silentbattle wrote on 04 Mar 2010 03:27:


yeah thanks silentbatle.  Trying to let everything slide that I can, whatever she says or does is fine.  I am trying to remember that she is Hashem's daughter and i am trying to say sorry to Hashem for the bad things I think/say about her, realizing it is because of her sadness and frustration (and exhaustion with me) that she behaves the way she does.  But the YH always succeeds in provoking me when it comes to my child's school.  Every baseless accusation and remark ... i always feel the need to argue and present the opposing view! 

I must be a total idiot because in 1-2 years I have never succeeded in changing my wifes view on ANYTHING regarding the education of our daughter....

That's why right now, there is one sweet promise I really could do with a taste of.  Of course it would only be for a brief moment of time, but right now it's looking pretty tempting!  (in the meantime there is always food)

Have a great day.

5770 wrote on 04 Mar 2010 15:45:


What do you mean?

In general, by the way, no matter how smart you are, it's almost impossible to change someone's opinion, especially when emotions are so involved.

It sounds like all the work you've been doing has been work "at a distance" - what have you done to express your love and affection towards her, and to rebuild bridges?

5770 wrote on 04 Mar 2010 15:45:

What do you mean?

  mast****tion
silentbattle wrote on 04 Mar 2010 17:00:


you're 100% right.  Everything has been from a distance.  Trying to keep my big mouth shut seems to be the biggest cause of problems at home, so that's what I am concentrating on.  Keeping my priceless advice to myself :-)

Regarding 'affection?'  It just seems such a long way from reality.

I hate to be harsh, but then you're living in a sinking ship, just trying to stop the sharks from biting you.

The situation is bad, and it's not going to get better by itself. You need to work and improve it - it might not be easy, and the results might take time, but it can only improve things - right?

Can it make things worse?

As for the sweet promise - you know that the sweet taste is only temporary, and the aftertaste is bitter, bitter. And it seems so beautiful and perfect beforehand, but afterwards, we realize it's nothing. The trick is to remember the "afterwards" from last time, before it happens again.

And trust me, I understand - just this morning I had such a strong urge...glad i was able to get out of the situation quickly, thank god!

silentbattle wrote on 05 Mar 2010 00:59:


you're of course right.  Only earlier this evening I opened my big stupid mouth again and gave more precious advice.  Luckily it was nothing major, but even so.  How do you ignore everything that she does that is plain STUPID and keep smiling? please Hashem, close my big mouth (and close my ears)

5770 wrote on 05 Mar 2010 01:26:



A researcher recently conducted a study:

He recruited a large group of parents.
He had them sit in a room and watch clips of parents interacting with children...

In one clip there was a child playing with toys and the mother was trying to get the child to go to sleep.

The child put up a big fuss...

He had them write down a description of what they were seeing.

The following was discovered:

The parents who had good relationships with their children described that the child in the clip likes toys doesn't like bed, and therefore wants to continue what he likes...

The parents who had difficult relationships with their children described a mother who was being reasonable and fair and a child who was being defiant and misbehaving and unreasonable, some even attributed the child's behavior as being deliberately provocative.....

Point is:
A good relationship is a result of viewing the other in a positive light...

A strained relationship was a result of viewing the other in a negative light....

Most people would find it very difficult to just keep quiet when the other is acting totally inappropriate...

The key is to change the way we see things...

Much easier said than done, but over time we can change...

Holy brother, I hope I am not being offensive here, I love you, and want you to have good relationships....

Please let us now how things are...

Peace and Love....

you are not being offensive, far from it. 

"Most people would find it very difficult to just keep quiet when the other is acting totally inappropriate..."

Every single day I am faced with her making stupid short term decisions about our daughter. I keep quiet where I can.  She believes in zero disciplne, zero natural consequences, and (above all) the child is ALWAYS right. 

How am I supposed to reconcile this and be at peace with it?

Dear Friend,

I don't know. Perhaps others do...

But all I can say is that the key here is to over time be able to understand where she's coming form (don't gotta agree, gotta understand... and show the understanding...)

Controlling your words is important, but its the underlying dynamics that hold the key...

It seems that things where complicated for many years...
I don't want to reinvent the wheel here, but did you ever consider marriage counseling?

I have raised it before, many times.  She fundamentally opposes counselling. 

On what grounds?
Or better yet, what do you think her true reason is...?

I am assuming that she wants to be happy...

she believes she is being "punished"  

and that she deserves it

Are you also frustrated that we can't have a normal dialog? :-\
I have to constantly check the new replies button to see if anyone one replied....

I hope GYE gets a chat room... I am giving $100 dollars towards it...

Anyway,

It is not uncommon for one member to try to use family therapy to prove how wrong the other is....

I get that... Especially if you really believe that the other is dead wrong...

But I'm gonna have to stop here, bec. this is way over my head and I am totally unqualified to really give any advice here...

Hope I didn't offend you....

Hope things work out....

Never give up...

trying123 wrote on 05 Mar 2010 03:44:


absolutely no offence taken!  thanks for taking the time to care.

Ok, it seems obvious that your wife has problems that she needs to work out, unfortunately she isn't willing to go to outside help.

You can't change her. The only person you can change is yourself.

You also need to stand firm with regards to issues involving the spirituality of your child.

But.. You can choose to avoid fights as much as possible. You can say in a quiet voice, I don't want to fight with you, but I can't agree to what you are saying / doing, etc..

You do not need to yell, lose your temper,  fight, etc. All these things are soley in your court. Your choice. Your wife does not control your temper, your responses. Only you do.


And if you do your part, maybe, just maybe after time (not overnight) your wife will take notice and maybe even reciprocate.
But only you can choose to make the effort.

A few questions...can I ask what she feels she's being "punished" for? by who?

As far as counseling, how is it presented? As a way for the two of you to work out your issues? maybe it would be better received if you explained (truthfully) that you want to go to marriage counseling with her because you realize that you don't treat her as well as you should, and you think that's the best way for you to learn to appreciate her and treat her properly again.

I agree with Trying123 - I was once dating a girl, and there were certain things that she did that I found annoying, and in fact, took personally (rightfully so - like her reactions to certain things i did). But then I realized that if I could see her actions as cute foibles, then instead of wanting to yell, I'd want to kiss her - and it worked (though I didn't kiss her, since that would probably end the date right there!) - i stopped being annoyed by those issues.

I think that again - what you need to realize is that most, if not all ,the issues you're dealing with, are rooted in the fundamental bad vibes between you and your wife. And if you improve that, really, in a deep way, then the other problems will probably disappear - or at least, get MUCH, much smaller.

So your thought process can go like this - "I need her to see that our daughter should stay in a jewish school. So, in order to convince her of that, I need to start complimenting her regularly. Being nice to her. Showing her that I care."