I joined SA in 2013 and was active for seven years, until Covid, and had reached two years sobriety. Now, I find the program in GYE more practical, hands-on, more encouraging(not to criticize SA--it was powerful, but I guess I have shifted). But I have been slipping back. I found a gaping hole in my filter and have not taken steps to get it closed. I think there are several reasons, both conscious and sub-conscious. But here, if I am absolutely honest, I must confess openly. I like it. I might know it is destructive, but I like it. I will not get graphic. But I need to say that.

Hey asopher,

I can identify with your issue. I was also in SA for several years, had to stop coming to meetings due to my wife's health around COVID. I also have a serial issue with internet access - I am a professional at finding every hole with many filters. There were many periods were I knew I had openings but did not want to close them, I felt I would never go back there once I knew there was an identified issue, and I also secretly felt I needed the backup outlet.

However, since (shocker) I always went back when there was an opening, and I came to the understanding that this stuff, no matter how bad or pareve it was, was killing me and my relationship with wife and Hashem and wasting my life, I now have an extremely tight filter to the point it really makes work hard, and if I ever find a hole I IMMEDIATELY ask the filter to block it (or G-d forbid as soon as I have some post-exposure clarity).

It's all about the mindset of seeing how much this is killing you. I'm not saying thats easy to achieve, I had to learn it the hard way after years of pain.