Yosef Hatzadik wrote on 03 Sep 2010 18:21:
Yeah, that's what i meant. Spending a second to figure out where I am holding is poison to me. It's the same curiosity that I feel when I wonder "how that girl who walked by actually looks up close...hmmmm"...just obsessions of the mind, and I can't afford them. Besides, I have discovered that I'd rather be a dolt and die never having ever known exactly what my madreiga is or where the process is up to...as long as I am staying sober and honest with myself, my G-d, and with the people in my life. Besides, it's nice to have a surprise when we get 'up there', no? (OK, maybe not! :o) I admit, my approach does not work (or is unacceptable) for some folks.

an honest mouse wrote on 06 Sep 2010 22:10:

Well, the "every fiber of my being" idea is a nice idea, and fits well with the direction of all the mussar we learn, but practically speaking, it sounds like unmitigated, unbridled perfectionism, to me.

Sorry.

What gives us the right to describe to Hashem exactly in what manner and at what rate He should make us better? Hey, you wrote that this is the first time for you wading the waters of surrender - of giving up the lust rather than 'fighting' it....it's surely a process, and I think that the images and temptation should return! The thing I need to do then is get verbal, and express to Him exactly what I want now "I got that image back, the fantasy back, and I ask You to help take it away again. Please free me from it now, just for today. Thanks so much." Keep going at it, over and over.

Anyway, if all our temptations were reduced to rubble with one day of powerful teshuvah, I believe most of us would be elated for a day - and then go absolutely nuts with resentment and unprotected pain. There are reasons behind our stupid lusting and acting out that are way, way beyond us. It served a purpose for us because of various ways that we are twisted in our relationships with other people, inside ourselves, and with our entire concept and relationship with G-d as our Loving Master and Father.

This may not be apparent at the beginning, but trust me, after a few months (and then years) of your ridiculous lust mishega'as not being an option for a coping mechanism to cover your garbage, all kinds of amazing discoveries will be made by you, like it or not. Every aspect of your life will get easier and less complicated. Now, change of personality and natural tendencies must take time if it is to last inside us at all!

We have all changed the fake way, before...it lasts a while and then we are left with guilt and more lust to pacify our wounds....want more of that? Nah! right?

Ask Him for patience, even if you fail at your goal. Ask for wisdom and patience, to be useful to Him and to other people.




Yeah. He is not nearly done with you yet.

Join the club. But take a number. The wait is the same, but it feels as though it's going faster when you know you really have a number.... 8)

thanks kutan, welcome! ironically its humbling to know that im inspiring someone.
dov - thanks so much i really appreciate it! im gonna need to re-read that again, i can see you've picked out perfectionsim in me, that i want to be better now - i guess i have to stop doing that, im seeing its a fine line between making excuses and being realistic and im not quite sure where to draw it...

have a kesiva vechasima tova everybody! thanks for being there!

kutan - ive been thinking about what you wrote, that lust is hanging on by its fingernails to me and i dont think i would be living up to my name if i let that slide. lust is very much still in control of me, i feel like since i launched into the call im getting worse, perhaps this is what it will take for me to trully let go and let G-d...

Honest Mouse,
the lust is not in our control.  The ability to work on self improvement is.
It is very common that the lust gets worse as one starts to work on oneself. It makes a lot of sense, if you think about it.
Anyway, change by definition CANNOT come overnight. The only such change is birth or death. Other than those options, it is a process.
I just hope you are taking pride in the work you have done. I certainly do... it is an inspiration for me, and helps me through the day! Be'emes.
Perhaps we may be a little different (your in the Order of Rodentia, me: Artiodactyla) but our work is the same!
kutan

thanks kutan - that is very comforting. I had a bad 2 weeks, for some reason today i was relieved from it all, im pretty sure it was a matnas chinam. Hashem gave me the opportunity to see how it feels to have some freedom, now i have to go out and do the work!

I saw 2 women today that i have lusted with and obsessed about, i looked away, relaxed and thought about the gifts that Hashem has bestowed upon me. Small victories, but they add up.

I just got turned down for a job, my initial reaction was that Hashem knows whats best for me, its obviously not the right job for me. But ego/rid is telling me - act out now, you have a great excuse, everyone will understand! no way hosay!! im not gonna stay by the computer much longer, im gonna go to sleep and i will call my partner as soon as i can in the morning - im powerless on my own, i know what will happen if i let my stinkin thinkin continue!

BIG victory... not small at all.
And the rest of what you wrote is going to carry me through till tomorrow morning...  I'm sure of that!

Thank you, tiny friend!

Reb Kutan! Mazel Tov on 777 posts!

Maybe Reb b can suggest a way to celebrate?

Fantastic, Reb Emes Achbar!

I think you hit on another very important point, too. So often, we can hear that voice inside us say things like that - as if in certain situations, it's justifiable to act out. Expected, almost.

But the simple fact is that it isn't true, and we know that. It's just the yetzer hora, our addiction, coming up with another excuse to kill us, just like any other day.

Choose life, instead.

thanks guys. sb -  welcome back, ive missed you!! thanks for spelling it out as well, it often sounds better hearing it with someone elses words

something amazing happened after i turned off the computer, i confronted my feelings, why do i have a sinking feeling in my stomach? whats causing it?
so i discovered that there was resentment at being rejected, fear and anxiety of when and where i will get a job and stress at having to go back to the application process.

so i dealt with each one individually, i didnt have to get that job, i wasnt rejected coz i messed up, im actually very pleased with how it went. forget the fear and anxiety and stress, for now ill enjoy succos and ill get back to it then, i dont have to worry about it now. bottom line, i trully believe Hashem will sort me out at the appropriate time. In other words i split up the big bad feeling into smaller chunks which would individually be easier to deal with. Then, a wonderful thing happened.

I felt trully, completely serene, I felt totally at ease, Hashem was clearly in the room with me, i couldnt stop smiling. the void i have always felt in my life was filled, there was no void, i could feel Hashem close so i started davening for those close to me that need yeshuos, i was whole. It was a beautiful feeling. I cant say i have had it all the time since then, it comes and goes but i have had a taste of blissful freedom and i want more.

then - the ultimate a&w, today on the call we read the following excerpt from the big book, "As we felt new power flow in, as we enjoyed peace of mind,
as we discovered we could face life successfully, as we became conscious of
His presence, we began to lose our fear of today, tomorrow, or the hereafter.
We were reborn."

That happened to me last night, dafka before we read it and dafka before yom kippur!!!

well i am certainly going into yom kippur a different mouse than rosh hashono and i have all of you guys to thank! i love u 'gyes'! 

a little tefilloh for yom kippur:

'Onoh bekoach gedulas yemincho, tatir tseruroh kabel rinas amcho, sagveinu, tahareinu Noroh' 'we beg You, with the strength of the greatness of Your right hand untie the bundled (sins) accept the prayer of Your people strengthen us, purify us o Awesome One'.

i find this tefilloh very moving (perhaps its the famous miami boys choir tune...) , very apporpriate for us with bundles of sin and very appropriate to this time of year, accept our prayers...

wishing everyone a gmar chasima tova!

Thanks, Mousy dude! That was great!

WOW. that was one amazing post (#219).

I'm in touch we my feelings too!......



....I'm feeling jealousy.


;D

joking.

I think.

Anyway, KUTGW!

good stuff .I would just like to second someones suggestion of reading Rabbi Arush  on Garden of Peace it puts a new spin on understanding a woman.thx

My wife teaches, so if one of the kids is sick she cant take off, whereas my schedule is more flexible so i always suddenly get lumbered with them if theyre sick. Its happened many times in the last few years and i would always sulk. 'what about my plans i had stuff to do today, its so unfair! we decided today that the baby shouldn't go to school tomorrow and it was my 1st day off, my only whole day at home without my wife and kids around so that i can catch stuff up before succos. I started to go down that route & get sulky... then i remembered my newfound serenity which i am able to recapture from time to time, it was Hashem's plan that it should be this way, its not my wife or the baby's fault that the baby is sick, its clearly from Hashem so stop sulking. Then i realised...

my thinking until now when this happens, is that im all on my own, circumstances or the world have conspired against me, i made plans, my plans have been messed up, im a victim!! but today i realised thats complete rubbish! (read garbage if you live in the west...)  Hashem is running my life, every last detail, including my messed up plans and His plan has got to be better than mine coz He runs the world right? so just sit back and trust Him.

bottom line, it makes for a much more safe and secure life (inside) if I trully feel that Hashem is behind everything rather than im on my own and the victim. I feel much more reassured when I live in His plan rather than thinking its mine...

(i hope that made sense...it does in my head at least...)

I think i can honestly say for the 1st time that i am actually working on a step - im working on the 3rd step and its great! (dov i think i finally know what u mean...)

Mouse, I don't know if you will believe me (no one called me honest sheep yet), but I've also been down the sulking mode, for the very same reason.
... and currently am in that mode...
... for reasons a bit more complicated...
... and inspired by your post, I will bl'n make a strong effort to get out of it...
kutan