Hi Chevra!
The Admin moved my thread to the BB forum,
but I haven't forgotten you, and want to keep you in the loop too.
I will bl"n post appropriate posts here too!
It's gr8 to be back in zeman, I am forcing myself to daven like a mentch as I know that that is a big catalyst for me to stay spiritual connected and fit.
Have started on step 4 but my sponsor lost sobriety so will see what my new one says.
I am meant to be an עד at a חופה tomorrow, but are unsure of the halachic fitness of my situation.
Its a little sticky and hope I will get direction in time
E-L-U-L!!!

Thanks so much for this. I was really missing following your journey.

I appreciate the fact that you didn't forget about us bochurim in the struggle.

Keep Trucking!

Yay! I am Kosher Leidus!!!!
[Just got a reply from a renowned posek!!!!!!]

parev wrote on 08 Sep 2024 21:48:

WOW thats an honor!
is this the first time you accepted  עד??

cande wrote on 08 Sep 2024 23:27:

It's actualy quite cringe coz the chosson is from chashuv stock and there will be lots of rabbonim - but all krovim so they 'handpicked' me coz i'm the frummest guy thats not a korov they could think of.......
And the chosson called tonight to make sure I come on time for all the kinyanim [kesuba etc]
BH I'm kosher....

parev wrote on 08 Sep 2024 23:31:

Glatt kosher bet yosef BH

It is so liberating.
I procrastinated for ages to ask the shaala - coz I was scared of the answer...
But I knew that I have to do the next right thing...
Both Rabbi Zimmerman and Rabbi Berkowitz gave the green light BH

I feel like i'm on a roller coaster
I think my sponsor loosing sobriety shook me a bit
I didn't act out, but did do some pretty stupid things...
Made a effort to contact my sponsor even during the chassuna last night
- made up a time to speak today IYH
I should really make some calls

Spoke to my best friend in SA - someone I know indepently of program - but was introduced to him through GYE - Thank You
Just what the doctor ordered!
Went to yeshiva even though VERY late, I really wanted to escape - but I knew that it wont help and just make things worse.
I walked into the Beis Hamedrash at 12:30 - walked back out, and then took a DEEP breath and reentered
actually learnt for half an hour and was present for the rosh chaburas spontaneous chabura [it was pretty boring, but said a very shtark vort in the last 1  minute - worth waking up for!!]

I received a PM from a great guy asking me to update thee oilam on the censored version - well I gotta share a secret with you - i haven't been updating the uncensored version either recently...
Actually I was gonna restart posting this week IYH so lets see where things go...
I've had a really busy elul and my computer was semi down [and I didnt want to share my struggles..]
BH I'm 2 weeks FULLY sober!
A great trick my [new] sponsor told me is to open my hand outwards when surrendering
I don't know why - BUT IT WORKS!!
[especially helpful when surrendering fantasies during seder and when people are around!]
Will KIT IYH!

Just clocking in
Haven't had the menuchas hanefesh to post for a while
BH Sober
but really need to get the willingness to do the steps
Just posting this has a energetic effect on me...

BH 4 weeks sober
Chol Hamoed is sort of a calm time - will hopefully have the menuchas hanefesh to read some literature. 

Got loads of inspiration from ILH247 thread! [particularly his raw honesty and that he doesn't see the need to fenefer himself]
It's been a while since i've posted anything substantial... a combination of a couple of factors, lets see what happens.
I don't like posting when it's not 'fresh'
Top plate: going away with WW for a couple of days - going with an open mind and an  ability to surrender.
Not to the most tznuyus resort and have religious guilt, however I asked a shaala and  was told it's ok

Due to the constant pestering of a certain tzaddik i am giving an update - 
I haven't been posting for a while [it's not only the censored version that's been complaining...]
My menuchas hanefesh level is low - which really means that i'm not spiritually fully connected
I've been making calls and attending meetings, considering a new sponsor.
Kimat not missing a minyan or a teffila - but still alot of escaping...
I've been shtieign in Mir and yeshiva although still have constant fantasies of acting out [in person]
Basically sober [ie depends on the definition] - working on just for today
Have zero cheshek to have to go back to step one and thats what is holding me back

Day one
​will write up more tommorow iyh