Ok here goes, i have been having masturbation/porn issues since i was 12, now im 32..married with kids bh.

I have never even remotely discussed this with anyone.

I need to stop, i have stopped before, in yeshiva, sometimes for a long time, then after i got married it became harder, particularly when my wife has very little interest in 'bed' which has been almost always.

the masturbations are very infrequent, but its the whole attitude which is wrong. My whole life is based around women, whether its going to eat at a friend because he has a pretty wife, or making sure to go to a beach that has [triggering word deleted] women. I have a constant fight with my yetzer hora. Can i reasonably say then that fighting this is my goal in life...?

I am so petrified of the reprucussions from Hashem...constantly..yet i cant seem to wipe it out.

I am frum from birth..yeshivish..good schools ..yeshivas ..kollel etc..no childhood issues so i have no excuse

I love tv, movies which even when i am on a clean spell do not help...but i really cant see myself completely stopping that.

I waste endless time on rubbish, have fantasised things i wished i could have done, my eyes have seen terrible things...i need help..salvation..get this out of me please.......

i know this is just the beginning for me..and prob lots of issues to address, i really feel this place is so warm and understanding, i saw it from my very brief introductory note, please help me....i prefer not the standard whole GYE spiel as have seen all of that on my post and others, i need personal help...please

Gosh, since you were 12?  That sounds very familiar!

The fact that you're FFB and learned in Yeshiva and Kollel is not very relevant.  This addiction has spared no class of Jews, as the Rosh Yeshiva writes so powerfully in his Haskama for GYE.  

www.guardyoureyes.org/?p=2118

I didn't see the word "addiction" in your post even once, but that's what this is (as the Rosh Yeshiva's letter makes very clear, using that word, or its grammatical variations, no less than 5 times).  That's why fear of punishment, which you express, is besides the point, and won't really help you.  It's like someone who, R"L, has cancer: does he fear that he'll be punished if he doesn't do everything possible to get cured?  That's not his motivator at all - he just yearns to be healthy.

In any case, what are you afraid of, going to gehinnom?  If you're going day after day with this addiction, your life is a living hell anyway - there's no need for future punishment as a motivator to get this disease in remission . . .

Shalom,




We have learned the we need Yiras Hashamayim to keep us from chet, however...we here are in a different category. And, as you have found out yourself that, you are "so petrified......yet you can't seem to wipe it out" Why doesn't the "petrifiction" help to keep you from sinning?

We have used this addiction, this type of stimulation of the highest form to numb us from all types of pain. Anxiety, lack of self esteem, worry, etc,. And, so when we bring the fear on , we end up doing just the opposite. We go back to the habit in order to numb our pain. So, the very fright, and fear of Hashem's retribution create a vicious cycle for us.
  We must work a different approach all together. You must know that it is Hashem that is giving you/us this test because he Loves us, and he wants us to win. Yes, we learned in chaz'l that yirah will keep us from sinning, but we are in a different place all together. You will see here that we use simcha, and complete reliance on hashem's love to pull us out, and not the fear which breaks us even more, and throws us down again, and again.
  Welcome aboard. And, know that you CAN change, and you will.....if you really want to!

Andrew,

I am not sure what you want US to do. You tell us to help you but then tell us not give you the "the standard whole GYE spiel." Here's a little advice for the future. If you want someone's help and you are desperate, don't tell them how to do it. That never helps. I am not angry or anything, on the contrary I am happy that you are reaching out for help. You know you need help. Its just that theres a process here. Nobody has a potion or a medicine that will instantly cure us. We have our ways which may include breaking the ice a little with "the standard whole GYE spiel." It helps. trust me. We all got it when we came here and it feels good for ou and us. So am going to pretend you never said that line. Here goes:

Andrew,

You're not a bad person. Youre a good person with a bad habit thats kinda hard to just kick tot he curb. Ya, unfortunately it affects how we live our lives just about every second of the day. But if you stay here and post away about your feelings and constanly build a better connection with Hashem every second, then this will naturally go away.

Hope you enjoy your stay here at GYE Resort. There's a continental breakfast every morning and a mini bar only filled with Woodford.

Hatzlacha!

-Yiddle

yiddle 2 allow me to aplogize and clarify....thanks for your messgae and the great ones before..what i meant was i would like and need personal messages as opposed to the long copied in standard texts that say the whole list of things..obviously i realise that is the way, just as a new memeber was reaching out for some personal warmth as opposed to copied in texts...sory if i was misunderstood

No No No. I appologize. I didnt realize you were talking about the typical GYE introduction message. I thought you were talking about what I did in the second part of my last post on this thread. I should have been Dan Lekaf Zechus. I hope you are Mochel me.

Sorry for the misunderstanding....

-Yiddle

Andrew, as much as the "whole GYE shpeil" seems a bit impersonal - and I can understand you, however, I guarantee that if you sign up to the daily chizuk e-mails and read the handbooks, you will feel that they are talking DIRECTLY TO YOU!

There you will find answers to all your questions. We all felt like you did at some point. We need to face the truth about ourselves. And we need to learn the tools, what works and what doesn't work.

You've come to the right place, you'll get tons of support and chizuk here, but please do read the handbooks.

Welcome to the forum dearest brother who goes under the name anrdewsh,

I  empathize deeply, have no magical advice to offer, all i can do is share. personally i was down down down in the dumps about this time last year. and i mean way way down there to the point  .... thing seemed so hopeless and bleak....
here is what has works for me

• the Wall of honor was a great motivator for me.


• daily  posting on the forum

• constant praying in my own words "Almighty please save me from any form of sin"


• no-nonsense content filters on every single computer cellphone pda that i own or have access to

i find the the mere fact of belonging to this holy forum affords an especial measure of Heavenly protection.
the chizuk email are tremendous, asides from the actual inspirational content, at the very least they are a for me a daily connection to the forum.

deepest wishes and sincere prayers  for you success

Noorah[/list]

Dear andrew,

wow do our stories sound famaliar!!! Yes i to BH had no problems as a child, yeshiva and now in kollel. And ive come to the realization that i am a addict!!! And now ill be honest with you. there are many people on this forum that are looking for help and looking to give help. Some will talk to you, some wont. Just let people do their thing and you decide what you think works for you. We need to understand that anything anyone says to us he is just trying to help. Not everyone can know exactly what to say especially when they have never met you, and are just basing what they are writing on what you wrote! But one thing is forsure, its all come from unconditional love!

Hope i did not come across strong, it was definitly not my intent.

Wishing you much of luck and hatzlacha!

With much love to another holy brother,

IT25

Andrew,

Have you mentioned any of this to your wife? Can i suggest you tell your wife that you need a bit more action. I have the same in that i feel men need it more and the woman are not always in tune with those needs but were they ot know they would happily provide. I have this quandry that the more you feed the addicition the more you want, what happens if you feed it 'correctly' with your wife, will this increase your need for it elsewhere or will it reduce the need as you are getting it?

From someone who shares your problems,

Strive4the Truth!

the halacha, which is for 'normal' people, i.e., non-addicts, states that when you are married you should limit tashmish activity.why is this? i guess (i dont know for sure) that the halacha knows that the more you feed it the more you need it, and the halacha wants men to get away from that and more into kedusha.the gemara (either sanhedrin or shabbos) itself says that dovid hamelech himself made a mistake in this area. now, for addicts, what should we say? probably the less activity, the more we will get it out of our conciousness.but this is a difficult step to take. but you know, the road to healing is fraught with pain. but NO PAIN, NO GAIN!
jack

I feel for you. I was an addict for thirty years and I was saved through a neder, like a nazir.

The way I think is in terms of theories. If you understand how it works then you can make a sound strategy. I believe that a sex addict can be modeled effectively almost as a person with multiple personalities. Usually he believes he is a tzadik, and he feels bad about his "bad habit." When he is staring at an erva and sinning, he continuously chooses to keep doing it. Nobody is forcing him to do it, so you have to conclude that he chooses it over and over. That is a rasha, not a tzadik. He is a rasha who wishes he were a tzadik. Understanding that the same person is both a tzadik and a rasha, and not a victim, is the key to moving on.

The brain has separate pathways that support those two personalities. You need to keep your thoughts off the bad pathways long enough to build new ones to replace the ones that you don't want. For example, I used to sin when I was stressed out at work. You cannot choose your way out of that behavior. You need help.

Help for me came in the form of a neder. I realized that the entry point into my rasha brain was the initial lude thought, the second look at a woman, etc. While I had on my tzadik personality I made a neder that I would do teshuva for the thought, and I would do it asap (usually for teshuva there is time, but not for sex addicts.) Over several years this starved the rasha's brain and gave a chance to the tzadik to build acceptable reactions and behaviors. Today I do not have the same impulses I used to have.

If you go this way I would suggest making it a short neder first to try it out, and if it works for you then when it expires you can make a new one. Importantly, your yetzer ha-ra (your thoughts!) will increase, but the neder will also give you the ability to fulfill it. Don't forget to allow for times that you are not allowed to speak, such as davening and any other time the halacha requires you to be quiet. Be careful because if you don't confess asap your kids could get hurt. Mine got a broken bone and a third-degree burn, which brought me back to reality when I was really aroused for my wife and she had no intention of having relations. When the neder expires the nazir has to bring a korban, because he is "going down." For you this will express itself as some kind of punishment. Mine was utterly horrible, but we made it.

If you can find a less harsh way around the problem, use that instead. Be matzliach.

hi and welcome...

you mentioned:
I love tv, movies

and your wife has little interest in the bedroom.


just my humble thoughts...

1. tv. movies, etc - based on western culture...designed to filled you head with illusions and fantassies which will NEVER materialize. it used to be that fairy tales ...and various LORES woudl end with "..AND THEY LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER". But now we dont even get that ... the good guy dies (I"m still upset wiht Marvel for kililng Superman) ... the hero is hero or worse off then before.

Our lives, our wives, etc  NEVER meet up to the story characters.

(my brother-in-law and sister are getting a divorce after MANY years.. I asked him why??? He said he always thought marriage would be liek the BRADY BUNCH! )

So what do we do, we look for other LORES...but in stead we find LURES... liek p***, m**** or other addictions... we get baited...we get trapped...and as the saying goes before long you might wind up fried catfish in some diner - wonder "HOW DID I GET HERE??? I was  just minding my own business"

2. women need emotion connection before they can open up physically
    men need physical connection before they can open up emotionally

dedicate 10 minutes a day with your wife (perhaps over tea) talking , listening (no complaining, no critisizing) ....I cannot promise anything...but it seems to be a big "Turn-on" for women

hope that helps.

dov in israel

hello everyone.i dont get a chance to post anymore, but today i finally have a chance.as gyou know i dont have internet at home, so i have to post from the library.i had internet for a little while because someone in my house needed it, but i got rid of it as soon as i could.so, it is almost 2 years clean for me.this elul will be 2 years, b'ezras Hashem.what a changed man i am! i'm learning better, and more.i don't feel that strong pull that i used to feel.well, who knows when i'll get my next chance to post.
just one thought - the 3 weeks are coming - and moshiach is not here yet.what can we do to bring him? love EVERY yid like yourself!
keep the battle going!
jack

jack wrote on 09 Jun 2010 14:36:

Jack: (Don't know how your post ended up on Andrew's thread, but I'm sure he doesn't mind hearing such good news!)

Wow. Amazing. 'Shkoiach! I assume you got your start here on GYE, and you've continued your work even without the internet or the support of the chevra. What beautiful strength, and self-knowledge, and so much more. You've probably saved your marriage and the next generation of klal Yisroel.

You challenged us to think of what we can do to bring Moshiach. I think the obvious answer is Ahavas Chinam. So when you post this story, all I can think of is, "I love you, man"