THE REAL ME

I've had it with falling. I'm getting serious now. I will not let anything get in my way. Not my yeher hara for arayos, depression or anything else. I have the potential for greatness! H' has blessed me with more than I could ever desire. He has absolute love for me. I don't care that I just experienced a horrible fall and broke my shvua. I will not be controlled by my Y"h for depression. As I was slipping I had a great shmonei esrei, crying and everything, which ended up making me all the more worse off, leading to an actual deep fall. I am here to change myself, my community and the world at large, simply one day at a time, one smile at a time.

I am put in this world for the ultimate pleasure and I'm not going to let some petty, deceiving, sly, mamzer, shagetz snake of a y'h  take any of it away from me.

GET OUT!!! GET OUT OF ME!!!! I'LL SLIT YOUR THROAT AND SPILL YOUR BLOOD ON THE FLOOR!!!!

I'M IN CONTROL!!! Any time I find myself getting weak, I want to realize the tremendous signs I'm getting at that moment to stop. I want to stop living in the past and start living in the present. There is so much pleasure in my life. I'm not alone. No one ever is. I am always loved by my creator, no matter how far I fall and I'll always get back up no matter how bad the trip. I am a Jew, decendant of the holiest people on earth. My blood is the blood descending from a people who gave millions of their lives to promote the name of G-d in the world!! I am in control and I could care less what he this idiot has to say about it!

Dear Aaron,

My heart cries for you, because we all know your pain. But your post sounds "eerily" like the letter that every single one of us writes to ourselves after our last fall.

:'( :'( :'(

My dear yid, please read the handbooks and follow the tools therein.

Will-power is not very effective in dealing with addictions.

First of all, I'm glad that you're focusing on moving forward, rather than being depressed!

Agreed...there were plenty of times when i wanted to stop, but it was only once my rebbe found out that I got the push to do it in a serious way - and only through the help of others am I able to have a chance of continuing.

Feeling like we can be in control - face the nisayon and be OK...well, it doesn't work. Many have tried (see the gemara in kiddushin), our only chance is to avoid it, and realize that our control just isn't enough.

Keep on posting, and let's work on staying clean together!

If you like, I have about 20 days till my 90 - would you like to count along with me, that way by the time I get to 90, you'll have a solid start of 20 days?

I think I see a very pained and very genuine attempt to do better.  Cool. Better is always possible.  Perfect might not be. But a series of betters might bring you closer to perfection than you know.

Guard is right, of course.  Willpower ain't everything.

Don't mean to "hit below the belt," but I'm wondering:
Did you notice that your only mention of G-d was with regard to the 6 million etc?  I'm not sure that's the "G-d" I would want to give myself up to. Maybe there's another One? I'm not sure, but I think that talking to the real One might be one of those 12 steps that Guard mentioned. I'm sure you know this, but it might be worth another look how you don't mention His name so much when you hit this bottom of pain.

I peeked at your earlier posts and saw that you've been working on yourself.  Sh'koiach. You are a true gibbur to keep working despite your pain.  I'll leave it to those more experienced here to suggest how.

Hey Aaron.
I don't have much to add to what was already posted here.
Want to let you know that I hear you.
And we're all here for you.
We're all working on moving forward together.
Let's do it!

Instructions for living

life is so sweet. life is so holy. every second is an opportunity. every minute a chance at achieving greatness. never be discoraged. all you can expect from yourself is your potential. try and reach that. if that you can reach, you will have become  great in H's eyes. recognize who you are and what you can become. never get down on yourself. that is the strategy of the y'h. he is most cunning and deceiving. don't let him trick you. there is one G-d in the world who is so deep so hidden and yet so revealed. nothing could be a greater joy than to do his will. truly pure bliss is found by keeping torah and mitzvos, learning torah and achieving divine greatness. this was our purpose in being created. daven with kavanah and you will be answered. learn with hasmada and you will become learned. smile onto everyone and you will be happy. know whom before you stand and you can achieve perfection.

I love you. that is why I telly ou all of this. no greater joy in life than recognizing that we are blessed with life ( present and eternal)!

soak every minute up. realize that your toil is not for naught. remember how important your struggle really is. you need this struglle. use it in becoming a better eved H'. Master it in order to teach am yisroel. learn to understand yourself in order to be metaken the olam!

I love Hashem for he is my creator. I love Hashem for he exists. Just look around, no matter how miserable you feel, and laugh laugh at how incredible the world is, how ludicris and blind its inhabitants are. Recognize you are different, perceive the world with an honest eye  and correct your vision!! no greater joy in the world than recognizing the true greatness of your surroundings.

Thank you so much for your time, love yourself,
                      Aaron

HEILIGEH AHARON!!

I AM CRYING TEARS FOR U!!

CRYING IAM SOO TOUCHED BY YOUR SINCERE QUEST TO RIDD YOURSELF OF THE

FARSHTUNKENNE Y"H!!

AHARON I HAVE SEEN  MANY MIRACLES IN GUE

TODAY AS I WAS REDING YOUR THREAD ON MY BLACKBERRY

THE SONG ON MY JEWISH RADIO

WAS..

THE LAST TEFILLAH OF SHIMSHON HAGIBBOR

ZACHRAINI NAH UPUKDAINI NAH

HASHEM REMEBER ME AND LISTEN TO MY TEFILLAH PLEASE

"ACH HAPAAMM HAZAH"

JUST THIS ONE TIME"!!!!

VE-INAKMAH

AND I WILL REVENGE

ACHAS MISHTAEI EINAI

ONE OF MY TWO EYE

MEIPLISHTIM

FROM THE PLISHTIM


AARON I CRANKED THE MUSIC FULL  BLAST IN MY TRUCK!! (EMES)

AND I DAVENED FOR YOU FOR ME FOR ALL OF THE CHEVRA HERE

HASHEM

ACHA HAPAMM HAZFH

JUST ONE MORE TIME

PLEASE HASHEM

I NEED TO REVENGE

MY EYES

THE PLISHTIM

POKED OUT THE EYES

OFBOCHRIM YUNGERLITE

BOYS GIRLS

RABBES TEACHERS MORAHS MASHGICHIM

EVERYONE

WE ARE WALKING IN SEDOM AVD AMORRA

THIS DOR IS "NUKED" BY FILTH

THE FARSHTUNKENNER IPOD THE FILTHY INTERNET

(SORRY AL GORE THE NIFORMATION SUPER HI WAY ALL YOU LOSER ITS THE P*rno HIWAY)

THE RADIO THE PAPERS THE LACK OF TZNIUS!!!!! UCHHHHHH


HASHEM MY EYES ARE POKED OUT!!!!

VI-INAKMMAH!!!!

I WILL REVENGE

I WILL FIGHT I WILL PULL DOWN THE PILLARS

ON THE INTERNET

I WILL FLUSH MY IPOD IN THE TOILET

HASHEM GIVE ME A FIGHTING CHANCE



AARON!!!! GEVALDIGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

WE ARE HERE FOR U!!!

CHAZAK VE-EMATZ

TAKE YOUR

KINNAS HASHEM

AND

HIT EM BETWEEN THE EYES

GEVALDIGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

POST US ALL DAY

PM US

WE ARE HERE FOR U!!

bardichev

Briut wrote on 01 Feb 2010 13:22:


Briut - actually, he mentioned Hashem other times as well -
aaron wrote on 01 Feb 2010 06:10:


Also, I think we might need an airstrike by Dov here...when we find ourselves equating a shemonah esrei during which we slip as a "great one," because of how emotional we feel, we need to very carefully examine our feelings...

Achh hapaam hazeh!!

Keep on truckin!!

were here for you!!!  If it helps, I can tell you read the attitude handbook.  Keep on trucking!

Hey aaron. how you be?? everything has been said but just wanted to stop by and let you know that we are here for you.

Oh and btw SB, was that the first time you ever "quoted" something?? Mazel tov!   :D  ;D

Thanks so much for the great support !! I really appreciate it. hope no one minds me using the forum kind of as a public diary of sorts. just kind of spewing feelings and the like. really appreciate the tephilla and the caps-locked response bardichev. your the man. saving some thoghts for the following 88 days to come... hope to see you all reading.


Just to clarify, I'm not trying to look for kavod or build gaiva (especially since this whole thing is anonymous)

just looking to change one reader at a time(specifically myself), and improve the world through him

(isn't that what we are all really trying to do?)

No one minds you writing your diary. Isnt that what this is all meat for. A place people can express themselves freely??

imtrying25 wrote on 01 Feb 2010 21:05:

:

Maybe you need to read more of my posts...or stop eating that "special" potato kugel, so you can focus better :D :D

Aaron - not about gaivah, it IS about realizing that you can do this, and getting the encouragement that you need, and deserve - and realizing that you're not alone.

And also, by sharing your struggles, successes, and lessons learned, helping all of us out, as well!

Ditto on SB!! You never know who is reaping the benefits of reading your posts!! Keep em up!!

And SB, i dont know what your talking about!