Welcome to Logic 101 I am Professor Chancy Hak.
In the course of this class, we will discuss logic tools that helped me, among other, to get out of the addiction cycle of sexual misconduct.
Take notes, gather your wits about you and lets go.
Lesson 1 DIFFUSE
The problem.
One of the biggest issues someone with SA deals with is the fight between what he sees as ‘his wants’ and ‘not allowed’, the guy thinks “I really want to do this and this and that, if only It were allowed by Halacha/Wife/Society/community, etc. I would be so happy/content/ecstatic.
This creates a huge conflict within oneself. Unfortunately, this is the reason why many guys leave the fold; they can't give up on what they think is an essential “need” of theirs. This conundrum tears apart everything we hold holy. How can the Torah forbid something that's so basic? Why was I created with this crazy “need” that I am not allowed to satisfy? Questions abound. This has led many good Yidden to dissociate from our way of life, nebech.
The solution.
The tool called Diffusion takes this issue head-on. It tells the guy to ‘diffuse’ from the desire. Diffusion is, of course, the opposite of ‘fusion,’ which would mean to fuse two things together. ‘Diffusion’ means separating something into two things.
The basic premise is that you need to realize there are two parts of you. It’s not that YOU want to do something but are not allowed; it's that PART of you wants to and PART of you doesn’t. As much as someone wants to watch or engage with something or someone, there is always a reason they are resisting. If they didn’t fight it, they wouldn’t be asking for help and they would be living happily ever after. When we see someone struggling and trying, that struggle itself indicates there is a significant part of them that is NOT willing to continue doing those things.
(Even if someone cannot identify a reason other than fearing punishment from above, this is still a strong motive. The desire to live well is powerful. However, this is not sufficient, as it can result in frustration over why Hashem desires it this way. I'm simply noting that this too is a valid reason.)
The steps
Now that we've covered the basics, let’s dive deeper. Hold on tight.
Identify your motivations - Take a moment to make a list of reasons for wanting to quit whatever habit you’re aiming to break. I’ll provide several examples, but they should resonate personally with you.
Hashem loves me, gives me everything including my eyesight and my pleasure sensors among my other healthy body parts. I can't take His gifts and use them against Him; that's just wrong.
My family- How much pain and humiliation will this cause to my loved ones? Even if they never find out, the fact that I'm engaging in extramarital activities robs me of the ability to be fully present for my family. I want to raise holy kids; it's impossible if I dont stop doing this.
My freedom- Being enslaved to this means I'm imprisoned by my desires. I can't decide to go or look or think about what or where I want; I am beholden to every filthy thing on the street and in my head. That's not a way to live!
My Self-image- I belong to a wonderful community where I aspire to be like the holy people I meet in shul. I can't begin to get close to them if I continue this path; I am alienating myself from the people I'm aspiring to be like.
Absorbing your reasons- Its not enough to know them, you got to FEEL them in your bones, raise that lion inside of you, get angry at your Yetzer H for putting you in so much pain, feel your pulse quicken and your resolve strengthening! Yell as loudly as you can from the depth of your stomach, “I WANT OUT”, “I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS” “I WILL WIN THIS WAR” (The best time to do the above is right after a fall as the head is the clearest then. Or if you can find some time when you are free of desire, that can work as well.)
Separate the two elements—now that you recognize the reasons to quit and feel them in your body, it's time to distance the two parts from each other. So, the next time a desire arises, pause and consider the following: I can feel the desire in my body, in my mind, in my veins; it feels incredible, I know. However, I also have numerous compelling reasons to avoid descending into the fantasy and eventually acting on it. I understand the cost involved, which far exceeds the momentary pleasure. The pain I'll experience greatly outweighs the enjoyment. I realize that if I stop now, the desire will fade, and I’ll feel significantly better. Embrace the desire as part of yourself, but also acknowledge the other side and give it proper recognition, fostering coexistence instead of conflict. Even if you can’t resist the urge forever, every moment you pause and reflect on your commitment to being clean for the aforementioned reasons (revisit them in your thoughts) will gradually signal to your mind that something has shifted, illustrating that there’s a new authority in charge. The more often you practice this, the easier it will become over time.
Getting the upper hand - Eventually, the part that you keep moving away from (the desire) will become weaker, while the part that you are empowering will become stronger and gain the upper hand.
Thank you all for attending today's class. I hope you enjoyed it. See you next time.
