From my record high of 60d I am down to once a week.

Recent chronic unpleasantness between my wife and I means
my life is at an all-time low.

i am desperate to mast------ as this is the only nice,
sweet, delicious thing in my life!  Guilt, millions, billions
of lost souls, total disgust, etc really don;t put me off
anymore - what difference will one more aveyra make?

Sorry to hear you are feeling down.
I find that masturbation can often be used as an escape from dealing with the ups and downs of life,
especially intamacy issues. I have realised that my issues wont just fade away, i need to deal with life, even if it is difficult in the long run I will be MUCH better off.
you may find this very helpful http://www.sexualcontrol.com/masturbation-addiction.html

Can't tell you about science but when I want to avoid the stress of live I want to M*** but I don't enjoy it after I did it.

dont know about scientific..

but I have found that Rabbi Arush (Garden of Peace) is absolutely right when he says the wife is the spiritual mirror of her husband.

I can come home and be the nicest, most wonderful husband...and even take out the trash, wash the dishes, fix the broken light sockets, etc... but if I was M**** or oogling other women...

my wife will usually start an arguement with something like "why dont you do what you are supposed to be doing"

the voice of Hashem!
all she has to do is move her lips.

think about this - the way our wives act toward us is the way we are acting toward Hashem.

Ouch!

DovInIsrael wrote on 07 Apr 2010 11:33:



this is the hardest thing. I think she is one  degree away from hating me outright.  Yeah I know I've been a mastur---ing fantasist for almost my entire 'adult' life but I did once manage 60days of absitence and to be honest my life at home wasn't any better!

So, if I keep myu hands off it, keep my eyes straight (to not ogle?  THE HARDEST!!), listen to my wife more... how many days would it take from your experience to see a little bit of Shalom in our miserable little bayis.

happygrowth wrote on 06 Apr 2010 22:53:


dear Happy - this sums me up (from your wesbite link - thank you)

One problem with addictive masturbation is that it is non-relationship sex. Instead of healthy, loving sex with another person, compulsive masturbation leads to shallow, fantasy-based sex alone.

Some addicted masturbators completely avoid intimate relationships. Most seek out intimacy and discover that their addiction to having sex alone conflicts with their need for genuine, loving intimacy.

are you both commited to making the relationship work?

when me nad my wife were in a ssimilar situation - the one thing whic kept us goign is we both came from very messed up families - with zero shalom bayit and we were both interested in at least being able to provide shalom bayit for our children.

have you tried some life coaching?

what are your gripes about your wife?
what are her gripes about you?

DovInIsrael wrote on 11 Apr 2010 15:16:


1. that our daughter loves to dress tsnius and loves am yisroel!! 
2. our daughter goes to a small local Chabad day school which is not great academically
3. our daughter is not interested in 'american culture'
4. our daughter complains if my wife wears jeans
5. our daughter is upset if my wife wants to do anything muksa on shabbos..... 

These are not the dreams my wife had for our only daughter.

DovInIsrael wrote on 11 Apr 2010 15:16:


ha!  well, the opposite of the above.  that she considers any form of observance a stupid, ignorant, narrow-minded, petty thing.  For her judaism is a "feeling" and shabbas is a dumbed-down to a family day where you drive to your friends and hang out.  Or shop. 
She opposes any form of counselling.  She believes in zero discipline of our daughter, no boundaries.

To be honest it's a miracle I am not mast-----ting 100 times a day (I certianly could do with it RIGHT NOW it would REALLY SWEETEN my day)

It's a pretty bad list. You should talk to a Rav you _both_ respect to see if these are real issues with your wife or perhaps if you are interpreting her behavior. If she is bent on violating Shabb-s a Rav may advise you to leave your wife.

Be careful that you are not interpreting her priorities because you resent her for not providing you with relief.

CHILL! WHOA!

Please, 30 year, no suggestion of divorce! You wouldn't suggest, say, removing his kid's kidney without knowing his medical situation, right?

Anyway...

tell us more...are you a baal teshuva (and your wife isn't)? Or did you get frumer over the years?

This I do know...your wife is right. I mean, you haven't exactly been consistent with your frumkiet (neither have I, God knows!)...and you can't fool your wife. Oy, did I try! Keep yourself together, and clean. Try to get some sort of tocho k'baro. Methinks, that if your wife sees that Torah adds beauty to her life, a happier closer husband, that Shabbos means family and love, that tzinius means majesty and depth ( I mean, what is your subliminal message to her about tzinius?)...I think that things can move forward in a positive way.

Why not tell us a little more?

2. our daughter goes to a small local Chabad day school which is not great academically
4. our daughter complains if my wife wears jeans
5. our daughter is upset if my wife wants to do anything muksa on shabbos..... 



that she considers any form of observance a stupid, ignorant, narrow-minded, petty thing.  For her judaism is a "feeling" and shabbas is a dumbed-down to a family day where you drive to your friends and hang out.  Or shop.

ok - I dont think you answered my question (the first question - was what woudl your wife say are HER gripes about YOU... seems like you gave me YOUR DAUGHTERS gripes against your wife.  But since that is what you answered ...I'll work with this...not that I know anything.. because I am a nothing...but if Hashem sees fit - He will put the word into my mouth. )

- your daughters school is not so great academically. How do you think this makes your wife feel, knowing that she will not have a daughter who will be sooooo smart???

ans: just as a suggestion, how about Stupid.

-your daughter complains if your wife wears pants. How do you think this makes your wife feel?

ans: just as a suggestion, how about Stupid ("i don't know anything, etc")

- your daughter complains if your wife does muksa on shabbas. How do you think this makes your wife feel?

ans: see above.

are you seeing any pattern here, yet??

Your gripe against your wife - she sees observance as Stupid.

did you get it yet?

from your Wife's point of view SHE IS NOT STUPID!!!
Shabbat is stupid!!!

BUT it is NOT HER!!!

sounds like others might have called her stupid at some point while growing up - and this is one of her triggers! (um, mine fields)

as a suggestion - why not start slow...

www.lessonsintanya.com is a very good site - talks to the modern, open minded listener.

ask you wife for a date night - listen to a shiur together.

or better yet. let her know you feel there is some distanc between you, and you regret that... and want to know what you can do to help move your relationship forward.

10-minutes a day, perhaps over tea...as a social time, goes a long way.

(no complaining or criticizing your wife - it does not help the situation)

charoset.

I mean Dov In Israel 

DovInIsrael wrote on 12 Apr 2010 12:53:


ok, totally fair.    She would say I don't listen.  Or care enough.

easily fixed - tell your wife:

- that you recognize there has been some distance betweenboth of you
- tell her you regret that
- tell her you some some ideas, but woudl like to hear from her first. ask her for her input how to move forward

one suggestion is a regualr tea time: 10 minutes a day
each one listens to the other for part of the time.


no interrupting.
no critisizing your wife
no complaining.


use "I " language.

I felt...
I found...
I

women need to talk and be listened too -

you're right - using "I feel" type language is good.  Does work.  
thanks for that.
----------------------------------

BUT!  50% of the time I have to confess I HATE every stupid
thing my wife does.

yes on some level I have deep love for her (deeply hidden),
but (especially around our daughter) I can't stand the STUPID
decisions she makes !

It's a horrible thing to say, and yes I accept this is ultimately
my doing, but how can I recover and fix the way I feel?

DovInIsrael wrote on 14 Apr 2010 14:38:

How can I keep quiet?  Half of everthing she does is simply
stupid!!!!!

It's a bit like Masturb--- ... I know it's wrong but I do it
anyway.....despising my wifes STUPID IDIOTIC behaviour - I
know it's wrong, but I do that too anyway! 

Is there any hope?  can I turn this round?   After 45 years of life
on this planet and you'd think I could improve a little .... I
know it's wrong but I simply lack GUILT .

yeah so I know the root cause: I have no fear of hashem!  
How can I fear Hashem?  Is there anyway I can develop this
skill?  If I fear Hashem everything would be clearer.  

What do I need to do?!  I fear my boss more than Hashem!

(ironically, my wife is FULL of fear - she's afraid of everything
and worries 24x7. she hates herself and doesn't consider herself
worthy of ANYTHING)



OK someone out there must know: how can I learn to fear
Hashem please?

cool...so many issues, so little time. Kind of like me.

Sounds like your wife feels totally disapproved of...so she disapproves of everything you hold important...I suppose I'd do the same....you DO disapprove of her...someone so scared needs to defend however she can...this scared little girl - no matter hold old she - has the spitz hell on earth - seeing that her husband doesn't love her.

That's one thing she wants...