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Treatment options.... and recovery?

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TOPIC: Treatment options.... and recovery? 650 Views

Treatment options.... and recovery? 18 Feb 2010 04:16 #53988

shemirateinayim
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After my recent identity crisis, and sudden barrage of stupidity. I was struck with one of those life-changing realisations. Am I still an addict?

And after posting this question on my existing thread, and again on the "I'm about to fall" sticky thread, I still have not received any answer. Knowing what I do about this site, "New threads get responses", old threads die, I have decided to create what I think is the 3rd thread devoted to my struggle, and recovery.

I used to be a total addict. 24 hours a day lusting, fantasizing, and being mz"l. My body's production couldn't keep-up with my rate of Z"L it, was so often. And although I never did anything but veiwing shmutz and Z"L, I got to such an advanced stage of addiction that It lost all the thrill. I was ready to act-out on a new level, but for some unknown reason, HKB"H didn't let me ever do it. The avenues that I attempted to find a gf (or worse) NEVER once proved succesful. And I was always misteriously 'withheld' from phone lines, and online chats. Hashem had better things in store for me, and falling to such a low would have destroyed my neshama too much.

Then, with my sunsiquent growth in yeshiva, I quickly became a new person. And one by one, the underlying reasons for my addiction faded away (deep depression, no freinds, abusive home). I am now a totaly different person, empowered by my past, and creating a new future.

with this "new me" I have finnaly worked on kicking my p--- addiction, while subsiquently replacing it with a social life (something new for me), freinds, and a newfound sence of humor (or so I think :D). And while doing this, I have emersed myself within a life of kuloh torah Va'avodas hashem. And in doing so, my addiction has diminished to the level of a bad habbit, with a frequency less than that of an average bachur's tayvos nashim. Just that my history of SA, makes me act-out 'yashar velainyan'. A few minutes online, Z"L, and it's over in 10 minutes. I no longer spend countless hours lusting after colorful computer pixels. I no longer long for time alone with the computer. And I no longer lust after the pleasure of "these things".

frankly, I feel discusted by the first immage I veiw, and I feel like an idiot when i first move the computer's mouse. But I lack the ability to fight my yetzer hara on those occasions. Because I am a former SA, and that part of me will forever have a weakness towards unfiltered computers. I know that I can never "trust" myself with unblocked internet. Ain Apitropus La'arayos! Kal Vachomer to someone who was mufkar to this aveira, and to him it has become na'aseh keheter.

However, mere seconds after falling, and without any willpower or resolve to stop the fall. I will not look at a real life shiksa. Even in conversation (sometimes a chumra acc. to my posek. /always Halacha acc. to Igros Moshe)! So even my falls are restrained to virtualy nothing, compared to where I started from. Additionaly, the frequency of my falls ihas dimminished to being less often than the average bacchur's tayvos nashim, just that I slip with p---- and him with 'checking out' the rebbe's daughter (or wife-whoops did I say that).

*out of time, to be continued, on an ongoing basis*

Last Edit: 18 Feb 2010 17:05 by .

Re: Treatment options.... and recovery? 18 Feb 2010 06:38 #53994

123.trying.123
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Read your question...

I've been to OA meetings....

Here's what they say: Once an addict always an addict. Meaning that you gotta be aware that the causative factors are always present Being in a state of abstinence (even prolonged abstinence) just tells you that it is under control

I've heard quiet a few people get up and tell how they've had previous streaks of abstinence (sometimes for many years) that didn't last.

They blamed it on believing that the addiction was gone.... and thus being less on guard...

Your a good man, and you've accomplished quiet a bit (Yes, I've read through many of your posts/threads...) Don't let yourself fall....

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Re: Treatment options.... and recovery? 18 Feb 2010 06:47 #53995

shemirateinayim Current streak: 2 days OFFLINE Platinum Boarder Posts: 746 Karma: 0	That I agree with, in that I cannot ever allow myself to be miyacheid with unrestricted internet. I will definitely fall. But minus that nissayon, I am a changed person, with a totaly different life. see this http://www.guardureyes.com/GUE/RTwerski/Can'tStop.asp to see what I am talking about. I have already done that while enjoying my 7 month streak of being perfectly clean.
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Re: Treatment options.... and recovery? 18 Feb 2010 17:28 #54101

shemirateinayim
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Although it is somewhat repetative, here is the dialog from my thread on the wall of honor, It's best to keep discussions in one place:
sHeMiRaTeInAyIm wrote on 15 Feb 2010 21:38:

the old GYE site has a direct link to "am I an S-- addict" on the top of thr QandA page.

Honestly I get addicted to whatever technological thing I choose. I can hook myself on video games, and have all those addiction related problems, I can hook myself on TV to the extent that i almost starve! I never realy watched movies, but I am sure I would be able to do the same. Right now I am using GYE as my newfound addiction, to dull my mind to the TVs Movies, ____ acess, goyish library, anf more in the very room that I am using this terminal. it's all here, and a mere 35 second walk away. SO I this new addiction (blogging on gYE) is somewhat brought upon myself volentarily.

I am a born addict, in my matzav I was very succeptible to falling into any addiction, and was therefor very carefull to never touch ANY alcohol, pain killers, perscription drugs, over-the counter drugs, or anything else. But the YH succeded in getting me hooked on ____, and steared all my addiction prone triggers into it! So Thus, i am not so sure that p___ is my issue. it may simply be the dulling sensation that computers and TV provide.

What's your take on this. And seroisly speaking, my time on GYE has reached an addiction, and that's why I have posted to try stopping it, a few times.

sHeMiRaTeInAyIm wrote on 15 Feb 2010 21:48:

http://www.no-porn.com/test.html
from the facts page of guardureyes.com
There are all answered yes, in connection with my addiction to blogging on this forum (I don't blog ANYWHERE else). Now I also had this problem with P____ itself. Just that thses addictive behavures seem to have applied themselves to my blogging (I've been foolong around alot more than reading or giving chizuk)
When you have child care responsibilities, do you put a higher priority on masturbating or being sexual than you do on the welfare of the child(ren) in your care?

Does your blogging interfere with making zemanei hatefillah and learning your sedarim? [original question makes no sence in this context]

Does it seem as though there is another person or force inside of you that drives you to blogging?

Do you fail to meet commitments or fail to carry out responsibilities because of your involvement with blogging?

* wasn't trying to be comical this time. I am just trying to show how my addictive behavure gets me hooked an any electronic means of getting that 'dull' 'whitewashed' feeling.

sHeMiRaTeInAyIm wrote on 15 Feb 2010 21:55:

Being honest, I have tried to evaluate which parts of this questionare apply to where I am holding NOW. Based on my slips over the last few weeks. I will tryto censor them alittle.

Do you struggle to control or completely stop your thinking about or viewing p___? no more thinking issue at all B"H
Does it seem as though there is another person or force inside of you that drives you to p____? duh
Do you feel empty or shameful after viewing or HZ"L using p____?
Have you ever promised yourself that you would never again view p____?
Do you anxiously anticipate or fear trips out of town because of what you think you might do sexually while you're away? sadly so, B"H never did
Do you scan printed material (novels, newspapers, magazines) or change channels on the television set just to find something that will stimulate your tayvas nashim? doing so is a fall for me, but i still have to deal with that Y"H. I fell into it yesturday!

sHeMiRaTeInAyIm wrote on 15 Feb 2010 22:08:

I found this great article from R Twersky on http://www.guardureyes.com/GUE/RTwerski/Can'tStop.asp

.....Other than try to stop and pray etc, what has this young man done to make essential changes in his character? That’s where one should begin.

I attended an AA meeting where the speaker was celebrating his 20th year of sobriety. He began by saying, “The man I once was, drank. And the man I once was, will drink again” (but the man I am today, will not). Alcoholics who have not had a drink for many years but have not overhauled their character are “dry drunks” and will often drink again. The same is true for sexual addiction.

How does one become a different person? By working diligently on improving one’s character traits. Learning how to manage anger, to rid oneself of resentments, to overcome hate, to be humble, to be considerate of others, to be absolutely honest in all one’s affairs, to admit being wrong, to overcome envy, to be diligent and overcome procrastination. In short, one should take the Orchos Tzaddikim (I’m sure it’s available in English), and go down the list of character traits, strengthening the good one’s and trying to eliminate the bad ones. This does not happen quickly.

When one has transformed one’s character and has become a different person, one will find that this “new person” can accomplish things that the old person could not.

[/quote]

sHeMiRaTeInAyIm wrote on 17 Feb 2010 21:02:

From GuardurEyes.com

As far as your problem with going out. It actually seems that the pornography you once saw did not affect you deeply. The reason I say this is because the nature of the addiction causes most people to become very easily aroused and they become attracted to almost any woman. By viewing so much stimulation, the brain becomes wired to be triggered by the slightest stimulation. So B"H you didn't fall that far.

see here http://www.guardureyes.com/GUE/FAQ/FAQ30.asp

Mybe it's just my Y"H that leads me to searcj through all the GYE material, but I honestly think that my addiction has been reduced. What diferance does it make (Main Nafka Mina)? I will resume shidduchim. And joining a 12 step group will be out of the question.

sHeMiRaTeInAyIm wrote on 18 Feb 2010 16:56:

In my current situation, I have been able to see in exactly what areas of avodas hashem I have come a long way, and what is still a work in progress. Included in this ongoing nissayon, is my tayvas nashim. I see how often I slip, and in what ways, and how long it lasts. And the results, although they make me look bad on the charts, are complimentary. To be in my matzav, so far from the beis Hamedrash, and slip so very little. Very recently I have started going 'out of my keilim'!!! And I use GYE to dull my brain, and keep me from tearing my hair out!

By my old standards, including where I was holding last pesach, I should be surfing shmutz for hours on end! But reality is that I am falling mybe 5% of the time that I should be (by all previously guadged levels of addiction). And this reaslisation has brought me to make this cheshbon Hanefesh.

BTW, as they say 'once an addict always an addict'. So even an addict must get married at some point, albeit a relitively healthy one. And as long as I don't have unrestricted internet at home, I will not have an outlet to fall (z"l isn't so much an issue for me anymore). And I tell shadchanim (when they ask about Movies. NO TV,MOVIES, NOVELS, INTERNET,........if she works on it, WHITELIST+Reporting)

And I had these responses:
guardureyes wrote on 15 Feb 2010 23:08:

Wow, someone is actually going through every link on our f-----n site. Hey, when was the last time anyone ever did that?

_{---Moderated by imtrying25}

silentbattle wrote on 18 Feb 2010 16:29:

My personal opinion? Your desire to get back into shidduchim is not allowing you to be objective, and you're trying to find excuses. I know from my own experience that getting trying to get involved in shidduchim without being clean is NOT a good move.

OneLife wrote on 18 Feb 2010 12:48:

i don't think your addiction is reduced but could be controlled much better.

behazlacha!

Last Edit: 19 Feb 2010 05:17 by .

Re: Treatment options.... and recovery? 19 Feb 2010 20:14 #54408

shemirateinayim Current streak: 2 days OFFLINE Platinum Boarder Posts: 746 Karma: 0	Am I addicted to the whitewash effect of technology......... or specificly to p-----phy?
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Re: Treatment options.... and recovery? 20 Feb 2010 20:10 #54427

the.guard Current streak: 805 days OFFLINE Moderator Posts: 6438 Karma: 138	If you're not addicted, why don't you just stop completely?
	Webmaster of www.guardyoureyes.org - Maintaining Moral Purity in Today's World. We’re here on a quest ; it’s really all a test. Just do your best and G-d will do the rest. Last Edit: by .

Re: Treatment options.... and recovery? 21 Feb 2010 02:35 #54449

shemirateinayim
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That wasn't the question.

I know that in writting this I probbaly contadicted myself 4-5 times, and therefor I restated it in the last line. But let's clarify again:

1. I truly beleive that the level of my addiction has lessened, can it be, that It has lessened to the level of an average person's Yetzer Hara for nashim, and just that I subsitute what the average person will do, with P-- or hz"l?

2. I am starting to think that my addiction developed as a young child, 7yrs old or so, to TELEVISION. And later refocused to VIDEO GAMES when my parents got fed-up with my TV addiction and "cut" the cable (in the days before DirectTV/TiVO). And eventualy my addiction got steared to SA when I discovered p----. I then became s p--- Junkie, and desired the lust in addition to the "whitewash" feeling that TV-MOVIES-Video GAMES-Blogging all provide. But when my SA downgraded tremendiously all it left me is with my lifelong addiction to the "whitewash effect" on my brain. Is this true?

3. Why isn't anyone here giving a reply?

4.Mybe I should rewrite this, without so many contadictions, and providing a more complete story, and submit it to R Twersky?

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Re: Treatment options.... and recovery? 21 Feb 2010 07:19 #54490

123.trying.123 Current streak: 10 days OFFLINE Platinum Boarder Posts: 636 Karma: 0	Did not reply because I really don't know/ not qualified to answer.... Please don't get discouraged....
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Re: Treatment options.... and recovery? 22 Feb 2010 06:29 #54698

shemirateinayim

Dov wrote me in a PM
"As far as your question is concerned, as you asked for responses, I will share that I believe the only one who is qualified to determine whether you are powerless to beat this thing without serious assistance, is you. ......"

So basicly he's saying that If I don't think I am an addict, then there is nothing anyone can say to convince me.

My response: I know I'm addicted, but to the "whitewash". But if I am addicted, then I'm an addict. And everything that hold true about an addicts way of approaching things....is still there. When I am stressed-out, what will I do. GYE Blogging? But that in itself is an addicts response. As Tomim2b told me, I have to work on changing that response.

Here is a scarier question, so in a few weeks when I loose the computer, what will I do? mas----?? C"V I had better NOT!! But if I am still conditioned to need my 'fix' then I will do exactly that. GYE/Gmail is a great form of expressing my addictions, but I need to work on reducing them.

SO how about I set an online limit for myself tomorrow. 10 hours. No I am not kidding, with the sittuation I am in, that will require me to do something else for 4 whole hours!! No questions please, and especialy about learning. I am eating myself up over it all day, every day! Don't add to my agmas nefesh. (I normally learn from 7am to 130am...and now I can't learn even a few hours, you have no Idea how much it hurts!!)

Dov didn't tell me much, but instead he made me think this through as I was typing it. Wow he truly makes a good psycologist!

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Re: Treatment options.... and recovery? 24 Feb 2010 06:05 #55103

shemirateinayim
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Pure Geoinus from Tomim:

http://rehab-my-site.com/guardureyes/forum/index.php?topic=1857.0

He told it to me on Gmail, and he posted it hours later!!! This is what I need to do.

1. Find a "sister drug" for the interim (heroin/morphine)
2. 12 Steps
3. Reconditioning, so that I have a healthy way to deal with stress, ansger and every single feeling that leads me to "whitewash" myself. My addiction didn'tr begin with p--- it began with TV!!!! p-- was just a newfound way of expressing it once I lost my acess to TV. Now I must discover every single type of "trigger", and after 90 days, and ths succesfuly breaking the neurological patterns, I need to create a perminant cure. And this requires rebuilding a healthy approach to expressing my emotions. This is something I can not do, and do not have. Without it 90 days leave me as a "dry addict" waiting for the next urge to overcome him!

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Re: Treatment options.... and recovery? 24 Feb 2010 11:53 #55144

imtrying25 Current streak: 16 days OFFLINE Platinum Boarder Posts: 3010 Karma: 2	It is so very obvious that you have this tremendous drive to better yourself. Kol hakavod to you, SE. And keep it up. With attitude like this your really gonna get far!
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