silentbattle wrote on 15 Feb 2010 01:25:

interesting you should say this stuff, SB.  We had another crisis "meeting" last night.

But why should I keep my mouth shut -  
    when she makes poor decisions for herself?
    when she makes poor decisions for our daughter?
    when she refuses to discipline our daughter ?

The only reason why I love to -
    Look at bad pictures
    Mast****te
    Frown; grimace
    Say critical things
    Use bad tone of voice
    Say mean things
    Yell
    deliberately make everyone feel bad to punish them
    put everyone down ....
    look at those pictures on the internet....

.... is because I am afraid to trust Hashem and believe in Him when he says he will make everything alright, so I have to do all this stuff.   If I trusted and believed in Him, I would know that my good behaviour will be rewarded by him.  but I lack emunah even though I think I have loads!   In fact I am  even angry at my wife for having so little Emunah!

I am afraid that if I replace all my crappy behaviour with a smile and a kind word, that I will still not get Shalom bais and that I will get more chaos, not less.  

So anyway, for the millionth time, I am going to try and get it right starting today.

Day 15 of guarding the bris, day 0 of peace in the home and me keeping my big mouth shut. :-)




coming soon..... guard urMOUTH.com!

try getting the daily 'machsom lefi' emails. if you want I can email you an attatchement with loads of them. they have stunning pictures and empowering one liners of chizuk.  Send me a pm with your email if U want.

5770 wrote on 16 Feb 2010 01:23:


:D :D :D

I agree with you to a certain extent - we have something that we think (let's face it, though - really, it doesn't help us at all)comforts us, and we don't want to let that go, because who knows if that'll help?

Here's the truth, though - since it doesn't help us at all, we might as well improve ourselves. That, in and of itself, will make things better. Can I change my wife? No. Can I change my daughter? No. But I can change me. Now, deep down I think you know that if you could be healthier in every way, 1) your house would be a healthier house, and 2) You could deal with crisis that did come up, in a healthier, more productive way.

Is Emunah part of it? Perhaps. But even aside from that, it's learning to improve ourselves, no matter what - not as a trade for someone else doing what you want.

I believe that, both in the short term, and certainly in the long term, we will always be happier when we choose to improve ourselves.

5770. How you be?? Yes many will tell you this addicton has alot to do with emunah!!!!

So lets try and work on our emunah and then maybe it will overflow to our wives and we will all be so happy!! Keep it up, my friend!! Dont give in to the urge to mouth off at her. Although she may do many things you dont like, shes does many more that you do. Look for them and youll find them. tried and proven!!

hatzlacha! Wishing you all the best!

5770

We don't want you to keep your mouth shut.
We want you to talk,
We want you to talk to...........your wife!
We want you to compliment her
Thank her
Appreciate her

We want you to initiate a vicious cycle of... niceness, pleasantness & happiness, instead of the opposite.

thank you THANKYOU for your thoughts. 

day 16 of keeping off the p~rn, 24hrs of not upsetting my wife.

regarding giving complements.  As ashamed of myself as I am, this would sound all wrong comping from me.  would sound sooo false.    I simply haven't really been very nice to her in many years.

Tov meatt bikavvanah

WRONG.  It will be a total fraud. WHen you say it to her, you obviously don't mean it. You are probably beig tormented by negitive emotions.


BUT by doing so, you will make it possible to say something genuinely positive to her. It may take a week, or two weeks mybe I months (I don't have a clue), but you will be capable of finnaly saying it AND meaning it. And her heart may miss a beat when she finnaly hears it. She will hear and notice, the genuine love in the compliment. And it will show her a glimmer of hope, that mybe you want to change things. Once she sees you genuinely complimenting her from time to time (once, then once every 3 days, and once a day, then twice a day, and then calling her from work to show you care and love her) she will reciprocate. And as hard as it may be for you, especialy since you are a man, and we are not usualy emotional beings...whell women are! and she will finnaly be able to express the torent of emotions that sh always had to supress. And she will be able to show you joy beyond words, with the onset of your newfound relationship.

I may not have the 'married' label over my name, but that is merely a techicality.

Can I throw in my 2 sence?

It's a process that you work your way into. It may not be best to start complimenting someone that you haven't gotten along with in years...

Start off with being considerate, understanding, not criticizing... You work your way up so that eventually when you compliment her she'll be open to it...

(I am talking from personal experience with family members; Not sure if this applies to you)

5770

you're right you do have to shut your mouth. Shut up with all the excuses.

5770 wrote on 17 Feb 2010 01:37:


Is there an addiction to that?  Just Kidding hope I didnt offend you or anyone else....

Fake it till you mean it!!!! You can even tell her although i dont mean it now, i wanna get to where i really mean!! Shell appreciate the effort in it of itself!!! Try it youll see!

Hatzlacha!

I don't think it's a matter of faking it - there are so many things that you want to say to your wife. Wonderful things, caring things, compliments...apologies. You have a lot of positive emotion there, as well.

But it feels wrong, it feels weird, because that's not you - or so you think.

So start off slow. And she may give you a funny look. Find ways to encourage her, to compliment her, and not because you want her positive feedback, but because that's what YOU need to do. Be nice to her, comment on how she looks. Yeah, it'll sound weird, it'll sound cheesy. Do it anyway, and as time goes on, she'll eventually start to open up (though it may take a while). And the compliments will come more naturally.

So it's not a matter of faking it, it's a matter of getting over the uncomfortable feeling of doing something new, that doesn't feel natural - yet.

finding it VERY hard to 'fake it', guys.

Tomorrow @ 2pm she will tell our little chabad school to fix 12 months of problems with our child.....or else.  (no gentle build up - she hates the rabbi because he has flaws....and she likes ultimatums)

Problem is - got nowhere else to go. My wife will be ECSTATIC to get her out of a religious school (not what she "signed up for") and OVERJOYED to put her in with the pritsut masses.

I am running out of options: her anger with me is so hard for me.  Her negativety with me/the school/judaism is OFF THE SCALE.  She hates - HATES - Judaism which has any practical, observant or religious component. G-d help you if you wander around with a beard and tsitsit, you are EVIL (c''v's)

If my daughter leaves the school I feel she will leave Judaism forever.

Wow...that's a crazy tough situation...especially coming in a marriage that's got a lot of things that need fixing to start with...and where this issue can be seen by both of you as a chance to fight for your beliefs system (and so fighting can be seen as a GOOD thing!).

What's been happening since we last spoke? Have you been working on improving things?