Let's rephrase that:  "You should tell this to your wife.

And since it will be WAY too hard, try writing it in a letter, or typing it. It shouldn't be a well formulated one, since the natural flow of emotions will be far more powerfull. she will see what you felt when writing it, she will see how much it hurts you . and she will be able to experience the torrent of emotion that overcame you, as you where expressing them to her, on paper.    And if you type fast mybe it's a better option, since you will be capable of recording your thoughts as fast as they come-up. But obviosly this depends on how fast your mind conjours-up ideas, and how fast you will forget them. Oh and you can present this letter when you're not home. Just it may be wize to allow yourself a day for the awkwardness to pass, but DO NOT take my word on this, I am not yet married. (I have used this therapy in other areas though and it worked remarkably well)

for a bachur, i can still give valuable 'hadracha' and marriage counseling.

Reb Bards let me give you a hand throwing the "masgiach" off the hanhala.
You see, the YH may be a huge Talmid Chacham, yet he's still a shakran. I learnt hilchos yichud, tur, Shualchan Aruch, nosei keilim, Aruch hashulchan, Chochmos Adam, and another great sefer that outdoes them all. And I will tell you halacha lema'aseh that (one of the pirushim under the Bes Yosef and Bach) brings down that that gemara only hold true of a BESULAH, who's  not a nidah (girl under 12, even if she saw dam, we don't hold it to be real dam nidah - if I'm not misstaken). that's beause the avaira of biah has less 'issur' than hirhurim. But when looking at a nidah.... which is yehareig velo ya'avor, the act of znus is still far worse than the looking. keep in mind that she is probably a nidah (see my 'sefer' on the top shelf of the beis medrash, newest 'daf')

sorry for ny innacurasies, i only have 4 sefarim in my possetion, and no acess to a tur

I don't think you should tell your wife all of that just yet.

I think you need to takeh get some clean time.

See a good therapist on your own. Work out some stuff. Start slowly, nicely. Then apologize. Deeply, heartfeltly - and get into marriage counseling.

I know this is a very important issue but RIGHT NOW the issue for our dear friend 5770 is that he's in a place that can be very dangerous to his recovery. So here's another tip for you. Do you have anyone's number who you can talk to this about? It can be a therapist or someone form the website. But getting someone's phone number for emergency contact could be the key here.

-Yiddle

Yiddle you're right, and we do not mean to minimize his current situation. However, we are sort of taking the position that 5770 is in an unsustainable predicament. He may win right now (HE'D BETTER)  but this can't go on for long and it's already gone on for too long.  We are trying to help him start living a normal life.

shemirateinayim wrote on 20 Jan 2010 19:59:



avadde !!

whenevr you hear in your mind

an excuse to do an avaiera remeber

its the yh!!

Don't know if you got my PM, but would you rather continue this conversation on your original thread?

5770

Don't know if you have access to "The Garden of Peace" by R Shalom Arush, but you should read page 123.

Hey Ive been in the same exact matzav as him for a LONG while now...and I'm holding-up for the most part, only because of this thread.  That vort from R Tauber saved my life cout;ess times!!!    Thanks 7up so much, you have NO IDEA how much zchus you get for that PM. Oh and I'm still here, with no-where to run!!!!

Putting down your wife often and blaming her for problems might be abuse. you should see someone. if the behavior is not stopped you child is almost domed to have abusive relationships. also if he grows up in an un healthy home he is at high risk of becoming an addict.

I agree that it might be bordering an emotional abuse (depending on what's happening) - more important than technical terms, though, is the fact that it will probably adversely effect your children.

"almost doomed?" Not really, actually. Studies have shown that children from abusive homes are more likely to be abusers as adults. More likely than the average person, but that does not mean that the majority of children from abusive homes become abusers. Most, in fact, do not. The studies have been confused, and that confused information has been repeated so many times, it's become almost fact.

Case in Point: ME

Everyone I meet wants to see the amazing parents that raised me. he he he, ummmm, yeh. When they finnaly do, they usualy get a response so obvious, that leaves them wondering how i came to be who I am. "It's ggod to see that something came from all the money I paid his yeshiva"

You idiot, the yeshiva never once credited itself with molding or forming children. They merely teach them how to learn, and in the most part, do not credit themselves with teaching the content learnt, just HOW to learn it. One day I will learn MB myself, one day I will learn a whole mesechta myself. But middos they don't claim to teach, since that takes alot more than a classroom. Altough they do try.

I became who I am from having to deal with abuse, depression, neglect, a shattered social life, and severe depression. I rebuilt myself, with some help from my rebbe/rpsh yeshiva, and used all my handicaps to become my source of stength and power. Every dissadvantage and weakness, every makom of RAH was realy a kisuy for TOV. I found the TOV in most of it, and have yet to finish dealing with my addiction.


I come from a brocken home, but it made me "who I am", although i did spend 10 years in deep depression (begging G-D to kill me young).

silentbattle wrote on 09 Feb 2010 15:54:



I do not mean to be petty and this is not the point of this site but I heard from a pro that boys who saw their father abuse their mother, 90% of them abuse their wives.

hello everyone, thanks for your thoughts.  WHile i like the idea of writing all this down to my wife, just not sure if that'd finish her off or not.

And you're of course right.  Kids emulate parents.

Actually had a semi-peaceful Shabbos.  But managed to ruin it today by opening my big stupid mouth.

I don't really know what to say.  I guess I am hoping things will get better.

We can always manage to ruin things by opening our mouths  But we can help build things the same way.

Do you focus on saying nice things to her? Complimenting her on how she looks, etc?