I think in this avoda there are three parts . Physical changes ,emotional/hashkafa changes to cause the above changes and changes to fix all the deep rottenness inside that cause the need for and or attachment to lust .

In the area of physical changes I am so far clean. The clean besides the big two includes shmiras haanayim.

This has been accomplished by learning/trying to learn how to let go of lust. This is something so amazing  and powerful.

The second reason is the power of the knowledge that other people have been in the same matzav and beat it

The third is the feeling of accountability and achrayos that my friends on the group are causing.

All the aforementioned are definitely half measures and will not last. One cannot undo years of  bad programming and the rottenness inside of me so easily . I understand that for this reason many have openly told me that I must go to groups.
However others that have not mentioned groups or twelve step programs I am not sure what I should be doing now. I have searched through many pages of threads to understand certain things but what else should I be doing now?

Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to post/Pm

Have you checked out the handbooks yet?

Please keep in mind that what you've mentioned are not half-measures, at all! Each day that you stay clean distances you a bit more, and can give you a fresh perspective. After I'd been clean for a month or so, I was able to look back with a fresh clarity, and truly begin to consider how ridiculous my actions had been!

So, getting some distance is in itself a very good thing. Learning to let go of lust is ultimately a tremendous key. Very far from a half-measure! And the strength of being part of a group that wants to grow, well, you've felt it here, and as a magid shiur, I'm sure you've seen the power of that in many areas! Keep in mind R' Dessler's piece on the impact of a svivah, where he explains that just by "signing up" to be in a certain situation which will provide us with greater opportunities for growth, we're giving ourselves a huge boost in spirituality (to get an idea of just how big a boost, remember that just by touching the tiniest thing that belonged to korach, a jew that had been fine until then would have been effected strongly enough to be swallowed by the earth, and as always, midah tovah merubah).

So it sounds like you've take some extremely powerful steps forward, and you're seeing beautiful fruits! Certainly, seeking more ways to ensure your growth is good, but tell me - how does it feel so far?

My problem is that the longer I will be clean I will be more complacent. Right now while I feel motivated I think I should try to do concrete actions.

please advice

Yes, this is what Rav Dessler says, when you are feeling inspired some how, do not lose the opportunity, but immediately do something concrete with this new awareness, aliyah, and do something..take action with it, and ground it into something.

Have you thought about finally removing open internet from your computer? Is this the time-opportunity to consider this, and to do it before you cool off?

You are really the one, (the one sitting in the drivers seat) who really knows better than all of us which, "great steps", you need to take, and that NOW is the time. Now,and NOT later. Hashem is here with you, and it is he who is giving you this opportunity, this new strength. Don't lose it.

frumfiend wrote on 08 Apr 2010 20:31:

Complacency broke my 5 month streak, it is a problem in all addictions. There is an eitza to write down all the reasons you hate this addiction and all the ways you know you are powerless over it. Write and write and then review it once a week. Being in touch with real people helps also it forces you to confront yourself.

As was mentioned committing to action, like putting on a filter and giving the password to the filter gabai, getting webchaver, committing to always reading and thinking about the chizuk email, is very important. 

frumfiend wrote on 08 Apr 2010 20:31:


Motivation is good.

Concrete actions are good.

Finding something big enough to help but SMALL ENOUGH TO BE SUSTAINABLE is always a big challenge for me, though.

So from that perspective, I share "one person's view" that it's best to take on a goal that guarantees success, before biting off the next goal. Mi'chayil al chayul. (Which I think is yeshivisch for the 12-steppers' "one day at a time" . )

That's this reporter's perspective, at least.

I also always believed that "big challenges" required big efforts to solve. Did you ever consider......asking Hashem to help you find just the right thing?  He's waiting for you to ask him, and he has the answer for you......in the forest of course.

Beautiful to hear your progress!

For concrete actions you can - and should - take, I suggest reading the GYE handbook now, while you're motivated, and implement the ideas there.

G-d luck!

on third time reading handbook
up to 4th step in white book
havnt gotten to second gye book yet
thanks for all the chizuk

would love to hear from people in generally the same matzav in terms of background addicction etc what they used  to be mischazek
did you use therapy groups or other please pm me
thanks for tircha

frumfiend wrote on 09 Apr 2010 16:15:


Which handbook are you on the third time? The Attitude handbook, or the GYE handbook of tools?

I would add that even joining GYE is a major concrete step, your inspiration made real in the physical world.

I would recommend in general make an effort to notice how good being clean makes you feel.

For me, therapy was helpful, as well as having a rebbe who knew about my issues. You can read my thread if you want my back-story.

I used a neder for four years, and when I came out the other side I was re-programmed enough to give my wife what she really wants, which is my whole heart.

a neder of what?

I think the person asking for concrete action is just looking for a instant shortcut because he just doesn't want to accept that this is a lifelong struggle  with no instant results. Also he doesn't want to accept that this struggle is about attitudes and motivation and that is internal not external.