Well, I just had another fall. I hate this so much. I just can’t control myself. And I fell before my hours were up also. I feel so terrible. But I don’t want to let that feeling win. I can’t let that win. Maybe I should just daven maariv myself and go to sleep. Finish a terrible night early. But I had a sudden burst of inspiration. THE YH WILL NOT WIN THE NIGHT. It won the battle a half hour ago, true. But now it’s time for my counterattack. I WILL go to minyan. Not just that, I WILL learn for at least 10 minutes before minyan. The YH wants me to be distant from Hashem? Ha. Not a chance. I know Hashem is reading this also. So, Hashem, I fell, yes, I admit it. I’m so so sorry. I wish I hadn’t and I regret it with all of my heart. But I’m back in control now. I will go learn and reconnect to you. I will use my eyes for purity and I hope upstairs it washes away the dirt. The filthy dirt that I hate so much yet can not tear away from. Sheva Yipol Tzaddik Vkom (sytv). It’s a lot more than 7 I know. I wonder about that. Does anyone have an explanation for me? Anyway, I’m getting back up. The YH has knocked me out hundreds if not thousands of times, yet I’m back on my feet. I feel gross, but at least I’m standing. And I WILL win the night. 

Sounds like a Baal teshuva Gamur to me, What dirt is there to wipe off. I'm reading the charata right off your post, then Kaballah al haasid, Amazing stuff!
Could we change your name to Just, TV2002??

Haha maybe maybe. Bh I did win the night. Learnt for a half hour even not just 10 minutes.  And went to sleep on time got up for shachris… iyh today will be a great day