after two weeks clean, i fell and cannot do more than 4 days clean. i don't know what to do! i feel that all the stuff on gye was useful for the first time i  read it but it has no more impact on me  now.
i am alone and feel very,  very depressed! my only will is to learn torah bikdushah vetaharah.i don t even know if i am allowed to learn : אמר אלקים מה לך לספר חקי. i ve heard on this very posuk that  whoever learns while being oiver aveiros is mosif koah besitro ah'ro and his torah is a proper סם המות which entails more and more aveiros!
mimamkim kerosikho H!
PLEASE HELP ME!!!!!!!

You are not a rasha. You are just sick. Addiction is an illness of the mind, emotion and neshama. Please read the handbooks that I linked to you in the first post. Without those yediyos and yesodos, Torah won't be able to help you very much.

BUT I READ THEM ALL  MANY TIMES AND  STILL EVERY DAY!!!!!!

MASTER OF THE WORLD!!! help my precious friend to realize that he is loved. that You love him. You, the king of kings, master of the world!!!! Ruler of everything, creator , sustainer, maintainer.....

there is a yerushalmi in which it is asked

ma hu dino of a nefesh ha'chatas.......
amar ha'bria - Hevi chatas
amar ha'torah - yavi korban
amar ha' navi -  hanefesh hachatas tamus.......

amar hakadosh baruch hu - YAASEH TESHUVA

stira no? H' created the bria, H' created the torah, H' gave the nevua?

The message of the yerushalmi is simply that H' wants us to return. that is the whole pshat in krobanos, that is the whole pshat in misa, that is the whole pshat in life. yaaseh teshuva. understand that all H' wants from you is to try your hardest and kill that nefesh ha'cahtas. its not you, its something else inside of you. you are elokei neshama. you are emes, deep, true, real,...... a YID!!

understand who sinned, who wants to make you think you are evil and who wants you to stop your learning, davening, hasmada and tikun olam. THE NEFESH HACHATAS.. whats his din? TAMUS kill him. eradicate him. run to H" and tell H' you realize that you fell. but that wasn't the REAL YOU. you are you. not the sinning soul. understand who you really are, and you will know what to do.

master of the world, help tshuvayid to find his way..... master of hte world show tshuva yid his true self and allow him to pray....

(sorry if misquoted. i can get you the real quote if you want. heard this from R. moshe solevetchik)

holy brother. not only can you learn but you must learn. the words of torah do not become tamai. instead of just reading the hand books think about what actions you could take based on them.

The Steipler in his letters dealing with masturbating deals with the above issue.  He makes it very clear that this kind of thinking is wrong. you are not only allowed to learn but just as obligated as beforehand.  (and yes he addresses the kabalistic argument you presented) . if you have time, you should look up those letters and don't let the yetzer hara rob you of more mitzvos.

Ykv aswered you 100%


But from a different derech, so what do you say about every effort of kiruv rechokim ever done.  Meh lecha lesaper chuki??

If you see fry yidden tasting the mesikus of a blatt gemara, you will be discusted by the desecration of the torah??? NO you cry tears of joy, that these presious neshamos will have what to say-over at the GREAT FAHER after 120.  You cry tears of joy that the beuty of the torah will bringg them to keep every last mitzvah!!

WHy should someone with such a cheishek be any different.  Send me a PM and mybe we can set-up a chavrusah shaft. pls I need it more than you do!

Although i usually steer clear of these types of things on the forum ill tell you this.

Look up the Bais Halevis introduction in his sefer. He writes there, that we need to keep on doing mitzvos even during the times that we are doing aveiros. He writes that although we dont get schar for them now, but once we do teshuva we will get schafr then for all the mitzvos we had done during our times of sinning. He says therefore we need to do mitzvos even during these times. Go ahead and look it up for yourself. Its very revealing!

R' Dessler explains that it's not good to be involved in torah when we're not worthy of it - but it's far worse to not be involved in torah! We have no choice! To get to where we need to get to, we need to learn and do miztvos and feel good about ourselves.

But recovery comes first. Please post more, if you can. Talk out what your challenges are, when they usually happen - when do you feel the urge? Discuss different options for improving, and tell us what happens when you try them. Being part of a discussion about what you're doing, hearing people's encouragement, helps tremendously.