hi zemmy, thanks for worrying about me - Im doing great bH, enjoed the best quality week of recovery so far! theres just a full week of vacation here in the uk this week, so less time to post (coz dont use internet much at home).

I have had a few waves of rid or lust this past week, which i have actually come through - for the 1st time -  and i did it by calling my partner as i see it going that way, before i let it get there. Why - because i think i have turned a corner where recovery and real life are just too precious to give up...

on an a&w note the very next day after i was told i probably wont be needed in jan at my job, they told me they thought of something i could do! Hashem put that test there as an opportunity to grow and turn this corner, now that I have, there is no need for the nisayon anymore - gevaldig!

wow, really good to hear so much good stuff!

i see that flounder and TBJ cheese is a good formula

thanks for the good news AHM

keep up your great work

an honest mouse wrote on 29 Dec 2010 22:50:

today was a tough day - i was overtired and grumpy in the morning and then anxious and nervous in the evening. both cases of RID which were pushing me towards lust.

so i tried to work out the ego behind them both - because we all know that our ego is what leads to RID.

The morning was because my kids had a bad night but i still got up at 645 while my wife got up at 9 (coz the kids slept in) and i was sulking that she had more sleep than me! - what a baby!! that deflated that RID bH.

The evening, is something i have to do in public and im afraid to mess up so its making me all RIDY - well thats my ego again.

EGO = Edge G-d Out, so both times I brought G-d in and strengthened my connection with Him, which made me feel calmer - coz i realised that the world wont explode if my life isnt perfect.

an honest mouse wrote on 30 Dec 2010 22:26:

& who told you that???  I pray that your life Should be PERFECT!!!!  [PERFECTLY clean, PERFECTLY organized, PERFECTLY serene, etc.]









But for the main reply, I will just quote my chavrusa:an honest mouse wrote on 29 Dec 2010 22:50:

so, the thing i had to do in public came and went and leading up to it - i got stressed, anxious and nervous and the lust was very much on the radar. BH i didnt utilise it but i did notice that it went away after the event was over. The event wasnt perfect but im still alive - amazing.

a major lesson im taking away from this (even though i didnt fall i can still learn!) is that the uncomfortable feelings clearly lead to lust in such an obvious way that i cant believe i didnt notice before. Like rabbeinu sb often says, you need to get some distance between you and the madness to see more clearly.

anyway, i can see that my default position is still to run to lust when the going gets tough although i have been able to find the tools to not run bH - i have a long way to go- odaat

you are doing great!
honest, perfectly imperfect, and growing
good for you

Try to imagine how it would have felt to be that in public knowing that you succumbed to temptation just a short time ago.

Shame?  Guilt?  Now, compare that with your present feelings.... (Even though it wasn't as perfect as YOU would have liked it be )


We are all proud of you! [Especially me!]

Glad to hear it  - and thank you for the title, I've been waiting for a long time for everyone to realize how truly great I am!  : ??? :o :o ;D ;D ;D

I would also add a reminder that we often have an equation in our heads, a script that tells us "when under stress, I act out." And we've followed that script for years, sometimes decades. You've taught yourself that you don't have to follow that script. You can realize that the urges are just that outdated script, and you can follow your own script!

silentbattle wrote on 05 Jan 2011 11:06:

it only took 3175 posts for us to realize  ;D
are we quick on the pickup?

i realised the 1st week i was here...

anyways, im afraid to report that i fell today. resentment and discomfort built up too much for me at work, i reached out in the begining but then i went for it instead but...

whereas the the yetser/addiction will try to convince me that i have to start all over again - i know that to be totally false - the last 2 1/2 weeks were by far my best quality recovery so far and the fall cant take that away from me.

2 people have helped re-enforce this within me. 1stly, my good chaver reb yosef hatzadik who once told over a moshul - if you're building a tower and your blown off, it doesnt mean the tower fell down, its still there and u just have to get back to the place which already exists. In other words, i dont have to blaze a new path in my brain, because, its there already, i just have to start using it again (which i have bH).

secondly - as quoted from 'shnook' on the email a few days ago - its the general upward climb that's the main thing - not just the sobreity. I could relate to that very much coz i have also bouned up and down the 90 day chart like a yo-yo and honestly, ive never made it past 25 days but my partner will tell you, im a very different mouse than i was even a month ago, let alone a year ago. so yetser, you cant fool me - im still very much growing and in recovery! - 

perhaps Hashem piled up more than im capable of at this point to see how i will react, i dont know but if so, well i believe i have reacted like a mouse in recovery...

an honest mouse wrote on 06 Jan 2011 23:04:
If you would hear the comments your partners tells me about you you would have a nisayon of gaava. You would be the haughtiest mouse on the planet!


an honest mouse wrote on 06 Jan 2011 23:04:

I am proud to be associated with you!

shtarkeh trucking!!

Sorry to hear about the fall, but fell, shmell.

More importantly, what did you learn? About yourself, about how your addiction works, what you can do differently?

Every test, whether we succeed or fail, gives us an opportunity to learn more, so that we can be better prepared in the future.