Dear Fellow Addicts

I am venting now so I may say inappropriate things but please bear with me.

My addiction must stop. I am an addict and have given up denying it to myself, the pathways in my brain are entrenched and they will not disappear. Thank G-d, my conscience is having a difficult time accepting my addiction and for that reason I know I must stop. I will stop. I just don’t know what will make me stop and I do not want to reach rock bottom. That is too painful to think about. I am not married and have never had sex before. One of the problems for me is that I am addicted to a particular type of porn which is particularly repulsive, disgusting and damaging. I have had this struggle with myself since I was a young child when I saw this imagery on the television set. During my school years, I was repulsed by this attraction and was determined to root it out my life. I never did but I had the determination not to watch television programmes that depicted this type of imagery. Luckily for me, there was no internet for most of my school years so I was able to avoid those images very successfully even though I fantasized about them. I was so disturbed when I saw them that my determination not to look at them was mostly successful. Then came along the internet and as I always say in my letters to you, I “intentionally stumbled” on a rotten site. That night I could not sleep at all. It felt terrible. My conscience was hitting me hard, the site I had just seen killed my innocence like nothing else. It was like a nuclear bomb of lust that had just infected my system (The Iranians do not need a bomb to destroy us - all they need are the Moabite girls and computers!). I had a propensity for this addiction and this just shut the nail in the coffin. That year, the feelings of disgust and repulsion deterred me from looking at those sites and I “only” fell three times that year. Then I remained clean for about two years after that!

However, after that abstention I fell into the trap again but this time I could not get out and I feel I cannot get out. My brother in law started a business on our property and that gave me internet access for about a year. I messed around on U-tube and downloaded movies that depicted my fantasies. No innocent ben-Torah should look at images like that. I am not a talmid chacham but am shomrei Torah etc. I looked at u-tube so often and other blatantly repulsive sites. I wish I did not. But I did and I cannot change the past. I was reading a dvar Torah of Rav Nevenzhal on Parashat Vayechi where he goes through a whole pilpul on the ‘sin’ of Re’uvein. The gemara says ‘Kol ha’omeir Re’uvein chata eiyna ela to’eh’. Jacob had just rebuked him for ‘moving his father’s bed’. Anyways, he asks after the pipul why we are trying to defend Re’uven, just say that he sinned and he did teshuva! Why go through all these ‘artificial’ answers in order to exonerate him? The answer is that Teshuva is not a simple matter. On the one had there is the easy teshuva - ‘it is not in heaven’. One cannot say that I could not do teshuva because it is one’s capabilities to do so. However, teshuva can also be compared to Jacob’s ladder – “the ladder was stationed in the ground but its head reached the heavens.” Firstly, the sin that we are addicted to is so strong that it seems to me that I have not even touched the first rung of the ladder and I need to climb all the way to the top! Even if I do reach the top (with Hashem’s help) it only takes two seconds to fall. The damage is done and I feel that I must do damage control as I can never eliminate the damage entirely.

My brothers, I am a piece of damaged goods. I need to get out of this rut and so do you because if we do not we only have doom and gloom to look forward to! I do not have access to the internet at home as I have withheld myself from persuading my mother to subscribe to the “service”. I am also having trouble at university. I am doing a doctorate (yes we make crazy decisions) and there is a phd room but sometimes I am alone in the phd room and I look at repulsive pictures that may not be hard porn but are still damaging and they also depict my fantasy. I was always fearful of the university authorities but my addiction is driving me to do things regardless of their potential consequences.

Sometimes I go to the video shop to look for my fantasies there and sometimes I find them and sometimes I do not. If I find them, I watch them then feel sick. If I do not find them, then I walk out without renting a dvd. How silly can a person be? The video shop (not an adult one but just a normal one) is to me what the alcohol store is to the alcoholic. I do not possess porn magazines or videos and the worst that I have done is on the internet and the video shop. That is bad enough! Reb GUE and Elya K, I need help! (I am at GMT + 2 maybe I can make an appointment with you before I receive the Torah on Thursday night?). I have recently met an accountability partner on our forum, his name is Emes. I do not know what will come of it but at the moment, I cannot see out the gutter. “I want to break free, G-d knows I want to break free” but He also knows how difficult it is to do so.

I typed this letter after a fall and in order to avoid the dvd rental shop and another fall. I think I was partially successful in my quest but I am starting to doubt that already. I feel better but that is slowly changing. It is my sincere hope that that this will be my rock bottom but as I am typing this, my rock bottom is getting deeper and deeper into that gutter!




     
                                     

I can feel a very holy soul crying out from a pit of darkness. If only you would know how much Hashem loves you, and how much he meant this struggle for your own good!

Please see this post on the forum.

Bs"d

Dear Ilan,

I felt very moved by your post. I bless you with strength and faith in yourself, even more than you have already shown so far. I hear the pain, and i can feel your struggles, but i also also see an amazing willpower, strength and success in your story. Please continue to build on those positive aspects, with HaShem's help!

Ilan,

You are NOT a piece of damaged good. You posssess a heilige neshama, a TRUE nefesh Eloka Mimaal, a soul that is part of G-D above. Even if for some reason (yes, we make crazy decisions  ) you feel like this, perhaps it is better not put it in writing.

If I could humbly share the following (even if it does not make sense), as this has worked for me:
If I were in your situation (and I recently was) I would, for the next couple of weeks, forget about the computer problem. Instead,  I would just focus on my shemiras einayim in the street. By this, I mean being DEAD SERIOUS about not looking, with the exception of first blood relatives at ANY and ALL women in the street. Without going crazy (hey, if someone crosses in front of me that's how it goes, but  I avert my eyes from her face and body), do not look and turn away from any femenine creatures. This includes any "parve" magazines, any and all movies, TV, news anchors, newspapers, Yahoo's homepage), store clerks. If I were in a college your situation (as I think you are)  is indeed difficult but not impossible if I really wanted and exerted myself.
I  spoke once with Elya and his advise was priceless. I would strongly suggest that you speak to him, as you said, before Shavuos.
With best wishes for a kabalas haTorah beSimcha u'BePnymius.
YosefYakov
WE ARE WITH YOU

Thank you Yosef Yaakov.

I appreciate the time you devoted to me in typing your reply. It feels good to know that someone cares. I will try and keep away from movies and television but as you know it is quite difficult especially since I am a ba'al teshuva and there is a tv where I stay. Also when I go out with my friends, sometimes we go to movies. Giving up movies entirely does mean that my social life will be diminished quite significantly. My friends are shomrei shabbos and some were with me in Yeshiva.

I messed up on Sunday quite badly but was ok yesterday and hopefully I will be ok today. I have described to Emes the way I want him to make me accountable. I need to justify the circumstances I have created for myself, was I alone? Did I have unlimited internet access? etc. Please G-d I will not fall soon. Although I do look forward to doing it again (as most addicts do, which is a feeling I wish I did not have) I will try my very best to ensure it does not happen. Hopefully ever again (but I doubt that!) 

Dear YosefYakov, thanks for giving Ilan advice, I just want to understand better what you mean "forget about the computer problem" and guard the eyes on the street. I'm not sure I understand what you're saying. Can you just clarify a drop? Thanks so much  ;D

Just to weigh in, I understand YosefYakov to be advising Ilan to work on Shmiras Einayim in other areas, and that doing so will carry over to when he is on the computer.

Kedusha, thanks for your post. What you wrote is indeed what I meant.

Yes, I see now. After I saw YosefYakov's other post (which was so nice that it ended up in today's Chizuk e-mail - #488) I figured that must have been what he meant here as well :-)

Thanks!

YY has the correct attitude .It is hard but correct.I know because it is the only thing that works for me.
No looking no seeing no peeking no browsing no stumbleupon no random searches no you-tube.realyy for me TOTAL shemiras eynayim is the key.It enhances you clarity of thinking your sense of purpose.I feel so much more in control not robotic.
YY quotes


It is 100% true when you start being in control you become extremely concious of how the Y"H is able to FAR-FEER (Maky you stumble)

YY you are a gaon and aTzaddik keep on keeping us all strong.

h&h bardichev

I can only speak for myself , but I tried everything there was I always always fell again if not in a month a month after that a year afterwards ... finally when I was married,, it never ends.
The only thing in my opinion which truly helps is how its defined in chasidus the difference between taking away the symptom and then dealing with the disease.
1) make a list of bottom line behavior you will never do again speak to a sponsor a mentor whatever and recognize you cannot do it alone you need Hashem to be with you!!!
2) recognize what triggers you stay far from that to your sanity is more important than your social life trust me!!!
3) Start dealing with the feelings and issues that put you into this place doing the 12 steps is working for me This is dealing with the disease itself!!!
4) Try to go to a slaa meeting if you can if not KEEEP POSTING escpecially when your not feeling in the mood and BEFORE  you behave negatively ...
There are many tools out there use them all of them!
When you reach rock bottom which I believe you have you will realize NOTHING  is more important than your sanity and peace of mind you will be willing to do ANYTHING to get it to stop....
I am saying tehillim FOR YOU ME AND ALL OF US for a refuah shleimah.
Feel free to contact me directly.
Nosson