an honest mouse wrote on 04 Nov 2010 23:47:


Cute - level 9 is as high as it goes!

As far as i know midas hakedusha is always leala uleala. So naturaly you are above ordinary human levels.

Tonight, exactly as i left my house, my neighbour drove by on the way home (haven't seen her for a couple of weeks). Our disease wanted me to drive to shul past her house (that is the quickest way) to get a good look at her....

I went the other slightly longer way and didnt see her at all bH. It was very hard and it hurt a little bit but nu nu, no pain no gain. Plus, my mariv was pretty electric afterwards...

  :D  ;D  :o  8)

Thank you HM for sharing that.

Be careful washing hands in water before such a ma'ariv.... ;D

I acted out today after 12 clean days. It's not a restart, I am going to continue on the same beautiful growth I had for 12 days, using the taphsic method and admitting my powerlessness.

The thing to dwell on, is why was today harder and what should I have done to prevent it. I'm going to give ?50 to tzedoko (some of it will go to GYE of course) as promised and I'm going to do the last 3 things on my list which i didnt do before giving up. Say the tehilim's for today, txt my wife and speak with my partner.

I'm also going to be remekabel to do the 4 things (ayin l'ail) before I act out and if not, give an increased ?100 to tzedoko.

Thanks everyone for being here with me...

yup, we are.

Having someone you can call is essential - for right when an issue comes up, but even, sometimes, just to conect and talk things over when things aren't in crisis mode. At least, that helped for me.

I was thinking over yesterdays fall, I was relying too much on taphsic and not enough on powerlessness, I started to lust like a gentleman again, thinking that the taphsic method will stop me before its too late and slowly but surely i lead myself back down that path until i passed the point of no return.

A quote from my earlybird call rebbe reb steve comes to mind. 'My disease is out to kill me and make it look like it was an accident'. It leads me slowly slowly back down that road, thinking the little things im doing are insignificant until its too late and i lose control.

One thing which this has reaffirmed is that im TOTALLY powerless over lust, TOTALLY allergic to it. I cant go down that route because i WILL lose control and it WILL make my life unmanagable, not my whole life, but major parts of it and thats bad enough.

Too quote the pringles slogan 'once you pop-you cant stop!' the lesson being - dont pop!

I was getting way too lax in working the steps, so, back to work!

thanks for listening (or reading i 'spose)

Very good point Mouse.

thanks.

an honest mouse wrote on 04 Nov 2010 23:47:


did anyone notice that they've changed the chart so that level 1 is 3 not 4 days, level 2 is 7 not 8 days etc... is that because of my post last week?? :-[ ???

an honest mouse wrote on 09 Nov 2010 14:27:


And I'd like to add that if you recognize that you are indeed without any power to use and control this - that you lost and cannot beat this enemy - then I hope you also consider the possibility that Taphsic, or not; level 5, 10, or whatever; 90 days or ten years - whatever it is - it will not give you that power back. I cannot even count how many people I have met who get better because of recovery and Chazal concepts, only to come to the stupid conclusion that they are somehow better now that they have had 90 days, for example. I do not get stronger. Ever. The entire 'milestone' thing makes me ill. What milestone? OK, we need a pat on the back....mazel tov, but if that 'chizzuk' is the 'finger in the dam', then I am moving to higher ground!

As far as I am concerned, once the fight is over, it's over. We never come to the level that we can pick up those gloves again. Therefore I see no value whatever in any levels, counting, or whatever. Period. Just in today's sobriety by Hashem's shocking Chessed (Grace), that is allowed into my life by my surrender.

Hatzlocha.

:-*

an honest mouse wrote on 09 Nov 2010 14:27:


Everything else you said was SO true - but I have to disagree with this point. Given free reign, and over time, this disease will make our entire lives unmanageable. It's not that difficult to imagine how it could happen, effecting our job, our marriage, our relationships with our kids, our neighbors, etc...

If i can have the zechus to say what dov is saying in different words. If i am keeping myself clean than i can have milestones. If i am keeping myself clean than i can motivate myself with tapsich method. If i am powerless no tapsich will help. We have all spent much more on our lust. For the object of my lust i would spend anything to get it. If i am powerless than when i am clean its either just a random occurrence or the grace of gd. It is definitly not a milestone for him.

silentbattle wrote on 09 Nov 2010 19:56:
thanks sb, you're 100% right. Thats where it will lead

dov and ff - are u saying that i should forget about the 90 day chart and not use it?? or that my focus should be totally away from the milestones. Why do they keep sobriety dates in SA, whats the point if the milestone can backfire and pull us off course?