Reb An Honest Mouse, that is terrific to see you applying that insight. Really, really great. I often do the same thing. I think, Yes, I could... but I won't. It's a great way to get a hold of oneself. Hatzlocha rabbah.

And let us know how goes Orchot Tzaddikim. I am hoping to get a copy by the end of the month, be'ezras Hashem.

Again, much success. Keep your head up. You're worth it.

Day 4....

Thanks t'va for your encouragement (i need lots of it)! I wish you much success on your journey!

So, I have realised that I am an escapist, I mean I've known it for a while really, I prefer being entertained to living real life. When I was a teenager, I was addicted to watching tv, when I got married and didn't have a tv, i got addicted to the internet - both of them were addicitons to the bad and the neutral (ie stam time wasting). It was always worse during exam period, anything is better than revsion, right?

But - this time it has been different (the last 2 weeks I have been revising) instead of escaping the revision and throwing myself into lust, i through myself into jewish music. Now I accept this might not work for everyone, but from my own personal perspective, I love Jewish music, it inspires me and elevates me and there's so much to analyse. My point is, instead of escaping into lust (i accept that i still feel the need to escape and its not a long-term solution) I found something pure and enjoyable that I can obsess about. It's not gonna work all the time I accept that, but finding something you can be really into to fill the void with is a great idea.

Reb An Honest Mouse, you encourage me, as well. In this wonderful place, we all encourage each other. That is the beauty of it all.

Music is great. It is great to keep busy. Whatever works for you, apply it. I have read that it is good to take some time in the evening for introspection. This can help you grow and mature as a person. If you have had inclinations for escapism, these nightly introspection sessions can help you leave those character traits behind. As you continually learn more about yourself, applying better coping skills and tweaking your middos, the old difficulties will be left in the dust behind you.

Breslov chassidim couple this introspective session with informal conversations w/ G-d. This is even better. It's very important to be centered in G-d as we grow, lest we grow haughty and trample our fences.

Again, I am very happy for you. Hatzlocha rabba. 

5 days...

I slipped a little today. But steve's amazing post in the email a couple of days ago saved me. I noticed a woman out of the window (the same one who's husband I gave the sefer Torah about a month ago, see post 73) who has been a big source of lust for me and I haven't had the opportunity to lust using her for ages,  I was saying to myself, do it now you have the opportunity, who knows when you'll next get the chance, I started to descend for about 10 seconds then I pulled myself back.

But then the urge to lust started building up and I started thinking, she just had a baby 2 weeks ago and she's already out walking looking great and dressing great, my wife takes ages to recover and 4 months later is still reluctant to try and lose the weight... Then I remembered steve - I started to pace back and forth and fought back for my wife, who knows how much help this woman has, how easy her labour was, her other kids are in school - my wife doesn't have that luxury plus, one of the things i love most about my wife is that shes not all about fashion and looking great, theres so much more to her, she has great depth and besides - who says its healthy to go out for long walks 2 weeks after giving birth!

Apart from the obvious result of loving and appreciating my wife more - there was something else. When I was lusting, my soul felt empty, i wanted to fill it - after I had finished my 'comeback'it felt all full of goodness - there was no void! How amazing - fill the void with good so you don't need to fill it with bad! Then, I belted out my favourite eshes chayil song and got back to my revising!

Thanks Steve - you saved me today!

Wow. I am humbled like beyond belief. Thank you for growing and sharing, my friend.

May we all be zoche to concentrate on the GOOD that HKB"H has ALREADY given us, and learn to appreciate them more and more.

I love Mieces to pieces!!

Reb, An Honest Mouse, you did good. Thanks for the post. But, I must say, you have also provided me with the funniest and most powerful preventatives to lust. What is it? I qoute, "and besides - who says its healthy to go out for long walks 2 weeks after giving birth!".

If we would simply meditate on these words everytime we are assailed with lust, we just might never, ever fall. Comrade, my gratefulness thou hast earned.

lol!

7 days...

I finished what most probably was my last exam yesterday, which means ive finished studying woohooo! anyways, yesterday, the feeling of freedom was filtering into every aspect of my psyche, i felt like my boundries were lifted, which of course included lust. Not good. I was gonna be with my wife last night which held me back thank G-d. Anyways, for some reason, this morning the lust was gone, maybe coz I have a clean week or coz I had a great conversation with a prospective employer, I dont really care why to be honest though.

I have still been doing 'bekiyus' today even though no lust, so now is the time to work on basic shemiras einayim, however, there is something in between lust and stam shemiras einayim for me. That is - I really want to look at all the frum married women around and see what they're wearing  :-[ even if i dont feel lust urges, out of pure curiosity. I think I need to find out the underlying cause of that to help me move on. Is it coz my wife isn't into fashion and dressing herself up to look great? Is it now out of habit? Is there something I feel im lacking with my wife that Im looking for in them? Of course i know that the fault is within me and that I have to work on it, but i wanna know what exactly to focus on... :-\ ???

I have a success story from today though bH. I took my kids to the park so my wife could cook for shabbos and i thought i timed it so that all the mothers would be at home to receive or get their kids from school, but i went too early. I was very good though, I faced the other way and concentrated on my kids. I called my wife as well. Then loads of 'yummy mumies' came (english expression for bais yaakovish wyoung mothers who are totally into fashion and dont dress like they grew up in bais yaakov who meet eachother in the parkand sip iced coffee and ignore their kids - how do you call them in the us?) 2 of whom were treally triggery whom i have used for lust many times in the past, so i just left and didnt have any lustyness thank G-d!

proud of you for your strength and determination not to become 'mummiefied".

Wowie.

KUTHGW, and HAve a GREAT SHABBOS!!

an honest mouse wrote on 17 Jun 2010 20:01:


Our quaint, uncouth term here across the pond is: "hotsy totsies who have little better to do that heat the place up with hot air."

Ok...maybe I made it up....

But I am so glad that my wife is not one of them and hope for the best for each of those moms.

dov wrote on 18 Jun 2010 03:56:

lol! me too! 

8 days...

Today I woke up really lusty, i had a major urge to drive around lusting instead of going to the mikva. I acknowledged that I was totally powerless and I thought to myself if i see a trigger i dont know what will happen, but im not gonna go looking for it and I drove straight to the mikva and I thank Hashem for not showing me any triggers.

As i went into the mikva i suddenly realised that it was my first clean week for a while and i felt really good about it. I almost missed it! Then I realised that the urge had gone, it was like Hashem gave me the urge for for my nisayon and as soon as i passed it, it was taken away. It was the 1st time I really felt what they say that it comes in waves and then goes away. My thinking was always that the lust will just build up till i have to act out coz i cant manage anymore but now i realise its not true, if i can keep sane during the difficult times, they will pass and Ill come out better off at the end - Im now ready for a gevalgider shabbos!

Have a great shabbos everyone!  :D

Exactly! We can let go of the lust, it's a weight we don't have to carry around. The more we realize that, the easier life becomes!

Fantastic!

Hey AHM,



Happy to hear that. Can't wait to feel like that as well. Right now I feel the buildup...

Good shabbos.

was 10 days - now sadly o....

I was gonna come on and post about 2 tests im gonna have this week but i already fell with one...

I cant view bad internet stuff in my house - my wife caught me nearly 2 years ago and we went straight to our rov. He said she should have the password to turn on the comp and i only use it when shes around. My parents have unrestricted internet though, and when they go away, in the past ive gone there to watch p***, coz its difficult to pass up the opportunity. They went away for the week and i already went there. The images of the last videos i saw kept coming at me on and off for the last 48 hours, i dealt with it very well pushing off the thoughts coz they werent applicable yet, but as soon as the opportunity arose tonight, it ran me over like an 18 wheeler lorry (doesnt have the same ring to it huh..) and i zoomed over there... i didnt daven mincha as a result. not so proud of myself...

where do i go from here, well my head is telling me fell shmell, look at the big picture, ive become a different person and im growing and mvoing in the right direction - that didnt change. but my heart (the addiction) is telling me of course its changed youve fallen they're away all week, take the opportunity. How do i make sure my head wins??


The second test is not as big -  we have a babysitter coming tomorrow night who i find triggery - she's from a nice family but is a little rebelious and that adds to the triggeryness - it kicks off fantasies (shes not our 1st choice but all the others couldnt do it). I wannaavoid the chnace to get a good look at her but i dont wanna be rude about it coz shes in a delicate religious situation and i dont wanna push her further away - id love for eitsas but i wont get a chnace to check back till after the event, i think ill tell me wife - she should understand the situation - daven for me!

sb - still fluctuating between 'dont need it' and 'need it'

installed - i only had it for 48 hours and tehn it built and exploded but the message is that we can get it and it wil come long term for both of us - we just gotta keep on lorrying/trucking!

You asked for advice, so here goes:

First off, you are right! You are a changed person and you are growing. Did you really expect to stay clean without bumps in the road? Especially in the first few months? You've been abusing your sexuality for how many years? 2, 3, 10? And in 6 months you expect that all that training will change?

Second thing: We'll daven for you, and before the babysitter comes over (or the first time you find yourself anticipating her arrival and struggling with the 'do-I/don't-I look' business) start asking Hashem to help her do a good job watching your kids, to give her good health and protection from the many common pains of life, to find a good shidduch and to succeed in being happy with her life and to recognize Hashem as her very best friend in this life. Stuff like that. Be there for her for a change, instead of using her. You are already paying her, so you are helping her out already! Ask Hashem to help her use the money well, while you are at it.

Just an idea.

1 day...

Thanks dov - its been around 13/14 years, just about the time you've been sober I believe.. that was a great tip, I wish i would've been able to see it before the event but its really helpful for next time. What actually happened was that i slipped before she came, i looked out the window to see if she was coming and she happened to come just then, so i had a good look for a few seconds and then i pulled myself out of it. My wife was still getting ready so i let her in, but i didnt trust myself to be in the same room and not look lustfully so i waited in another room and thought things through to the end result, like you've said before.

I dont wanna spend the rest of my life with this girl, i dont actually want to do anything with this girl ( i havent done anything real till now and i dont intend to start now!) so all im interested in is using her image for fantasy the enjoyment of which will last for 5 mins tops - then ill be empty so what the point? but what do i do with my desire for her, then i remembered, i dont have a clue why G-d gave me a desire for her and thats just the point, soI acknowledged that i dont know what my desire for her is really supposed to be and i asked Hashem to redirect it for the good.

MY daughter was sick and the babysitter spent time dealing with her and i actually felt hakoras hatov to her as a person, that helped a lot. WE went to a wedding i thought it wouldn't be a problem coz it was separate but i still managed to see someone i found triggery and lusted with her briefly, the image remained for the rest of the night. Need to work on turing away and not taking the second look coz it almost always leads further.

I have more to say but no time, ill be back thursday night - keep on lorrying till then!