5770 wrote on 22 Apr 2010 23:42:


In general, I guess that comes with Torah learning. If you want detailed instructions you can read the Mesillas Yesharim, I guess, and then have a time of introspection every day.

Regarding the addiction, you do not fear Him when you are aroused because you are an addict. I used the nazir method.

5770, have you read the Garden of Peace from Rav Arush? He writes there that a wife's spiritual level is dependant on the way her husband treats her. If her husband is loving and caring - and wants to be frummer, she will want to too. And if not, she will come to despise anything to do with Judaism...

Oy... not saying this is easy. But just an angle to consider.

Read the book! 

I read his other book, but there is something that really concerns me it says with regards to masturbation that “even though today’s courts no longer excommunicate people, when a person commits a transgression that is subject to excommunication, Hashem turns a deaf ear to that persons prayers.” (THE GARDEN OF EMUNA page 224)
Does this mean that when someone who masturbates pours his heart out to Hashem Hashem says “I am not at all interested in you until you completely stop masturbating”?

It also says “a person can’t have lustful desires and cling to Hashem simultaneously. Stop and think-is a lustful thought or desire worth being separated from Hashem? (page 226)
Does this mean that we are wasting our time with the number 1 of the 12 steps, it takes a long to overcome addiction, the point is to give ourselves over to Hashem inspite of our addiction.  Surely Hashem doesn’t say” sorry you masturbate stop clinging to me”!?
Guard, please explain!

guardureyes wrote on 23 Apr 2010 09:24:


dear Guard!  

I have a good friend who's wife walks over him 24x7, insults to him in public, complains that he doesn't earn enough money, complains in public that he's not a good father, everything! ... yet he takes it, is very calm with her and good to her..  He actually was the guy who got me a copy of the Garden of Peace (and yeah I did actually read it!)


Is there really anyone out there who manages to ignore every stupid, irresponsible, backward thing their wife does with their child.?  ... AND by (somehow) ignoring stupidity ... have they ever been rewarded with Shalom bayis?   

Is that how it's supposed to work?

they get even more - they get rewarded with a good place in olam haba.

ha yes i've no doubt.... but i need results kinda today, tomorrow next week  ;D

hey 5770 i seem to sense a lot of skeptism towards ur wife and the general relationship. do u seriously think she doesnt feel this on a constant basis?? well for her to stop "griping" she needs to trust you,meaning that she truly beleives you care about her and back her and to be constantly supportive of her. trust is something that needs to be built over a long period of time...this is the matter at hand, the other things need to be worked on separately.
  sorry to hear about the issues but if you persist at building trust youll see steady results...good luck!

5770,

I was reading this thread and while I may be completely off the mark I will give it a shot.

I assume your problems in your marriage are recent and after you became religious.

Perhaps what is happening is that your wife sees religion as a threat to her marriage and family.  Her gripes about your daughter seem to indicate that the religious stuff is drawing them apart.  Her daughter criticizes her dress and if she wants to do what is normal for her on Shabbos.  You yourself are annoyed at her not being religious it sounds like.  Instead of thinking her actions are stupid, perhaps they are an instinctive response to a threat on her family.  Have you tried to develop a relationship where she can feel secure and able to act the way she is accustomed to without feeling threatened or criticized?  Do you set boundaries with your daughter when your daughter criticizes your wife?
I would imagine when one spouse becomes religious there is a lot of leeway as to how we allow the nonreligious spouse to behave.  Obviously kosher in the house must be kept, but outside don't ask.  Regarding Shabbos if it affects the religious members of the family there has to be a rule otherwise it may not be your place to demand.  A Rav familiar with these issues could probably explain the appropriate guidelines.
I think only through love and acceptance of each other can things improve.  I would imagine if this could be affected that over time she will want to see what religion is about and be open to it.  But if you think she is stupid, well just wait till she figures out you are masturbating and how two-timing that really is.  I mean it is ok to be Oiver a Chiyev Kares but a pair of pants on a woman is your problem?!

Best wishes in your endeavor  to work things out.

Hey regardless of whether your marriage issues work out you still got to work on your masturbating problem.  Improving yourself can only help you in your challenges in life.

strugglingyid wrote on 28 Apr 2010 07:54:


just fell i'm afraid, and logged in to GYE (guilt)

and dear Struggling Yid, owch... your comment above sums me up just perfectly, a big stupid hypocrite  

willandway wrote on 28 Apr 2010 05:58:


and...they keep coming!  yes i've been less than supportive of her for several years now...it's another nasty little habit I got in

baalteshuva wrote on 24 Apr 2010 20:25:




-From
תשובה בזמנינו
ד"ר בן-ציון סורוצקין

5770 wrote on 28 Apr 2010 22:04:


Ok, this is going totally wrong!  You are not a big stupid hypocrite, you have an addiction to lust that you are trying to overcome.  You are a superstar in that you are willing to face yourself and live up to this challenge.  My intent was not to knock you but to point out how things can seem from the other side and why you should not think yourself better than your wife.  Who is better is best left to Hashem to decide just worry about trying to do what is right.  Do you want to be knocked down because you have this addiction?  Or would you rather have the chizuk to break free?  If you are here then the answer must be the latter, if not it is time for some serious attitude readjustment.  So do the same for your wife.  Give her the chizuk she needs to be secure in your relationship so that she will want to see what this religious stuff is (hopefully).

strugglingyid wrote on 28 Apr 2010 07:54:


You mentioned earlier that you did read The Garden of Peace (R. Arush). I had to read it 2-3 times before the messages really sunk in -- you might find similar benefit in trying it again. 

For example, Chapter Seven (The House of Prayer) starts with the young man concerned that his wife was not joining him in Torah observance. He asked the Rav if he had to divorce her. The answer was that he must show her love even more, shower her even more, let her feel even more secure and more loved. Certainly not to distance; certainly not to divorce.

So he prayed on this every day and tried to follow through. The result of his efforts was that she came to love herself, love him, and ultimately love the lifestyle he had found. She would never have joined a lifestyle being promoted by someone she didn't love or see as safe.

And as to the hypocracy of being frum while having addictions to m** etc, well I think everybody here is on that same boat. No one can throw the first stone. I'm just curious how we will influence others to follow the Torah when our hearts hold a love of aveira just like theirs might. Boy, am I in trouble....

It sounds from this thread like you're figuring all this out very well. I only mention the Garden of Peace because it certainly turbocharged my efforts in these areas. Just a thought....

בי חיים זייצ'יק (הובא בגליון "לקח טוב", מס' 734 אחמ"ק תשס"ט) בזוהר הקדוש איתא בשעה שמדת הרחמים מתעוררת" לבוא בעולם, מתלבשת אז השכינה בדמות אשה אם [מלשון אמא]. ומדוע דוקא בדמות אם? מבאר הגאון רבי חיים מוואלוז'ין זצ"ל: אב ואם שניהם אוהבים את תינוקם אהבה עזה, שניהם מחבקים ומנשקים אותו בכל לבם, אבל כאשר מתלכלך התינוק מגלה האב חוסר אונים, ואין בסבלנותו לטפל בו עוד, אז האם נוטלת אותו ומטפלת בו רוחצת ומנקה אותו, ואף כשהוא מטונף היא אינה סרה ממנו, ואינה נרתעת מלנשק אותו. השכינה שוכנת עם ישראל אף בטומאתם כמו שכתוב "השוכן אתם בתוך טומאותם", שכן גם בשעה שבני ישראל מתלכלכים בעבירות שכינה עמהם, אלא שאז מתגלה השכינה בדמות אשה, האם, מבקשת לרחוץ את בניה מעוונותיהם ולטהרם ולשחררם משביו של היצר הרע."

Sorry to go off the topic of this thread, but the book simply says that Hashem does not listen to the davening of people that masturbate no buts, no ifs.
Surely if it meant that we connect with Hashem’s “feminine” side or that Hashem only turns a deaf ear to those who do it as an act of rebellion, it would have said so, I don’t think the book was written for people who know all the kabalistic sources and would be able to put it into the correct context and understanding on their own.
Surely the fact that the book is mainstream and accepted indicates that there is truth to it?
Deep down I know Hashem listens to my davening, but the fact that the book says otherwise scares me….

baalteshuva wrote on 29 Apr 2010 22:25:


The original source is talking about how things ought to be. We live in a generation that is so difficult and permeated with Impurity... G-d always takes circumstances into account...




The following source illustrates that the consequences due to sin have diminished in today's generation:



-Sources are from
תשובה בזמנינו
ד"ר בן-ציון סורוצקין

Rage ATM wrote on 29 Apr 2010 22:30:


I'm not sure the issue is whether He LISTENS to our prayers, but maybe the issue could be whether He says YES to what we ask. My thought is... He does what is best for us, and whether that is the same as what we're asking Him for is an entirely different question.

But to think that He could turn a deaf ear to any of His children? ? ? CHAS V'SHALUM!

Perhaps this is simply playing with words, but somehow I don't think so.