I am TOF. I've been struggling with p**n since I was 13. Eventually, when I was 18, I got so addicted that I needed to put on a filter. I went through some really tough withdrawal.
At that point in my life I was just so relieved that I didn't have access to the internet, and I thought all my problems would go away. I didn't want to even think about my addiction, and I pushed it out of my mind and told myself it was a thing of the past.
Then I got a girlfriend. I was really happy about this, because none of the girls liked me when I was in high school and I felt like this would solve some of my unresolved self-esteem issues.
Before having a girlfriend, I had never struggled with being shomer negia. I didn't realize how much that would change.
As the relationship progressed, being shomer became harder and harder. The built up tension it created caused me to relapse with p**n. I found a way around my filter. I had thought that I was finally safe and I didn't have to worry about this nightmare returning to my life. I was very wrong.
I tried to never be alone in my room. I would do all my homework in the library. Still, i couldn't avoid it entirely, and every once in a while I would fall again. Then, at a moment of weakness, I simply called the filter company and asked them for my password, which they gave me.
Meanwhile issues with my girlfriend got worse. We messed up on shomer negia. And then again. And again. And then we promised to stop, but it happened again after that.
Throughout this whole struggle, my schoolwork has been suffering. I started missing a class here and there, but eventually I just stopped going. I didn't even care. That's what this addiction does to me, it makes me not care about anything.
I found GYE. I installed a K9 filter,  and the password is safely out of my hands. However, I've fallen so far behind in school that I think I'm going to have to drop this semester.
Is this what it feels like to hit rock bottom? I sure hope so, because I don't want to fall any further down.
TOF

My friend, unfortunately, we can go much, much lower.

Good news, though - you don't have to go lower to hit rock bottom! I believe the handbooks contain links to an article about hitting rock bottom while you're still on top, or something like that!

I really relate to what you are saying.

I am in college and have certainly had *a lot* of times when I just don't care about classes and sleep through them, or look at porn instead of going, or just waste days eating and sleeping all the time and being miserable.

But eventually, I get so sick of it and the way it makes me feel and the embarrassment and the alienation that I say "Enough!". And then I try slowly but surely to dust myself off and reengage with life.

This is the cycle that our lives proceed in. It's always cyclic. With Hashem's help, the lows get higher and the important thing is to look back once in a while and see how far we have come. Remember, all you are expected to do is try.

Here is an idea that re-occured to me. Try writing yourself a hesped.  Now write section II  focusing on the potential of the "niftar", and highlighting what everyone expected of you. Now write section III detailing what will happen to you if you don't deal with this addiction how it will progress, and what will become of you.

you don't have to post it, or even share it, the point is for you to realise where you are, and what you want.

MAZAL TOV on hitting rock bottom. Please make sure to write down every thing you are feeling now so at a later date you can look at it. This feeling will past with time and you want to remember why you wanted to get your life under control. Best of luck.

Hey TiredofFalling,

I was in a very similar situation to you just a few years ago, but my addiction had unfortunately gone a few steps further than yours.

You definitely have not hit rock bottom, so please don't despair! Before I was forced to admit that I had to quit masturbation, I had already failed two years of college and changed courses as well as schools. In addition, my health had been ruined by 8 years of continuous self-abuse and I was in constant physical and mental suffering. Furthermore, most my own family had begun to look down on me and insult me to my face. I need not mention the treatment I received at the hands of my so called 'friends.'

I know the YH keeps on trying to convince you that there's no hope and that you might as well give up, but that's such a lie. He just wants you to sink even further into despair and apathy, so you fail to take incisive and decisive measures to terminate his influence in your life. You may not believe me, but I can tell you that when I was mired in the addiction, even my greatest efforts to study and be a 'good boy' came to nothing. It was seriously as if some invisible and malevolent hand/force was retarding all my attempts to make progress. For some strange reason, I couldn't even find information in textbooks that all my classmates could, despite spending hours searching.

You have to persevere in battling this addiction no matter how painful, boring and unrewarding it seems at first. It is worth it and it's seriously a matter of life and death. Today, I'm still struggling and I probably will continue to do so till the day I die, but my circumstances have been totally reversed since I genuinely resolved to quit masturbation, porn etc. I honestly believe that God was the true cause of this dramatic reversal in my fortunes.

Don't give up mate, and your self-esteem will improve as you become a stronger person. Remember "success is a journey and not a destination" so don't be upset if miracles don't happen overnight. 

Good luck and keep us posted!

TC

DesertLion   

DesertLion wrote on 04 Mar 2010 00:14:


Just one comment...

I thought hitting rock bottom was a good thing :-\ :-\

And somewhere else in this forum (I think by Boruch?) it is defined as coming to the conclusion that life is unmanageable as is and that you can't do it on your own... (and you can hit bottom at any point that you internalize this...)

Peace and love holy brothers...

Hey trying123,

You're right, after all it's all about trying to hit bottom whilst still on top as Guard says, lol.

Thanks for pointing that out and hope you're doing well.

TC

DL

I'm chugging along....

Gotta run but I'll check in w you later tonight...

Peace and Love Holy brother....

Keep chugging.... (or was it trucking... waht ever either one is ok :D)

Ok I'm back.... You can now breath again....

What's up? I posted in the wall of Honor thread for you, TOF....

Have a great night.....

DL Hope youre still Chugging....

Peace and Love to all...

Hey Tried123,

I'm glad to hear you're 'chugging along.' It's business as usual down my side as well.

TC and KUTGW!

DL