Hey guys...

Im actually quite embarrassed to be writing this email. Ive been away for so long and I see that B"H the GYE community has grown exponentially. I see so many people have grown and are leading normal lives. I see the people that were helped now helping others. And I feel like garbage.

You see, Im about to be married in about a week...and I just masturbated about half an hour ago. I feel like my neshoma has been batted into oblivion. If the wedding was a couple months away, Id think "Ok, Ill start now and do some real teshuvah"...but THERES ONLY A WEEK!! I remember writing on the forum a while ago "Anyone not putting everything they've got into this fight against lust has no business getting married" and here I am still losing!!!!!!!

The past 6 months have been very tough on me...I did so well for such a long time and only recently (after Chanukah) did I fall so hard. I have fallen about 5 times since then...and after the fourth time I tried to do some form of Teshuvah...and now I messed up again. I dont know what to do!! I feel like Im going into marriage as a handicap...lacking what I need to build a Bayis Ne'eman...What can I possibly do to rectify myself before my wedding, and ensure that I will not fall again afterwards??!!?

Please guys, help me!

A week? That's enough time. Just do this: Promise yourself that you will have a strong filter on your computer after you get married. Also, I highly recommend getting CE (Do you know what that is?) Daven to Hashem and beg forgiveness, promise to start anew. You will feel so much better. Think back to one week ago...its a while back no? You will be fine. But most importantly listen to this: The reality is that you are in a position oh so many people would love to be in. Let me explain. Do you realize how many guys are married 2, 3, 5, 10 etc years and still have the same problem? How they wish they were a week from there wedding! An oppertunity to commit to ridding oneself of that past and start married life promising they will not continue this whilst married. So my friend, grab this! Oh how lucky you are! You do have this oppertunity!!! MAZEL TOV!!!

Will,
Welcome back.
I just want to tell you that you are gonna be fine.
You just made the mistake that so many of us made of judging our sobriety by days clean.
A filter does not seem to be the number one thing right now in my mind.
Hashem puts us all in the perfect situation,so if marriage is wat youre gonna neeed to recover,then marriage is what you get.(read that line backwards).

I once asked a well known sex addiction therapist who has more success in recovery:bochurim or married guys.
He said forsure married guys.
Why?
Because alot of this addiction is centered around living in our own world of fantasy and "security" and mistrust.
When a bochur wants to open up to the world,its hard sometimes to learn who to build trust in first.
But you have a great opportunity now.
You can leave the selfish world of lusting.
And move into the world of emes.Of giving.Of trusting,and being trustworthy.
Of honesty with onesself and with others.

May Hashem grant you the strength to undergo a complete recovery and may you be zoche to build a bayis neeman beyisroel amen.

BH

The answer is ..... go veiter ( just carry on. Do the things you need to do in preparation for the wedding, spiritually and physically ( even if you don't feel the best inside). At your chuppah - you will be atoned!!!.  And thereafter, you can work with the GYE site for further personal develoment.

I did the same thing less than a week before my wedding, but I regret what happened after my wedding - many times - far more than that particular incident. The main part of teshuvah is seeing to it that it doesn't happen again.
If you want to do real Teshuvah, put K9 on your computer NOW, and promise H-shem (without making a real neder) not to ever let a computer without a proper filter within the walls of your home.
When your finished with that, you can try one of the recovery programs you'll find here.
Think about it. If someone had a sickness, that every time he walked past you - he felt an unbearable urge to kick you in the face. (I'm not a psyco, I'm just trying to make a point). And he really really regreted it a second afterwards - every time. He even calls you up later on that day to apologize, and cries to you, saying how he hates what he does, and really wants to stop, and wishes he didn't have this problem. But then he does it again, and again, and each time he calls you afterwards with the same sobbing voice...
What would you tell him?
I'd tell him "Either you get yourself professional therapy, and do everything it takes to cure your problem, or stay the @#$#@ out of my daled amos, and make sure that you never are outside when I am".
If you truly want to stop, and never go back, you will do everything in your power to make sure the situation doesn't happen again.

Mazal Tov, and I hope you are zoche to live a wonderful erlicher life together with your kallah of arichas yamim v'shanim with simchah and shalom bayis, and raise a home full of ovdei H-shem B'emes!!!

Hatzlacha Rabbah
KG

One thing you've got is Will Power 

Another thing, though you've fallen, you have admitted you need help.  Posting again is a major step to recovery.  KEEP IT UP!!!

At least you're lucky to have GUE BEFORE you got married!!!  I've been married 10 years before getting help from this site.  You're way ahead of the game!

Look over the handbooks again.

Take it one day at a time.  Even one minute at a time.

And don't think about it TOO much.

Don't focus on the problem; focus on LIVING!!!

And MAZEL TOV!!!

And good luck, too!

  --Eye.

Dear Will,

Mazal Tov on your upcoming marriage!  The period of engagement is very difficult, because you're neither here nor there.  Just know that what happened to you can happen (and has happened) to the best of us!

Will wrote on 10 Jan 2010 07:01:


Just like me - It was almost a year between my last post and last week when I started posting again. One great thing about this site is that now, practically every 5 minutes there are new posts - great way to take my mind off things.
You're getting married!!!!! That's awesome - as was pointed out: 1- You're already extremely advanced in conquering this problem. 2- Regarding feeling bad, wedding day is basically complete atonement (from what I've heard) - so you're practically way ahead of many people!
It takes a great man to be so worried about this days before his wedding.
Welcome back (home).

First of all think one day at a time,today you can do it try to keep your self busy, hang out with friends, make a chavrusa for each day...
you are so lucky that you know there is a issue one week before your wedding but sorry to break the news to you,  marriage or filters won't help, no matter how attractive your wife is it won't fulfill your fantasies and the stuff you see in movies... You need to change the way you think, it is amazing that you are able to start working on this before your wedding, call someone and talk to the professionals, read the book sa.

After being clean for a week and being on this forum, reading sa  and talking to people I came to realize that when I was with my wife all I thought about was me, my desires, my fantasy, what makes me feel good etc...if it did not go as I wanted then I would go to p..n and m and even if it went well I still needed more so I would still go to the p..n, I just want more and more and cannot control myself.

But now I am changing the way I think, I put my desires on the side and think about us, so far (one time) it has been great, the actions did not change, I do not want to create any triggers so I will not go in to details but the bottom line is we have to change our attitude, it is like when they bring out the cholent in shul you first reaction might be to grab it and eat  it like a chazer, you mouth gets very watery etc. But you want to have manners so you control yourself wait for it to come to you and you eat it slow and you survived, it tasted just fine and you are satisfied, but if you get in habit of eating like a chazer it is hard to stop.  the same thing ( almost) is with s we need to premeditated and change the way we think about it and what how want to feel, we need to slow down we don't need to grab and jump in like a hungry chazer, you will live and it will taste just as good and in the long run even better ( btw you can apply the same thing with sushi )

Keep strong my friends and for now think ONE DAY AT A TIME,

the best edvice sometimes needs to be repeated.

Don't EVER allow an unfiltered computer into your mikdash me'at the same way you wouldn't bring one into a shul.

Don't allow circulars, landsend, macys, nordstrom, etcc....  have your wife NOT let them get your adress for those things.

Do realize that what you will do together, is NOT what you haev seeen done. yes you probably have ideas etc.... but those ppl aren't real, and your wife IS.  Idealy call a rav and anonymously ask him for one chassan class in direct reffrence to this. oh and scedual it right b4 the wedding. It helps if you have the guts to fully ask the questions plagueing you.  and remember that what your supposed to be doing is kedusha vetahara...not "role playing" the znus you've seen.      keep in mind that if you do try that, she'll pickup on your  'ideas' and wonder how you are so 'profficiant' in these areas..... so be smart. do it propperly, bikedusha ubetahara, mitkavein lesheim mitzvah.

And do try the handbooks and forum.

You guys rock. The site has grown so much!

Thank you all so much for your input...it really has made me feel better. I made a neder that if I even slip online Im going to pay a certain amount of money...this has helped me a lot in the past and it is helping now as well. Im going to also look into the more powerful filters. I also need to work on my shmiras einayim. But I think the NUMBER ONE change that needs to take place, like some of you emphasized, is in my thought process. I need to change the way I think and concentrate on HOW SHE FEELS and not just chase my desires. Im just not sure how this is practically possible. I mean, how do you ACTUALLY change the way you think in these areas?

"Od Yishamah Be'arei Yehudah U'vechutzos Yerushalayim..."

Will, I am so happy to hear you are getting maried soon. May you and your Kallah be zocheh to a bayis ne'eman bi'yisroel and build a family with yiraas shomayim.

Mazal Tov,

-Yiddle

Will, as you well know, the day of your chasunah is your personal Yom Kippur. you will say Vidui by mincha. You will fast, I assume. You will be cleansed of your aveiros and will be starting afresh. Move on. Build a life with your kallah. Your charata is itself a teshuva. If you're consumed with sadness, not to be confused with guilt, this last week before your wedding, it's the yetzer talking. Don't listen man. Mazel tov. Have us all in mind here at GYE at your chuppah, daven for us there.

Mazal Tov!! It's so gevaldig that you are about to start your whole new life, with the ONE that can eventually be your best friend!! The loneliness CAN and Will end. Imagine! Your tefillos will go soaring thru your Chuppah right to the Kisei HaKovod!! Guaranteed. Your kaporah will be complete, like twas said, start with a brand new slate.

Move away from the anxiety, and look forward to your happiness!! OY OY WOWIE!!!

Please do what you can to get excited about getting married, not scared. There's this great book called Garden of Peace, to guide husbands how to have a happy marriage. You can buy it now and start reading, thinking about the golden opportunity you will have to express love and chesed on a daily basis to your partner for life!

My Rosh Yeshivah told me, you & your kallah will get lots of requests to daven that day for others. By all means do what you can. But when you are actually standing there under the chuppah, each of you have a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to have your personal bakashos heard by Hashem Yisborach. Under the Chuppah, only daven for yourselves, for eachother, for your marriage; think what the things are you want most in your life - Shalom, Health, parnose, children, to live to see moshiach, to bring korbonos in the beis hamikdosh - whatever your deepest desires are, you have this ONE SHOT, both of you. Perhaps call your kallah this week, tell her this vort, and DISCUSS together what you each together want to daven for. Don't mention your past, it's not gonna be nogeiyah, if you want to you can simply talk about wanting a home based on deep levels of kedusha and taharah, mutual respect and love. DISCUSS how you both can employ strategies to avoid anger and loud voices in your home, EVER!! (the Igerres haRamban is GREAT for this - you can have a light study schedule together, say once a week & go section by section).

I am so happy for you, i'm gonna DANCE right NOW!!

Did you SEE THAT? The windows shook!!

Will wrote on 13 Jan 2010 17:21:


GREAT GREAT GREAT!  You're going in the right direction.