a lot to report.
i fell twice yesterday, almost allowed myself to get sucked in to the yh/addiction saying i obviously have no hope if i cant stay clean now that im part of the phonecall group. then i remembered what we said on the call, that the quality of the recovery before the fall is the most important thing and bH it was very good quality before the fall - also it takes time, im not gonna be magically sober for the rest of my life just because i joined the call, i have to work the program and its still early days.
I also know what triggered the rid that led to the fall, i get stressed out and anxious when i have a lot to do and limited time and when the kids are around me and misbehaving at that time, i feel the need to escape, to run away and to medicate, so i have to learn how to react in a healthy way to the stress, anxiety and misbehaving kids...
Today as i was walking with my wife and kids, on the other side of the road, i noticed my neighbour that is always a big trigger for me, i remembered what steve said about the 1st look being on G-d and now its my choice and i looked down ahead of me and thought calmly, i dont need this, i have Hashem and the group with me - i just dont need it.
Laslty, my parents went away for a week again, those of you who are regulars will remember that i always fall and go use the internet there, i gave my wife the key to the alarm, to hold whilst they're away, i always was scared to do that coz she might challenge me why, what have i done in the past, but i thought stop being ridiculous, its more important to have that fence up to block me, than to avoid the discomfort of the possible question.
onwards and upwards!
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