Welcome to Logic 101 I am Professor Chancy Hak. 

In the course of this class, we will discuss logic tools that helped me, among other, to get out of the addiction cycle of sexual misconduct. 

Take notes, gather your wits about you and lets go. 

Lesson 1 DIFFUSE

The problem.

One of the biggest issues someone with SA deals with is the fight between what he sees as ‘his wants’ and ‘not allowed’, the guy thinks “I really want to do this and this and that, if only It were allowed by Halacha/Wife/Society/community, etc. I would be so happy/content/ecstatic. 

This creates a huge conflict within oneself. Unfortunately, this is the reason why many guys leave the fold; they can't give up on what they think is an essential “need” of theirs. This conundrum tears apart everything we hold holy. How can the Torah forbid something that's so basic? Why was I created with this crazy “need” that I am not allowed to satisfy? Questions abound. This has led many good Yidden to dissociate from our way of life, nebech. 

The solution.

The tool called Diffusion takes this issue head-on. It tells the guy to ‘diffuse’ from the desire. Diffusion is, of course, the opposite of ‘fusion,’ which would mean to fuse two things together. ‘Diffusion’ means separating something into two things. 

The basic premise is that you need to realize there are two parts of you. It’s not that YOU want to do something but are not allowed; it's that PART of you wants to and PART of you doesn’t. As much as someone wants to watch or engage with something or someone, there is always a reason they are resisting. If they didn’t fight it, they wouldn’t be asking for help and they would be living happily ever after. When we see someone struggling and trying, that struggle itself indicates there is a significant part of them that is NOT willing to continue doing those things. 

(Even if someone cannot identify a reason other than fearing punishment from above, this is still a strong motive. The desire to live well is powerful. However, this is not sufficient, as it can result in frustration over why Hashem desires it this way. I'm simply noting that this too is a valid reason.)

The steps

1. Now that we've covered the basics, let’s dive deeper. Hold on tight. 

• Identify your motivations - Take a moment to make a list of reasons for wanting to quit whatever habit you’re aiming to break. I’ll provide several examples, but they should resonate personally with you. 

• Hashem loves me, gives me everything including my eyesight and my pleasure sensors among my other healthy body parts. I can't take His gifts and use them against Him; that's just wrong.

• My family- How much pain and humiliation will this cause to my loved ones? Even if they never find out, the fact that I'm engaging in extramarital activities robs me of the ability to be fully present for my family. I want to raise holy kids; it's impossible if I dont stop doing this. 

• My freedom- Being enslaved to this means I'm imprisoned by my desires. I can't decide to go or look or think about what or where I want; I am beholden to every filthy thing on the street and in my head. That's not a way to live!

• My Self-image- I belong to a wonderful community where I aspire to be like the holy people I meet in shul. I can't begin to get close to them if I continue this path; I am alienating myself from the people I'm aspiring to be like. 

1. Absorbing your reasons- Its not enough to know them, you got to FEEL them in your bones, raise that lion inside of you, get angry at your Yetzer H for putting you in so much pain, feel your pulse quicken and your resolve strengthening! Yell as loudly as you can from the depth of your stomach, “I WANT OUT”, “I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS” “I WILL WIN THIS WAR” (The best time to do the above is right after a fall as the head is the clearest then. Or if you can find some time when you are free of desire, that can work as well.)

2. Separate the two elements—now that you recognize the reasons to quit and feel them in your body, it's time to distance the two parts from each other. So, the next time a desire arises, pause and consider the following: I can feel the desire in my body, in my mind, in my veins; it feels incredible, I know. However, I also have numerous compelling reasons to avoid descending into the fantasy and eventually acting on it. I understand the cost involved, which far exceeds the momentary pleasure. The pain I'll experience greatly outweighs the enjoyment. I realize that if I stop now, the desire will fade, and I’ll feel significantly better. Embrace the desire as part of yourself, but also acknowledge the other side and give it proper recognition, fostering coexistence instead of conflict. Even if you can’t resist the urge forever, every moment you pause and reflect on your commitment to being clean for the aforementioned reasons (revisit them in your thoughts) will gradually signal to your mind that something has shifted, illustrating that there’s a new authority in charge. The more often you practice this, the easier it will become over time.

3. Getting the upper hand - Eventually, the part that you keep moving away from (the desire) will become weaker, while the part that you are empowering will become stronger and gain the upper hand. 

Thank you all for attending today's class. I hope you enjoyed it. See you next time. 

The problem 

One of the biggest obstacles to achieving anything in life is one's fear of failure.

It's so pervasive and, interestingly enough, a mighty sleep opium to stay stuck in the same place, situation, addiction, or what have you, only because we are afraid that if we change whatever it is that needs changing, we might fail and that scares us into inaction! It's counterproductive by definition! Nothing can be improved, whether it's a career, marriage, living conditions, or mental or physical health, as long as we don't tackle that fear.

Since this is GYE, where people come to find help with their struggles, I will focus on the fears related to these issues.

 Before I present the solution, let me tell you that I'm no stranger to this phenomenon. I have been eating fear for breakfast, lunch, and dinner since I can remember, so I consider myself somewhat of an expert in these matters.

Now, let's get serious, people.

The underlying cause

There are two main reasons why someone is afraid of change.

1. Fear that this struggle will become worse. Maybe by stopping to Masturbate, I might act out with someone else, chas v'shulem! Or by stopping to watch Porn I might masturbate more or I will get so crazy that I'll start watching worse things. This is called 'Living with the devil I know.' A person tells himself, "what I'm doing right now is bad, but I know it well, and I can control it to a certain extent, but if I start changing stuff and stopping this and that, maybe It'll get worse. Includes things like:

1. 1. My emotions will become out of hand if I don't have this pacifier.

1. 1. My desires will keep increasing until I explode!

2.            Fear that I will feel worse if I fail again after trying, even if I do the same thing I did before because that will make me feel that I'm completely incapable of change. At least now, I have an illusion that if I try, I will succeed; that illusion keeps me going. If that illusion is shattered, I will fall apart!

Both are very valid and real fears and cannot be dismissed lightly.

The solution 

While it may sound simple, it's not easily done. Fear is the most powerful and controlling emotion in any human being, especially those who experience it frequently.

It can take over your entire life and make you into an enslaved person and prisoner. However, we are not here to discuss fear in general; rather, we are focusing on logical ways to overcome emotions that are holding us back from succeeding in this particular battle.

Regarding the second fear of feeling worse, the solution is more straightforward: start internalizing why you are fighting this war. In Lesson 1, we discussed making a list of reasons and building on them so they become one with us. I can't overstate the importance of that. I've spoken to so many guys that all tell me the same thing: they never really gave much thought as to why they are fighting this war; they wait until they're triggered, and then a small voice says "no" but of course, that's like fighting an elephant with a toothpick, probably not the strongest weapon. In order to win this war you need to come up with weapons that are at least as strong or stronger than the proverbial elephant.

Come up with a list of reasons that resonate deeply with you, think about them, connect with them, feel how much those reasons mean to you, and how important it is for you to, for example, be holy, be faithful, be a good husband, etc. Doing that will build up your weapon reserves that you will need when you face the triggers.

Once you have those reasons and you feel how much they mean to you and how critically important it is for you to win and grow and fight, then the fear of feeling worse if you fall gets diminished, because you understand how important it is to fight, how every win is huge, and just fighting and staying clean for another minute, another hour, another day, another week is immensely important for those reasons.

Being holy for one day is unbelievable and astronomically greater than not being holy for one day, so every battle, no matter how small, becomes a significant positive, and it doesn't get negated by a fall down the line.

So, every time you think about not starting to fight because you're afraid you'll fall, remind yourself that the reasons you're in this battle are important enough for you to win, even if it's just small baby steps. Besides, the longer you resist, the less you will fall.

However, regarding the other fear that the struggle will become worse, that is a different story.

In normal circumstances, you shouldn't worry about that. Most gues dont become worse by trying to become better.

However, if you feel there is a possibility that you might do something worse by not masturbating, and you think that thought is valid, then please reach out to one of the professional mentors here on GYE with lots of experience; they will guide you.

You may need to see a therapist. But It's well worth it. If we can get rid of this desire or at least diminish the power it holds over us, it's worth all the energy and money in the world.

One last point.

We must understand that Hashem is not looking for perfection from us. He created us as He did the whole world, Perfectly imperfect. All He wants to see is us growing steadily, taking baby steps,

Stop worrying about maybe falling; get up and go! If you fall cv, you get up and continue walking. Watch a baby learn how to walk, and you will learn a great lesson in perseverance.

Thank you everyone

My dear brothers,

Today, I am going to write about some deep stuff. It may not be directly related to the title of this thread, but it feels connected.

I am currently working on something called "The Presence Process" by Michael Brown. It is a guide on how to breathe and allow unintegrated emotions to surface. The process isn’t too hard, and it’s very enlightening. I would like to share some insights that have emerged from my journey. Why? First, to get it off my chest and out of my head. Second, perhaps it will help someone else. And third, maybe someone has had similar experiences and can relate.

I knew that once I sat alone and let my guard down, my struggle with sex addiction would come to the forefront, as it always lurks beneath the surface. This indeed happened—though not always, it occurs frequently. Usually, I let these feelings pass, as I am not specifically trying to achieve anything while breathing—just staying present. However, I told myself, "This is crazy! I can’t go on living like this; I need to get to the bottom of this addiction once and for all."

So, I started digging deeper. It's incredible how deep and all-encompassing this desire is. WARNING: This may not be a good idea if you fear you might fall! DO NOT attempt this, at least not while sitting alone.

I have come to recognize the following truths:

1. As far back as I can remember, I have had a strong desire—it feels like I was born with it.

2. When I was very young (about 6 or 7), a boy from my cheder coerced me into showing him my body. I didn’t make a big deal of it, but in the following days, I saw him by the urinals with someone else, and I mistakenly thought they were laughing at my size, which made me feel I was weird. This was the first time I began thinking that some boys were involved in inappropriate behaviors. I still wasn’t interested, but it set my mind in that direction.

3. As I got older (around 8 or 9), I started using this desire as a drug to escape my crushing anxiety and other emotional issues. I still wasn’t interested in anyone else; it was just about me and my escape. That’s when I discovered masturbation, long before I understood what it was, but I knew it was something “wrong.” I was convinced it would kill me, but the pull was too strong for a child with emotional issues to overcome.

4. At around 11 or 12, on the first day of Kita Ches, a boy was assigned to sit next to me and began touching my inner thigh. I was petrified. I was afraid of the new Rabbi, and I was shocked! Thankfully, he moved away and didn’t try anything again, but again, the idea lodged in my mind.

5. That same year, I saw a boy from my grade going into the bathroom, and I thought he was aroused. I assumed he wanted me to see that. I almost think that’s when I first started fantasizing about other boys. This was almost 30 years ago, and I didn’t realize it until yesterday! What a revelation!

6. The following year, I was fully occupied with crushing on other boys, yet I never dreamed of acting on it; it was just fantasy.

7. When I was 13 or 14, a boy in the middle of Shiur showed me his “boy toy.” For the first time in my life, I experienced someone showing me real affection and trust. This started a relationship that lasted more than a year, where we were effectively boyfriends. Everyone knew about it! I was almost expelled and forbidden to talk to him. That didn’t help matters much. I’m not trying to trigger anyone here; I simply need to write this down. I find myself crying as I delve into these memories. It is painful to relive them.

8. After my adolescent years were consumed by same-sex attraction, I felt trapped. I was deeply hooked. I was expelled again at 16 from another yeshiva but managed to return. Things settled down by 18 when the guys my age were no longer interested in such matters.

I am realizing more and more the emotional aspect of same-sex attraction. It was critically important for me to have someone like me. It was vital for me to feel trusted. It was essential to feel safe. I was always drawn to the good-looking, popular guys whom I needed to feel protected by. If only I could be more like them, then I would feel worthy.

I couldn’t maintain friendships with anyone I found attractive if they rejected me. It felt like it kept us apart,  "Why not?"

That’s a lot to unpack. This is where I am now. Mentally, I know I was wrong and that I don’t need that validation and safety anymore. However, emotionally, it is still stuck somewhere inside me. With Hashem's help, I hope to cleanse myself from this and other burdens.