Lesson 1:
[font=Verdana]1. It was stated that there are three keys to establishing a successful foundation for permanent change in early recovery. These are: 1) actively committing yourself to change; 2) not allowing guilt/shame to sabotage your commitment to change; and 3) allowing yourself time to change. Consider where you feel you are in relation to each of these recovery keys? Briefly share your thoughts in your Recovery Thread.
1) As the article mentions, the only way in which I will be able to completely overcome my addiction is not through pressure from others to "fix" my problem, nor by despising the pain the addiction causes me (the point where the pain of the addiction is greater than the pleasure in fulfilling these desires). Rather the solution can only come through sincere desire to change ones lifestyle.
before writing my answer, I have had to let this question sit with me for a while. its really not so easy. with the # of falls I have been havign latetely, I have even begun to question my desire to change. this is probably due to the fact that often the pain of the addiction is not greater than the plessures I have been experiencing. My addiction has taken on new forms in recent months. just before this year, I was clean for nearly 2 entire years, with little acting out. my recent return to America has made my spiritual expectations to lofty for true attainment here, leaving me feelign guilty and in need of numbing rather than a real solution. this has probably brought me to where I am now. So while I know that I cannot bring any proof from my recent history of falling as to where my character stands, it is hard to really ignore who I "have become." What really keeps me going is my memories, letters and videos I have written to myself before my return to USA that transport me back to my yeshiva days. These remind me of my true self.
So when I look back, I can recall myself having had a much happier life, filled with real goals and aspirations which I was making tremendous strides to accomplish. What I am committing to do by "changing" I think is rediscovering the true me. In the process, I am hoping to becoming more of a giver to Bnei yisroel and finding myself as a part of my people. What has been triggering my fallings has been a feeling of inadequacy and sadness. In general, becuase my emotional state is based on my perception of my spiritual state, I fall when I feel far to H' and don't when I feel close -- or at least when I feel I am striving to be close.
Am I ready for change? Yes- i am. When I say change, I mean a personality makeover. not just an external touchup, but an entire rewiring of personality that will make me into the extroverted, cheery, Aaron that everyone knows and loves. Not the one who hides away from his firends and family, nor the one who is constantly taking for himself, but rather the REAL ME!
unfortunately though, history has proven this a difficult task. B"H I am battling with specific spharim geared towards improving my overall perception of life and self.
2) For better and for worse, I have become indifferent to my falls, simply classifying them as not being the real me. i simply live with an "acher" inside of me constantly. I know him to be someone else. This recent separation of his personality from my own has made the struggle much easier. No longer to I guilt myself with crying or crazy teshuva that would make me feel like garbage, but rather I pick myself up and move on as quickly as possible. As i was once told by silentbattle, my addiction has placed me in a battlefield, with bullets flying by my right and my left. I am running towards safety, but in the process I feel a nick at the back of my leg. Do I stop and check the wound in the middle of the battlefield? of course not! Only once in the safe zone can I treat the wound. My life is still at stake out here, so theres not time for caring for minor wounds.
Q: The only problem I have found in my approach is not feeling responsible for my actions. Because the line of distinction is so thin between not drowning in guilt and not taking responsibility, I have had a hard time fighting future battles. I am unsure if what I am doing is ignoring my Y"H in order to get myself away from the root of the problem (RID) so that I can try and rebuild a new life of simcha, properly ignoring the minor issues in hopes of eventually reaching that stage of teshuva where I will be able to feel proper remorse for my previous way of life OR if I am just reducing my yiras shamayim.
I'd love to hear some thoughts about this one if you would please.......
3) I know logically that this will take me some time to fix, but my emotions demand quick results. I think that might have been part of the problem with my recent months of falling was the frustration I would experience after not having seen immediate change. Patience is easier said than done. After nearly a year of getting worse after trying pretty hard to recover, I think that it is clear now that this is gonna take some time.
Thanks so much for reading !! looking forward to your replies.
