Aaron:  My sincere apologies for missing your loving acknowledgment of a loving G-d from your original post.  (Your quote from original post, below.)

Oversights like that (Freudian slips, if you're into that kind of thing) are usually a good reason for me to take a minute and think about how I might have overlooked something so positive.  Such as, "how am I feeling about Hashem right NOW?"  Hmmnn...

So, in short, I blew it and was harsh with you for no reason.  I'll try to avoid a repeat performance.

aaron wrote on 01 Feb 2010 06:10:

imtrying25 wrote on 02 Feb 2010 12:12:


Yup...sure you don't... :D :D :D

Briut - I love your honesty, and how introspective you are.

Ok, I just fell. I'm sitting here typing on the computer. as i take a deep breath, I can feel my whole body more relaxed, knowing that I'll be free at least for a little bit.

But now What?...I'm not quite sure what to say. I want to be strong. I want serve the Master of the World, but I just....

No, No No No No No No.. Stop who is this one tlaking right now. who is this put ting in my head that I am a failure?

Is it true? who am I....... What can I become? where does my potential lie?

this is my weakness and my greatest potential strength. waht have I to fear but the fear itself? H' is on my team, who else is rooting for me even in my darkest moments? who elsecheers me on and wants to give me the most real and lasting pleasure besides H'?

Master of the world, tate zise helige tate!!!!!

I can't live withiout the light of your schena!!! master of the world master of the world! I wanted to keep the holy shvua you allowed me to make. i wanted to keep your holy words that you allowed me to utter. but i didn't. I chose not to.

BUT DON'T FORGET - the truth is that after an aveira, I must view it as H's will. so i learned that this is the basic charact eristic of emunah. there is no reason to beat myself up again. i've done it too many t imes. i know its wrong already. i know i have to improve. i want to call all out to my master in pain. but i feel that if i do so, it will only lead me to depression.

Sadly, I feel that anyone can cry, but only the strong can smile. there is so much to cry about. obviously, there is so much more to smile about, but for some reason we take comfort in our suffering, and don't realize the potential we have for happiness.

I choose to be happy. I choose .........I choose to see the good in the world. That i can type right now, breathe in deep, while singing my words I can choose to see a screen and laugh at my fall. I can laguh at how crazy it is that I can fall and still be one of H's chosen children. How eternal is love. How ludicris is despair. I mamish have a stadium c heering for me right now.

GET UP AND CHANGE THE WORLD LIKE YOU  ARE DESTINED TO.
never give up. If you can break, then you can fix. if you can cry you can sing and if you can fall you can rise. what goes down, I MUST make go up. what crashes, I must rebuild. Nothing is lost but my minutes  of the past.

Granted I have fallen, I know it hurts, but the master of the world doesn't desire my crying. he doesn't desire my tears of saddness.  tears of joy, success, happiness, truth ,emes, love, peace , inner satisfaction, understanding,depth, realization, heart-pumping, life-altering, reuniting falls are exaclty what was desired . I cry out, in my carlebach cry  MASTER OF THE WORLD  master of the world. if I could realize you are my father, uncondtitionally loving father, if I could only begin to live constantly with you. if I coudld taste the depth of a single mitzvah once more and breathe deeply and contently as I know I should - I would be complete.

SO now waht?

I DANCE!!!

yigdale shribe shaabas......yigdalei shribe shabaas................ umm bam abam bam baum ....di, da, do da.....dim ba di dada,dda dam budidam bim bam...............

And I'm back!!! happier than ever

H' is incredible. within just 24 hours my day was flipped on its head. what am i saying 24, more like 6!

within minutes i had my entire day transformed. I just found myself into the most incredible kiruv opportunity, in e'y in the most select program!!!!!

THere is one master of the world, who puts you in lows to see how you will react, to  test your emunah, trying to prove to the tested himself who he really is!!!

Even though I may have failed, next time I know that I must dive directly into simcha. no more "now what"... it is obvious

FIX THE WORLD!!!! how? BESIMCHA!!!!! just one person at a time, one smile at a time - starting with myself. ;D

As we here love to say:

"Hashem Ozer 24/7"

Cool


Well, you can always fill the shoes of R Noaqch Zt"l.....you just need to have his hasmadah!!  No wimp of a learner can ever amount to what he was in kiruv, his torah gave him what he had! Just remember that 7 Yipol Tzaddik Vekam Lo. R Noach founded 2? yeshivos for BTs, and both flopped (or the 2nd one became Or Sameich, and only the first flopepd).  But what makes you a tzaddik is that you get-up after a fall, and keep up the pace (R hutner).

Aaron your Brenn!!
Your Fire!!
GEVALDIGGGGG!!!

Keep it up!!!

No matter what!!!
 

Now your on the right track!  Just like people in our shoes, can't tolerate too much lust...if any, so too pain, and crying. We pashut can't tolerate it. It's good to cry for a few minutes, but if it will lead us to a nose dive that we can't get out of, then it becomes the most detremental thing in the world, as it WILL lead to acting out.

"Feel pain, and cry out for what you have done, this is the frum way", (this is the Y"H's way, and not the "frum" way).

Be B'simcha, this will cause the Y"H to get out of the way., so we must do this every day!  :D

Only for someone in control, can they be broken hearted for a short period, and then get out of it.

LIfe is soo soo so special. So deep so exaulted. right now, i have absolute clarity  thtat H' runs the whole world. He gives me everything, cares for me, provides for me, in the most precise amount possible. as we say as shabbas draws near to an end, mizmor ledavid H' roi lo echsar...there could be nothing more true than this. THe whole world was created for me benefit. everyone and everything H' created just for me. there is no reason for sadness no reason for despair except feeling far from H'. but in truth, even feeling far from H' is foolishness, because he is so close to you constantly that any feeling of distances is really just the y'h blinding youfrom obvious truth. Picture har sinai. H' came down, and spoke to bnei. amidst all the lightning and thunder smoke and fire, it was clear who H' was. so powerful, so infinite. what happened at har sinai was that we were allowed to see both sights and sound. but what is the reason why H' had us see sight and sound. if he wanted to really impress us, just show us that we can see sound and it should have been enough, no? so why did he show us the lightning, and fire as well? to show us that every single thing in life is actually as amazing and as large a miricle as was see sound. seeing in general is on the same plane. this is pshat in the extra word "lemor" right beforemattan torah - H' was telling bnei to pass on the experience of Har sinai to future genrations, tell those who hadn't directly experienced it what it was and pass on the revelation. this shabbas, i have experienced revelation - a mini har sinai. often in life, H' gives us mini har sinai experiences, moments of inspiriation, of joy, of saddness, of realization of the facts and truths of life. its value, its depth, its holiness and its potential. shabbas is the most obvious experience of har sinai.

(even though others may not always recognize these obvious truths, creating for themselves fake and shallow relationships with H', this is only paint but dep down everyone wants

I have rebbeim, friends and family that are all there for me, cheering me along my way, helping me reach perfectin and ultamite happiness. no matter what happens, how hard life gets, how sad things seem to be ( no matter WHAT) and how far you feel from H' - know: H' loves me. He created, creates and will create(techiat hametim) the world for me always . take a deep breath, and realize how amazing life is, was and will always be.

I love you Hashem!

Aaron:  I am SOOOO happy for you and the joy you've been finding.  There's so much avodah for each of to do, and sometimes it seems like there's SOOOOO little simcha with which to do it. Whatever torahdike simcha is there in your life ... keep it up!

I'm curious about one piece you may have mastered better than I have. Namely, how to apply that simcha to ALL corners of life, not just the high holy moments.  To a workday, to cooking dinner, to an argument with a friend of relative. 

For me, it's the ability to "GROUND" the simcha into something more mundane and more tangible that's the real test of my simcha.  What's your secret?

I think the first step in simcha is trying to realize every single thing taking place in this moment. The mere exercise of realizing the givens of working ( involving having a body which is functional that allows me to work, opportunity, an employer, a paycheck ...), of cooking dinner (smelling, stirring, tasting,seeing,moving,getting full, having food, having running water and a pot and a stove and...) and an argument with a friend (having the ability to speak, to think, to communicate, to breathe, to relax, having a friend, having a relative, having an opinion...) are the most obvious keys to simcha. Most amazingly, we are not deserving of any of them! each is a present in its own right! not just any present, but a present from a king- the KING OF KINGS! Being given not with disgust, throwing it over his shoulder, but being given with absolute unconditional love!

Realizing lo nivra ha'olam elah bishvili - H' created the entire world just for me to enjoy - me and me alone, is the deepest, most amazing feeling to realize.

every single thing in this world--, all roads, the buildings, the jobs, the currency, the cars, the plants, animals, and people-- were created solely for my pleasure!

(do not be confusing in thinking that this is absolute hedonism, but rather the most basic foundation of gratitude. I realize that I am nothing but walking dust, while simultaneously being undeservingly blessed with the most exquisite pleasures imaginable).

Ma rabu maasecha H' - kulam bechochma asita!

Very, very true...and that's something that's always accessible, too, even in the moments of boredom, temptation, whatever...

Fantastic! keep on rocking!

Beautiful and beautifully said.  I think your hidden tzaddik must be ready to come out here.  Get ready, world.

Aaron,

Your neshama is from a lofty place. I'm glad I read your posts here!

You have come a long way in a short time. keep on trucking as long as you note you will make it.