B'H' Today was easy on me. I had some depressing feelings that came up in the day, not a desire to do anything wrong. However in the past boredom and depression have created the void and fertile ground to fall. So I asked Hashem for help with this, and they went away. I probably would have not even asked for help at that moment (i was only feeling a little bad, and there are plenty of ways to deal with that) if it were not for my trying to internalize this new attitude that I am learning with your help. Maybe this really is the Bracha in it; developing a really close relationship with Hashem through his kindness and mercy. Also had I not asked for help when it was just a bad feeling it may have become a worse situation.

I am trying hard not to become complacent, I know how this thing sneaks up on you; and with a new attitude and some progress I am afraid to fall. For the past couple days I have been trying to remind myself to thank Hashem for all the little things and what I naturally take for granted, and to trust in him for everything.

Aside from having some bad feelings today, later in the day I had some really good feelings of a bright future; something I have not been able to gaze on in awhile.

Its pretty hard for me to say this; but I already spilled the beans before about my 7th day, so today is my 9th day clean I believe. I don't like saying how many days its been because I now feel not only responsible for myself but for anyone struggling who might read this, I don't want to let them down.

Shalom

Everyone gets inspired by reading about your success, and hopefully you'll continue to succeed. But no matter what, we'll always be here for you, and people can be inspired by seeing our love for each other no matter what!

And by the way - some of the biggest inspirations have come from watching people get up from really bad falls.

So no matter what, you're inspiring us - you can't escape it! ;D

Glad to hear that you're getting close to hashem!

In part its a bit of tug-o-war about being accountable. Since I have made the jump to talk on this forum I have taken on some accountability.

Crank up the accountability, baby! Eventually it becomes internal - between you and your own conscience and you and your very own, personal G-d. That's what He's supposed to be....right?

Ok so I have made it 10 Days, today is the 11th. I feel that I am ready or need to really keep track of this and make it to some goal (not forgetting that today is always the goal). I'm sure the extra accountability will help me cause I know Its going to get tougher for awhile.

So what do I need to do to get on the 90 day board?

To get on the 90 day chart you just gotta sign up.

Thanks I signed up - no problem.

Great - keep us posted, let us know how things go, what you've learned, what your struggles are...

I just wanted to stop in and say something Positive since I have been feeling especially positive lately, and everyone here has a part in that. So; tracht gut vet zein gut!!! 

Alright!

Glad to hear that you're feeling positive!

Keep on trucking!

Day 16. Now it is getting more challenging. After 15 days without I am hypersensitive both mentally and physically. The Y'H keeps attempting different angles of attack. Reading news - notice an attractive girl, want to look closer, feel slight chemical triggers, have to remove my attention. Its a drug; I can feel the slight chemical release in my brain at that moment. Those familiar with programming understand there are event handlers for triggers such as a button on a web page, they wait and listen for the event to be triggered and then they go right to work calling up whatever code handles that trigger and executing a process. My mind immediately reacted to the chemical release by presenting me with total recall of the feelings I could produce by following this familiar path; very tempting. Fortunately for me I am running a debugger that stops the application at certain points in the process so that it can be examined and I can decide what to do. I could try to write a few lines of my own code to try to divert the process, my mind wants to confront the Y'H and discuss why I am not going to go down this road, quickly the conversation causes me to bring things to mind that again get the program running and more chemicals released. The debugger kicks in again and stops the codes execution again. The the code language is more complex than I understand so I have to call for technical support from its designer. "Hashem theres a problem, I need your help. As for me I am going to step away from the machine and let you deal with it."

I have made it at least 30 days in the past on my own. But after awhile of fighting the Y"H so much, every battle simply dug a the trap that lay before me a little deeper. Its getting tougher for me right now, but each time I ask Hashem to deal with it I get to just walk away and use my energy on something else. So now each battle is actually strengthening me and bringing me closer to Hashem.

Absolutely - you're getting closer and closer to hashem - and instead of thinking of yourself as being deprived, remind yourself that really, you're being freed!

16 days - wow! You're incredible!

Thanks for always stopping by silentbattle! I had some time to read some of your thread; very inspirational stuff. I plan to catch up more on it later.

Shabbat Shalom

EsaEinai wrote on 22 Jan 2010 18:36:


I dont know what youre talking about with all that computer stuff, but it sounds like a great Mashal. Keep it up EE. 16 days is a rediculous amount of time not to act out and 17 is even more rediculous.

Have a wonderfull Shabbos!!

-Yiddle

You inspire me - have a great shabbos!