Day 168 ב"ה
Frankly I am really tempted to give in and watch p and masturbate. I had a very stressful pesach for a number of reasons and I'd really like to just numb out and feel good with fantasy and good physical feelings. I need to get clear that I will not be improving my situation by giving in. Temporarily yes, but immediately afterwards I will feel horrible. Horrible. And my situation not at all improved. I will feel emptied out, like an empty shell. Revolted by the images that I'd seen. I'd ask myself "what have I done?!" like I've asked myself so many times before.
It's striking how I always found, or very nearly always, that when viewing p, as soon as the p was no longer 'needed' it seemed to me the most revolting thing in the world. I couldn't get it away from me fast enough, shielding my eyes from the horror while at the same time trying to click closed whatever window into hell was open. It made me think and feel that the true nature of what I'd been viewing was absolutely disgusting, but while under the influence of the desire it was made to seem like the most enchanting thing in the world. And I always feel like I have just opened up my soul and poured in a barrel of caustic poison.
I need to remind myself of that and get it clear, or I may very well face going back to it. And once in it can be so hard to get back out. The tempting door back into porn is a lying facade. There's nothing beautiful inside, only pain and torment.
The גמ says that in truth she's a כד מלא צואה ופיה מלא רוק. Maybe an element of the disgust is that after being done the factor which hides that צואה ורוק goes away and your left with the feeling of having just fully and intensely focused on a כד מלא צואה ופיה מלא רוק. Of course this raises the question that if so why not also when done in the proper way but I don't think that's such a kashya
