I need to update, I've been clean now for 7 and a half weeks the first 6 weeks were incredable I was really connecting to hashem on a whole new level, I've never been higher for such a long period. But now I've crashed, I didn't watch porn or masterbate thanks to the filters I installed but my connection with God is gone, I got into a huge fight with my wife and I'm so far in the dumps I don't know how to get out of it. I'm afraid that if I don't get back up soon I'll lose everything. Anyways thanks for listening. 
Jeff  

Jeff,

You are probably right that if you dont fix whatever went wrong with your wife, then everyhting will come crashing down. I dont know what the issue is/was but whatever it is take care fo it NOW. And I dont mean that you should brush it inder the rug because that always comes out later. Talk to your wife about your feelings, HER FEELINGS, and resolve the issue. And, oh ya! Ask Hashem to help you.

I wish you much Hatzlocha,

-Yiddle

Jeff, Hashem often does that to us just when we feel we're doing great. You see, he doesn't need people "doing GREAT". He has enough "mighty angels" in heaven. Instead, he throws us down into the dumps and wants to see how we react. If we react in the right way, it takes us to a far higher level than if we had just continued to feel "great".

That is the true meaning "Shchina Batachtonim" - and that is what makes Hashem a true Nachas Ruach and all the angels praise Hashem and say, "look how this son-of-man, down in the dumps, overcome with desire, strife and adversity, still manages to uplift the glory of Hashem and do His will with joy!"

Dear Jeff,

Keep in mind that, if we were to fall every time our wives yell at us, there would be not a single clean husband on this forum. 

Jeff, I am relatively new too and have been clean over a month. I've come close to falling and B"H, my wife is aware of my struggle. I am also married for 13 years with kids. I feel it is important to be open with your wife. She may understand but also may be clueless. Many wives probably think their husbands have an over reactive sex drive. I wouldn't tell everything though. It may create hard feelings and provide her with ammunition later on for something. i too feel that when I am doing well , something else suffers. I try and take a step back , rethink about what I did, see how foolish and wrong I was (hindsight=20/20), oh yeah, and always say your sorry and that it was your fault, even if it wasn't. My wife taught me well, although I haven't mastered it yet.  Be strong, stay calm, and don't focus on the past. Making every day " a new"  can be applied to interpersonal as well as personal issues.
Penitent

Hi Jeff,

What you describe is so normal. Just another tactic of the y"h.

I've been through this. You get into a disgreement, and then the y"h may come over, and say, "let's indulge in some extra curricular excitment, in order to get back at your wife. You are now upset with your wife, and so this means you are as unintimate as it can be so....I'll show her, I can get my intimacy from "another" place!

I saw in a sefer that when the y"h sees that he cannot prevail over someone, so then he just move on to another tactic. For example:  If the person is completely set on not breaking his 90 days or whatever, and the y"h is having difficulty getting in, so he will then take away your patience, and make you very uptight, and yelling at everyone. Or, your y"h will go to your wife, (he can do this, in order to get you, he is not limited to stay only in your body),and he will have her say/do something really crazy just to get you to explode.
  By knowing that this is still the y"h just wearing a different mask, you can then, apologize to your wife with complete sincerety, and agree with everything she says about how wrong you were etc etc. and know that by doing this.....you are smashing the same y"h just on a different front.
  I know it's not easy, but it can be done.

Clearly, you're an amazing person, with fantastic ability and potential. I can see that by your success, your earnestness, and the way you approach this battle. Therefore, I have absolute confidence that you'll succeed tremendously!

Things sometimes don't go the way we'd like them to. Sci1977 refers to it as a rollercoaster (you should check out his thread, he talks a lot about the growth of his relationship with his wife - it's beautiful). I agree, kinda - it's exhilerating, and there are ups and downs - but as long as there are more ups than downs, and we keep going higher and higher, we're good.

As far as the connection to hashem - you still have it. You just don't feel it anymore. Part of our job in this world is to build our relationship with god, even when we don't see it, we don't feel it, it seems like it's not there.

Even if you had fallen, I'd tell you to pick yourself up - but here, you haven't fallen, yu're still standing! The yetzer hora just wants you to think that things have crashed! Look around and realize how amazing it is that you've been clean for so long, and keep on trucking!

wow, thank you everybody for your posts and chizuk. Its really amazing whats going on here, I've never been able to talk to anybody about my problems before.

Thank G-d my wife and I worked everything out and now I'm trying to pick myself back up to where i was. Hopefully that will go quick.

Jeff

Quick or slow, as long as you're moving, preferably upward

I know, I love this place...incredibly holy people who inspire me, and give me chizuk...and teach me...

I'm going to daven for your continued success!

Jeff wrote on 19 Jan 2010 20:10:


That's great!

So today should have been 9 weeks. Last night I had a major fall. I guees in reality I was in a slump for a while now and it was only a matter of time. I'm trying to get clarity on the factors that led to my fall, I would like to post these when I figure them out. But regardless of the factors I'm obviously not prepared to deal with the tough moments.

9 weeks is amazing. Now you know your potential! You can make it even farther than that if you really work on it. Stick with it Jeff, youre on the right track!

-Yiddle

I'd recommend posting more - discuss the factors, here, and get people feedback. Discuss your ideas for dealing with it, and ask for advice. You've got a great support network here, use it!

It's so hard for me to post. I'm the same way in real life I'm that guy who sits with a group of friends and never seems to have anything to say (that's assuming I have friends to hang out with I've ostrasized most everyone). I just don't have that confidance to express myself. I've spent time going through the forum here and I've wanted to get involved but...

I feel lately like I'm living int the dark. I don't have a grasp on who I am and where I'm heading. Every time I muster up the courage to get real with myself my mind fights me to avoid thinking about it. I feel like a robot with all my feelings shut off and I can't break out and I'm dying to break out.

Thank you for listening everyone I really appreciate all the support I have here I hope one day I'll learn how to give back.

Jeff,

Others here can probably speak to this more eloquently than I. But I'll try.

GYE is a place whose *explicit goal* is to give support and chizuk to people just like you, in your situation! You don't know the effect that your participation has on people. Every time you post something, whether it's about yourself, or someone else, you are "giving back" to this community. And when you overcome your obstacles, we will all be celebrating with you.

Never be embarrassed or afraid to post something here. You are obviously an intelligent and sensitive person and I'm sure many of us want to here more from you, and more about your struggle. I know for me, this is the first forum I've posted on and it;s tremendously liberating to realize that people are not judging you, and that everyone is really here to help each other.

So give it a shot. What do you have to lose?