was very depressing.

But that is a re-enforcement of step 1 powerlessness, im always powerless and i always need to reach out for help, i cant afford to get complacent and comfortable. That realisation forced me to let go and reconnect.

I was able to do a little exercise twice yesterday. I just closed my eyes and imagined myself letting go of all my fears and resentments and worries and frustrations and i imagined myself falling back into Hashem's arms Who was there to catch me. It made me feel very safe and secure and connected to him and I was then able to speak to Hashem in a much more real way.

Im going to try and do that everyday...

Sounds like a good plan for everyone!

Thanks sb! great to see ya (kind of...) how u keeping?

Today im feeling great, like there is a sheild surrounding me - stopping me from getting sucked in to the shmutz way of thinking, looking and living.

But thanks to that hard teacher called experience, i now know that this is totally a matonoh from Hashem, a temporary reprieve, a taste of real life. I do not believe that this is my new reality.

And just as it's all Hashem now, so too it is always - my avoidah now is to prepare myself for when i dont feel His protection - for when im feeling all alone - its totally counterproductive to put my feet up now and get complacent.

sounds like you have a very good attitude
kutgw!

an honest mouse wrote on 23 Feb 2011 13:18:


& if you ever forget, refer back to Reply #559 in this thread. 

Sounds like you're using what hashem has given you. Always a good idea!

thanks guys!
Today, while i was in the post office i absent mindedly started scanning the magazine section and i was triggered and i lingered for a few seconds the urge building, feeling the need to pick one up and start flicking through.

So I called a timeout (even though im english i figure i can still do that) and i let go of all the buildup and i took a deep breath and thought about Hashem and shabbos and then i went back on the court (ie carried on with my life) and the episode passed.

It happened again in the office a little later when my boss kept asking me to make a few more changes to something again  and again and again etc... i started feeling the need to escape and medicate - so i called another timeout, rememebered Hashem is with me so ill be ok and then carried on.

It's a really helpful technique - timeout, let go and get back on the court!

Have a great shabbos everyone!!

For me, closing my eyes for a few seconds helps 'reset' things, too. Thanks for that, mouse!

thanks for that AHM, great stuff you are bringing to the table here!
have a great shabbos

been really busy this week guys, sorry for not posting for ages! 2 quick things.

1) on wed - i had huge temptation 4 times and i fell twice but reached out and moved past it the other 2 times. I believe that is still an achievement because we want progess not perfection - although im not sure if im being too soft with myself but i think i have to be positive otherwise it will just drag me down...

2) if i dont make it to the mikva on a friday i have been feeling vulnerable and open to attack - ive realised that i have been relying on the mikva to 'reset' me every week to go into shabbos nice and holy. It's not the mikva that resets me, its Hashem, so even if i dont make it to the mikva,i still have Hashem coz, like the uncle moishy song (Hashem is trully everywhere....) so i can still ask Hashem to give me the serenity to take the most out of shabbos that i can - even without the mikva.

Have a great shabbos!

i once heard a chasidisher vort: the posuk says 'mikva yisrael hashem'. these three things can be used as a mikva, if you don't have the actual mikva available. a real mikva, yidden, and Hashem Himself.

good to hear from you AHM, have a great Shabbos!

Nice vort vort zs! as always!

I had my 1st clean weekend for over a month bH, i think it was mostly coz Hashem gave me a different schedule, but its easier to go to work on monday morning with a bit of sobriety under one's belt.

I also was able to move past a couple "sorry, not tonight dear"s from my wife after we had planned to. coz s*x is optional - i can survive without it and if Hashem made cirumstances that way, it's obviously the best thing for me.

hey mouse.

keep up the good work!

dov.ii

great to hear, Mighty Mouse!