And today, you are one of the few people in the world truly making a difference for so many people! How powerful are tears... The gates of tears are never closed! Keep strong!

Keep it up, ignore the one slipupo and keep 3 counts, one how long youv'e been working on this, and two how many slipups you've had, three how long since your last slip.  I'l be at 2 weeks this motzai shabbos (no pornography, magazines, or even and nonkosher thoughts, and only a handfull of breaches in shmiras einayim) I don't have ab=n availkable internet most of the time (bechazdai hashem!!!) otherwise I would chalenge you to a match and see who can hold up better in the things their working on...It would surly help...

About the urges, the same way a bodybuilder saiys "pain is good", and a soldier mumbles about pa"pain is weakness leaving the body ..."(on his 200th pushup), condition yourself to like the fight....you'll miss it when the stroing urges go away (but whatever you do don't daven for them again....David Hamelech did that, and then came batsheva)

Hi All,

Just to say, having a real low low week..... I'm falling faster than rain. I just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am numb from the guilt and embarrassed that I have fallen from such heights of pre-tisha be'av.

Yours,

Menachem.

Menachem,

First of all, by virtue of the fact that you came here to tell us all that you are having a low week, it means you are not having as bad a week as the Yetzer Hara is telling you!

I remember, when I used to fall and succumb to my sex addictions, the last thing I would do is admit it!  Not only do you have the courage to admit it, you are doing so in a public forum! 

The Yetzer Hara is mad at you! Do you know why? because before Tisha B'Av you threw him to the dogs, and took control of yourself and became a better yid.

When he is mad, he goes into high gear, and tries to pursuade you that you have fallen, and that there is no  light at the end of the tunnel, and all sorts of bad things. He did such a good job, that you fell for it, and succumbed to his evil convincing.

All that shows is that you are human!

All humans fall. Our job is to remain strong, not to get depressed, and to get up again and continue clibming the ladder to Hashem.

You will fall again, and you will continue getting right back up and thumbing your nose at the lousy Yetzer Hara!

As time goes on, you will find that although you may fall, you will not fall as low as the time before, and thus when you get up and climb, you will climb a little higher than the previous time.

The battle with the yetzer Hara is one we will always be involved in until the day we die.

The key to surviving is NOT to get depressed! NOT  to let the guilt convince you thatyou failed beyond repair!

In fact, the light at the end of the tunnel is there for each and every yid, especially those that are embattled with this horrible addiction to sex/porn/masturbation  yet eventually overcome it!

Menachem, your name  means "Comfort". We are now in the month of comfort, and YOU  will end off this month as a better jew than you started, and be better equipped for the upcoming Elul season.

Your faliures are there for one reason: to learn and grow from them!

We have faith in you Menachem. NEVER give up. Ask hashem for help constatntly and he is right there to hold your hand!

Mevakesh. 

    You said good!

crackerjak.  B"H you ARE well on the way, because as you know, the harder we fall...the HIGHER we bounce. This is cause and affect. The harder you throw the ball to the ground, the HIGHER it will go up. Many many tzaddikim, as a result of  their falls, rose to their highest  heights. I have read their stories. 
  I have seen over and over again how we NEED to fall...so that we can use it as the catalyst to rise. Now of course, the yetzer is here with you and your fallings and he does NOT want you to utilize it for your good, so he boggles and confuses your mind and tries to do the final Knock out.
    Crackerjak.  I may be wrong but it could be that in this fall, like most falls, the yetzer is telling you, "you have already fallen so much, look at what "you" have done to yourself. Everything, absolutely everything you have gained over the past few weeks, all of your tshuva, and cleansing...it is all lost. Why should you stop now in the midst of this fall. You know that if you stop you will only fall again. You know that you don't have the control to fight me. So, you might as well give in now and call it quits."
  Here was my answer to his advice: (btw, chazal say to get angry at your yetzer harah, and you know that he has several different names that chazal call him , and it is good for us to call him all of these names that fit him,i.e  Rasha, menuval, meshukatz, zaken, etc. So, in the midst of my fall I would scream these befitting names to this meshuketz creation. And, then when he told me, " know that if you get up, I am only going to knock you down again. What's the use. Why are you wasting your time? All of your tshuva is going to be wasted again and again." Suddenly the ribbono shel olam gave me daas, and what was it? We all know that at sometime, the Mashiach is going to come. We don't know when. It is to be  suddenly and without any warning. Unfortunetly not all of us will merit to be here for his coming. There is to be a cleansing, a "Birur" before he comes. We want to be with one's who WILL be here to great the Moshiach.
  I came to the conclusion that if I do tshuvah now,  even in the middle of my fall, I catch myself, and start the climb upwards, (even knowing that there is a good chance that I will fall again, none the less, this is considered tshuvah. So, maybe when the Moshiach does come, I wll I"YH be on one of my upward climbs and be spared. The yetzer does not want us to think of this. He tells us to throw in the towel, why are you wasting your time? So, even if/when I do fall, it IS still worth it for me to turn around asap. It is NOT a contradiction as HE makes it appear. It is NOT a wasted effort.
  To back this up I will quote the Maharal M'Prague in kenness yisroel.
He says that there are alot of people who do NOT want the Moshiach to come. Why. For this reason. They are frightened that they haven't as of yet done their tshuvah and tikkunim and therefore will perish in the birur(the heavenly cleansing before his arrival). They are not ready, and are therefore frightened that  he will come now, when we are not prepared.
  The Maharal says: Don't worry! You do not have to have finished your tshuvah to greet the Moshiach. You only have to have begun the process, i.e be on the upward climb, even though you are presently on a low level. He compares this to an Eruv Tavshilin. What is an Eruv Tavshilin. If we start to cook now...then via the eruv tavshilin  we can continue to prepare for Shabbos. If you don't begin the preparation now, then you won't have anything, but if you DO begin now,(not neccessarily complete) only begin to cook now, (begin your tshuvah-your upward climb), then you WILL have what to eat for Shabbos,(you will merit to great the Moshiach). This is the secret that Mr. Yetzer HaMenuvil does NOT want you to know. So, you see, no matter how low you are now, and even if you will fall again, and again, (hopefully less and less frequently), then the chances are that you will be on the upswing when the Moshiach comes.
  We should all be zocheh!!!

me:

Thank you! Your response was right on target as well!  I would like to see that maharal inside. Do you have an exact chapter and page for that?

Thank you.

I will look it up when I get a chance.  It is in the Maharal: Netzach Yisoel. Perek 46.

Dear crakerjack menachem,

I had you in mind today when I wrote the chizuk e-mail (#262). Read it well because it is talking straight to you!

It may sound strange, but is not the progress that really counts to Hashem! What counts to him is davka the falls, the difficulties and the struggle, because this all leads us to a dependency on Hashem. The more we realize we can't do it on our own, the more we feel connected with him. And that is what he is waiting for! After all, he could get rid of the Yetzer Hara in one minute! But like it says in this week's Parsha, he doesn't do that with our enemies. He wants us to feel constantly dependant on him.

But as soon as we reach that frame of mind, we are ready for him to truly help us! Once we admit we can't do it on our own, we surrender to the higher power and at that point we are ready to see the salvation of Hashem, as it says "ain ben david ba ad ... ain lanu al mi lismoch ela al avinu shebashamayim!" - meaning, Moshiach won't come (read: any type of true salvation), until we cry out that we have no one to rely on but our father in heaven!"

Dear All, (Me, Mevakesh and Admin)

Thank you all for your wonderful advice and chizzuk. I can truly say that it is your inspired words that are helping me haul myself onto the right track once again.

I did have a nasty fall. It was messy and I couldnt see a way out of it. When one is down in the gutter all you see is shmutz and people treading on your face. Trust me, there is no greater feeling of utter depression when you feel that you have let everyone down, most of all yourself. Like I was saying, before 9th Av, I was flying high and in full control. As soon as it was over I went into freefall, a real 'prikas ol'. I tried climbing out of the mess but fell at the very first attempt. It was like trying to climb a rung-less ladder.

I have been trying to search for the causes of my fall. After all, I have everything good in life B'H. I am very happily married, lovely children, good job etc etc b'h. Then i came to the realisation that there are two main reasons why this was happening to me.

1) I am human and male. The very two attributes and ingredients for the Yetzer Hara to ply his evil trade.

2) I was quite severely sexually abused by my cheder school rebbes/camp madrichim/fellow bochorim/peers and yeshiva students as a child.

I know that others will have suffered too at the hands of these despicable people but, I as a young boy went through hell and I mean real hell with the abuse. I have never done anything about it and never addressed it. My wife knows nothing about it.

I am also very aware that although the above is painfull to recall, noone is put through a test in life that he/she cannot handle. I am positive that Hashem made me go through what i went through in order that i can help others and make other people aware of issues that are otherwise sealed and kept in the Heimishe taboo closet. I believe that in the best and most dignified way i can help due to my personal experiences.

I'm not looking for excuses. I'm not looking for ways out of this. I know that ultimately, I have the bechira to do what is right and what is wrong. The trick is self control. I just need to keep telling myself this.....

Thanks again for all your help and good advice!

Menachem

 

Menachem:

I commend you for the direction you are going, and I wish you much strength in your battle. I also am sorry for what you experienced as a child.

One point I want to say to you, which I think will help you in the future if Chas V'Shalom you ever fall again.

You wrote: "Like I was saying, before 9th Av, I was flying high and in full control. As soon as it was over I went into freefall, a real 'prikas ol'."

One who thinks that they are ever "in full control" is opening himself up for a nasty fall, as the Yetzer Hara is a lot stronger than you!

One must ALWAYS realize that they are never "in full control", rather they are in the control of Hashem Yisborach! Then, and only then, does he have a chance of overcoming the Yetzer Hara, as Hashem is of course  stronger than the Yetzer Hara.

As the Gemara says: "The Yetzer Hara is so powerful and man cannot overcome him, if not for Hashem's help"

We have to realize this. We have to believe this. We have to internalize this. Then we will be able to experience it and see the Yetzer Hara fall once and for all!

Chazak V'Ematz.

Menachem,

#2 is the reason, not #1. You are not going to heal sexual abuse by yourself.  There is a much faster way and that is with group experiential therapy.  You might need to seriously think about going away for a week or 2 to a treatment center.  If they don't have one in the UK, there are plenty in the US.  I went to one in Nashville, TN  called onsite (onsiteworkshops.com) for a week during last Tisha B?v and have been sober for over a year, with one slip, ever since.  It is scary and a very intense process, but well worth it. 

I am wondering, if you have a good marriage, why wouldn't you tell your wife what happened and she can help you get through it. Again, on the advice of a certified counselor.

In the meantime, do yourself a favor and get these two books.  They will open your eyes, mind and ears to what has happened and why you continue this action - because of the abuse.

One is "Betrayal Bonds" by Patrick Carnes.  The other is "Healing the Shame" by John  Bradshaw.
If you can't find them in the UK, I'll send them to you.  That's how important it is, right now for you.

Anyone else reading this who has been though, sexual, physical, emotional or intellectual abuse, do yourself a favor and get them today.  What's intellectual abuse?  When you ask a rebbi or teacher a question like "why" do we do that and the response is , "don't worry about why, just do it, don't ask such stupid questions.  that's intellectual abuse.  Sound familiar.  In my high school, kids were told that if their mother didn't wear a shaitel she would burn in hell.  Again, abusive.  So many young people have turned away from Yiddishkeit from this type of abuse and it is rampant today in our society.

A

Elya and Mevakesh, I can't tell you how much I value having you guys as moderators on this forum. Mevakesh always has the spiritual / Chassidic point of view, and Elya always has the "healing" and "psychological" point of view, and both of these views are necessary and so important!

Menachem, you are in great hands! Do as they say and you'll be on your way to a new you!

Elya,

First off do you have a private email address? Mine is onlyexample@gmail.com

Thanks so much for caring. Thanks so much for being 'noseh be'oil im chavairo'. I just want to answer some of the points you mentioned in your post.

I not 100% sure what it’s like there in the US but here, in the frum kehillos in the UK (there are practically only 5 in the whole of the UK!!) its extremely difficult to enact on your addiction professionally by seeking help from professional councilors. The saying here goes 'when you don't know what your doing, don't worry, someone else will'! The close-knit community lifestyle is such that seldom can you go/do/have/buy etc etc anything without someone, somewhere knowing. As such, if I were to 'go away for a few days' it would soon be translated and watered down (amongst the shmoozers in the Mikvah) into a sensational exclusive like 'Did you hear that Menachem etc etc'. I know you might think this is odd and far fetched as surely, what can be wrong with going away for a few days? However, being the person I am and the position I hold in the community, it would be a tough one to pull off. I have been to private counseling and found it to be distant and not aimed at my type of addiction. It was almost as if the sessions I attended were directed at serial adulterers and rapists! Anyway, even popping out for these sessions was difficult to disguise...

On a separate note, as a general rule, the British are quite closed in and cold to issues such as these. The Americans are more brash and 'in your face' which helps in cases like this. I don't need an English mentality themed therapy. I need therapy from people that have wider and broader knowledge of these matters. So I'm thinking that in the US (where I’ve been to on a few occasions and have many friends and relatives) this issue can be tackled in a more direct manner. Like you suggested I would think that a treatment centre is more for me. I need an intense (and scary) programme after what I’ve been through. These don't exist in the UK and even if they do, I doubt I would be able to attend one here for the reasons outlined above.

Regarding your suggestion of speaking to my wife. I'm not sure if you have read any of the posts on ****** but if you read carefully (one excerpt has already been published here in the stories section titled 'in a dark hole') I used to post on their forum which led me to this forum because someone replied to my cries and directed me to this website Boruch Hashem. I think i mentioned there and I’ll mention it here again that i genuinely feel that if there was anyone who could help me, it would be my dear wife. She adores me and we dearly love each other. However................I am frightened, no let me say that again TERRIFIED that by merely broaching the subject to her she will take it wrongly and the whole issue will blow right out of proportion and my marriage will disintegrate before my very eyes. I know that there are those that have had their wives know of their problem and their wives have helped them out. I however don’t believe that this is an option for me. I really think that if I can sort out my problem without her knowing it would be the best solution to a messy situation. How is another question altogether. I would think that going to the US may be the only viable option at the moment.

I will try and locate those other books you mentioned and let you know how I get on in finding them.

On a good note, I've been clean now for a few days and keeping up the hard as hell work. I started the day today by learning a few p'sukim with rashi on the parsha. The possuk 'ki hashochad ye'aver einei chachamim ve'salef divrei tzaddikim' hit me like a brick wall!! Is Shochad any different than our battle against the Yetzer Harah??? The Y'H also makes perverse the eyes of chachamim - people who think they are clever and can beat the Y'H and makes crooked the words of tzaddikim by pouring scorn on those tzaddikim that tell us to do teshuva.....

I look forward to hearing from all of you and like I always say, we're in this together and no one is going to manage on their own.

Hatzlacha ubracha!

Menachem

Menachem,

Fist of all, I want to commend you for being clean for a few days. I know that even a few days  feels like eternity when trying to kick this nasty addiction, and the fact that you were able to come this far, means that you have it in you to kick it forever!

Stay strong, and dont let the yetzer Hara grab you away from the good side that you are on now!

Regarding your wife, i understand you 1000%. In fact, my wife too has no clue as to what I went through, what i experienced, and that I am in the midst of  kicking this horrible addiction.

I know many of you reading this cannot understand or fathom that, but Menachem and many others out there know exactly what I mean. Sometimes, even wives that love us and we love them, cannot handle certain truths about their husbands, and it is better to  tackle  the addiction on our own and with the help of others in the same boat as us (like here on the forum)

Menachem! Your Olam Haba is amazing! Don't throw it away! Not today, not ever. Mashiach is that much closer, because of YOU!!!!

Chazak V'Ematz

Mevakesh,

Thanks so much for your warm words. This forum is truly revolutionery! Never before in the history of mankind have a few sincere married frum men got together and agreed to help their fellow addicts beat an addiction so addictive. Never before have people had the guts to admit that they are having a problem with mz''l and want to address it.

I also take great comfort that you Mevakesh understand me from where I'm coming from. For so many years I mistakedly assumed that NO-ONE would ever understand me and that what i was going through was different from anyone else. How wrong I was.

I love it that finally people understand me and genuinely care. You mentioned my olam haba, It's more like your olam haba for caring!

Look forward to hearing from you soon.

Menachem