So I got married in the last few months, and thankfully doing very well in this area. Thanks to people here for support in the hard times.

I spent this past shabbos at my parents home.
While there I discovered that my father looks at many disgusting things he shouldnt be looking at online. If my mother knew she would probably divorce him (there are also kids at home). I have no clue what to do now. Tell my mother? Confront my father? Tell someone else? No option looks like the right one...please help me!

Eme,

Mazal Tov on your marriage!

Please tread carefully, especially if your siblings are not yet at risk.  For starters, maybe you can forward your father a Chizuk e-mail from an anonymous address.  If he wants help, this might get him started in the right direction, b'Ezras Hashem.

Don't confront him, and you can't tell your mother unless there is NO OTHER option-among other requirements (see Chofetz chaim).

First be sure, that it is him, and not someone else using the computer. And if he has a rav, whom he will take hadracha from, and that rav knows what to do about Internet Addiction, tell him.

BTW, if you wana test the rav, call anonymously posing the actual question, and just ask what the rav will do about it. If you are able to, try identifying the 'person in question' as someone from a different shul- but who highly respects that rav.

mybe set the website as the homepage, when no-one else is capable of seing it.

Mybe tell your parents, that you heard a shiur from R Viener, and tell them how you are so scared that mybe C"V a sibling may me exposed ...."and it's so easy to get hooked".

or mybe someone else has a better idea, or another one?

http://www.torahanytime.com/scripts/media.php?file=media/Rabbi/Yossi_Viener/2009-07-30/Tisha_BAv_Our_Responsibility_Toward_Others/Rabbi__Yosef_Veiner__Tisha_BAv_Our_Responsibility_Toward_Others__2009-07-30.wmv

http://www.torahanytime.com/scripts/media.php?file=media/Rabbi/Yossi_Viener/2009-02-24/Parenting_in_Challenging_Times/Rabbi__Yosef_Veiner__Parenting_in_Challenging_Times__2009-02-24.wmv

Go to the SLAA or SA website and download some of the pamphlets they have for beginners and
"casually leave" them in your parents house by the computer.  Have a list of meetings or a phone
number handy.  There may come a time when you will have to confront your father but I promise
you when he gets help he will thank you forever.

Elya

If you can get a rav or someone similar involved, that would be ideal. Might be embarrassing for your father, but he'll thank you in the end (even if he doesn't know who "you" are).

Otherwise? yeah, bringing up the idea of a filter, or something like that, might be good - you can mention that you're planning on getting one, or discuss the one you already have...see what kinda discussion it brings up. Then mention this website, maybe?

Whatever happens, daven.

Good luck! You are clearly a holy warrior, trying your best to do what's right. And that alone should make you smile.

Sadly, I've known several people in this type of situation, But I can tell you what I've heard from advice given to them.

First, remember 3 things
1 There's no difference between your father being addicted, and anyone else being addicted. DOnt take it to mena anything agains thim as a person
2 Whatever you have to do, you're not hurting him, youre helping him. Or you wouldnt even be trying
3 Just the same, he is still your father, kibud av still applies.

Aside form the wonderful advice given, talk about the issue like you are worries for yourself, or for siblings. Suggest that he try various safeguards just to serve as an example so everyone else can do so without feeling emabarassed, while in reality you're enabling him to present an excuse to do this.

The biggest problem you may face, when suggesting a filter for 'da kinder', is if he is so protective of his porn to refuse it. Sadly you may get such a response. So maybe bring your mother into that conversation  also, so that she can push it. Oh and since your father will obviosly be the one to install it, and keep the password. Volenteer to install it yourself, and tell your parents the password. wait a week, and then change it...;. thus locking your father out!  :o and he will have a hard time asking for it, without looking 'ummm guilty'. For an excuse, you can always say you head 'another' shiur from R Veiner, about giving the password to a rav, and how there is still an issur yichud, if you know it.  mybe that will work.    "Hi R veiner, this is Mr _____, can I get that password.....why? oh ummmm no reson in particlular, just I .....ummmm" yeh

Your dilemma is real and your desires to make things better are well-placed.  I should just leave it at that.  But... Okay, here is where I decide to put something out there that will probably have a dozen posters jumping all over me within a day. So even if I'm wrong, here's at least another perspective FYI.

1.  Don't EVER assume you understand the inside of anyone else's marriage.  You suggest your mother would be shocked, but you could be wrong.  (After all, if it was so easy for you to find.... And you only had the PC to look at; she's been sleeping with the dude and might have some other clues.)  What she chooses to do with that info is probably not for her son to know. 

2.  Getting into the inside of your PARENT's marriage, specifically, is rarely a good idea.  Confronting one parent (the "innocent" one OR the "offending" one) about the activities of the other just doesn't seem like the kovodike thing to do.  I think you've chosen to stay away from this, but I want to put in my own strong vote for not being the one to rock any boats.  (If you think your siblings are at risk of terrible injury, you've got a different cheshbon going.)

3.  As the others said, some subtle efforts to get a filter put on might be helpful.  In fact, even if the suggestions are vetoed by abba, that might help imma wake up just a little more.

4.  Here's where the flamemail will start (sorry Elya), but I'm not so positive that your leaving GYE URLs near the computer are any less of a nisayon to your siblings compared to putting out URLs to actual shmutz.  If they're not involved, I see little point in leaving that within their field of vision.  If you want your parents to see them, I like the suggestions made of using anonymous email accounts or their Rav or whatever.

5.  As much as I like the thought of saying, "wow, I heard in this great shiur that Rav XX says filters are essential," I can tell you that if my own kid came home with that I'd be a little upset that he's being so meshugene frum and one-upping his parents in frumkeit.  Sorta like telling a parent that a particular kashrus kechsher is treif.  Even if the info is true, I tend to resist when the source is my own kid.

6.  If you listen to a word I've just mentioned before waiting for the opposing viewpoints, you're a fool....

(Has it crossed your mind to just install a K9 filter on your own, show your parents how easy it is and how much your Rav suggested it be on EVERY computer around you including even when you visit your parents?  [They DO want their son to visit, and to feel comfortable, right?] You could of course offer to UN-install it, but how could abba request THAT with a straight face! The suggestion earlier of setting the password, giving it to them [so they can protect the other siblings -- of course] and then just changing the password the following week... BRILLIANT!)

Over the past few months I've discovered the very same about my father's internet habits and I also had the same questions as you do. If you'd like, you can contact me on Gmail and we can chat about this. My e-mail address is Tomim2B@gmail.com.

Boruch Hashem I got excellent guidance and things really took a turn for the better. I'd love to share what I've learned!

2B

Briut wrote on 01 Feb 2010 05:57:


Thank you very much! 

eme, if you send me his e-mail address, I can send him an anonymous e-mail (from some fake gmail accounts I made for this purpose) about our site. If he wants help, he'll know where to find it.

Thanks to everyone for all the advice.

To clarify some things:

There already is a filter (k9), but he has been able to work around it. It is too easy to find things that the filter does not block out. Also he attempts to erase the history, he is just not that great at it.

I do know for a fact that its him, b/c I have seen it happen in action.

Will be back soon. Have to run.

Eme,

I'm sorry you are exposed to seeing your father acting this way. I know it's disappointing, and hurts.

However, I have the following things to say:

1. Don't let yourself get weak due to your father's struggle. You are 2 different people, each with different responsibilities.

2. You now see that your father is human, not perfect. You of all people (meaning, any of us addicts) should try not to judge him. You know how hard it is to fight off p**n.

3. Try to act G-dlike. Just as HaShem has patience and is keeping you alive another day, and has forgiven you because He's your Father, waiting for your teshuva, you should also work on being patient, and forgiving him because your his son, and pray for your father to do teshuva. So, try to help him if you can in indirect ways (like other guys here suggested), and pray for him.

4. In my opinion, DO NOT confront him head on. He'll be so embarrassed! You still have a mitzva to honor him, no matter what he does, because he brought you into the world. Think of all the good he's done for you, from infancy to now.

Keep strong. What I'm saying is focus on YOUR battle against the Y"H while praying for your father's recovery too.

Very often, what we don't finish fixing is given over to our children to fix. A father and son are often 2 parts of one soul. You are fixing what wasn't finished by your father. And make sure to fix it, so that it doesn't continue into the coming generations!!

Birshus HaRav Guard, I'd like to share a somewhat different framework.

R' Guard:
You probably assumed but perhaps forgot to emphasize, that the work we need to do in our short 120 is our OWN.  How things transpired that the RBS'O came to transmit our nisyonos may be an interesting exercise -- perhaps we are indeed forging a tikkun for our father (or father's father, or Yehuda HaShevet for that matter) -- but ultimately those 'causes' don't affect the nature of the work He's given us to do as individuals.

In my own personal case, taking the weight of my own father's tikkun onto my shoulders wouldn't make my job any easier (ferkehrt!) and might not even matter.  Except, of course, to the extent it might make the work easier since you're seeing payoff to TWO people you love (you and your father) -- but I'm not at that madreiga.

Eme:
Consensus here seems to be building for not confronting a father. Kibbud Av, etc. The computer hardware fixes might be more limited than the picture we got in your original post (although I still think there's a trick there somewhere -- maybe quietly installing a filter ON TOP OF K9 where you hold the key).

I'm still going to vote for taking this on as your PERSONAL issue with the spotlight on YOU.  One possible option, I say not knowing the specifics of your life: 

Something like, sitting your parents down and explaining that your Rabbeim (R' Guard, R' Me, etc ) have given you psak that you shouldn't be in places with unfiltered computers.  "Nothing personal, of course, but honoring my Rav no matter how far-fetched is important to me. It would be hard for me to come for Shabbos unless the filters are really improved.  Would you please, as my loving parents, help me to accomplish this FOR ME?"

This avoids any self-confession, any attacks on Dad, any shalom bayis challenges to your parents' marriage, and just might have some success.  Again, I don't know the insides of your family....

The very fact that you're not giving up:  not on yourself, not on the situation, not on your parents or siblings, etc -- is to be commended.  Keep on taxiing, or whatever that other guy on the site keeps saying....