Have B'H been clean for 30 days, so I'm pretty chuffed with that.

The last 2 or 3 days have been tough - I find myself looking at girls a lot, or thinking about things I shouldn't be when I'm bored at work or in bed trying to fall asleep. I'm feeling pretty frustrated. I have a new shidduch hopefully getting going next week (that I'm putting off due to an exam), so I'm hoping it will give a bit of perspective and induce me to pushing myself for a bit of extra patience.

Really really just want an honest, gentle, loving relationship with a young lady who returns my feelings. The y'h keeps trying to hijack my desires and twist them. Little concerned I'm expecting marriage to be a cure-all. Trying to keep things realistic and in perspective. Doesn't help that I've held off on physical relationships, so I'm curious and really just want to get there already.

sR

Hi Sonic,

I'm also 24, Baal Teshuva, and currently finishing college. (Dropped out for a 4 years in the middle, that's a whole story in itself). I live in America, although my parents are from London. So we have quite a bit in common.

My two cents are that
cent # 1: Being actively involved in the forum, reading and posting, can totally help chase away the YH for porn
cent # 2: The less you feed it, the more satiated it is. So the fact that you've held off on physical relationships may be preventing things from being much worse. I hear that if you cut out physical relationships and porn and masturbation, it can be relatively easy to wait 2,3,4 years before getting married. Especially if you are occupied with kedusha. So make sure you aren't rushing for the wrong reasons.

Keep up the good work!

Please read: www.guardureyes.com/GUE/RTwerski/startDating.asp

P.S. Please do something about your avatar, I can't sleep at night.  :o

Haha, sorry, will change it. Its kind of sentimental to me, but I understand

sR

sonicReducer wrote on 27 Jan 2010 21:12:
So is this the new or old one?

sonicReducer wrote on 04 Jan 2010 17:16:


If you haven't been told this before, this is a pretty common issue. 

One thing is to list exactly what your expectations are rather than any terminology (modern vs charedi)  to whoever is setting you up. 

For example, say that you have no intention to ever have TV in your home, but you read the newspaper.

-or-

You plan to learn x hours a day and work y hours a day.

And then keep in mind, more often than not, the shadchanim and even friends that set you up will misjudge these kinds of details.  So you may want to date people that don't necessarily meet the criteria -IF- your friends or shadchanim think its okay match anyway.

And as you already recoginzed having an Attitude that you don't fit in is detrimental. 

You already realized that you don't fit into the goyishe world by coming here... so you should fit it in ANYWHERE in the world of yidden.

I've found that once I'd been out with a few girls, my expectations had really broadened a lot. I got on very very well with a girl from a very different background to me. Even though it didn't work out, I learned a lot from it. I have a decent idea of where I want to go and what kind of home I want, so that helps to keeps things on track.

As for fitting into the community, that's a bit tougher. I found where I am to be quite insular (and I've spoken to a world-famous rav about this issue, and his experience mirrored mine quite closely). I think for now I need to keep in mind where I want to be going - once I'm married and have chosen where to live, that will be the community that I'll need to integrate with. Worrying about it now is silly since I'm not in a good place to deal with it. The girl I end up with will probably also be a big factor, e.g. if she's BT, or FFB and knows where she wants to be.

Its a challenge that I've been tending to view as a handicap, and I'm well aware that my attitude is not as positive as it should be

Sometimes it's difficult to be positive, especially when shidduchim aren't working out. But you can try...and work on being more positive!

Hey wats up SR?? wishing you the best in yourr shiduchim!! Have a great shabbos. And dont forget to keep on rollin. Your doin' ah great!! :D :D

Last few days have been too stressful. Baruch H-shem I'm still clean, but I'm struggling.

My parents are on the verge of divorce. Sad thing is that its been a long time coming. My father hasn't earned a living in about 10 years, and my mother is completely burned out from supporting everyone.

I am very angry with them, especially my father. He asked my mother for a separation on Sunday. He blamed me (yes, ME) for a breakdown she recently had, and for their problems. I recently moved out because I couldn't deal with living there any longer - I was more stressed out at home than I was at work. Sad thing was I was giving them money while I was there. He blamed my moving out for a breakdown she had (not the 10 years of 12 hour hospital shifts she's had to work while he brings in nothing). He blamed their extra struggling in the last month on me not helping them, not his lack of income for a decade.
He's 'working' on his own little financial deals that he's waiting for some big bank to rejoice about when he presents it to them. It's the financial equivalent of waiting for his rock band to make it. He blames his lack of progress on everyone around him not letting him concentrate.

My mother is going to my sister in another city today for a week. She's given my father 6 months to get something going or its over. I've heard this about 6 times already in the last 8 years, but at least this time there's a 3rd party dealing with them.

My y'h keeps whispering "do you know what would help you relax?"
I haven't done anything I'll regret. Pretty stressed out. Oh, and I have my first exam in about 2 years this morning. Great timing


Have made an appointment with a therapist later in the week, even just to get some of this stuff off my chest.

Hope everyone is having a better time than me (;

kol tov

Wow.  Just... wow. It's beautiful.
Do you even HEAR what amazing experiences you are conquering?!  Listen to yourself!

Family dissolving.  Attempts to blame you for that. Family financial woes thrown onto your own delicate shoulders.  Re-entering school.  Entering shidduchim. I think I've forgotten a few more, but you know.

And you're still here, to continue with your life. To take the school exam, and apparently to pass the other life exams, as well.

And on top of it all, you can report to your buddies here at GYE that you've been staying clean.

Whatever you've been eating for breakfast, or whatever shmira you might have gotten from a departed relative, or whatever else it is... I sure wish I had some.

I hope you can take a moment, maybe 10 seconds on the chime of each hour, to reflect on just how amazing it is that you're moving through such Big Events without serious stumble. You deserve that moment.

And I bentsch you that Hashem provide you with teflon coating for your battle clothes so that any possible stains will simply roll off and not make a permanent impression.  You are a victorious warrior -- perhaps a bit battle-weary this week (duh!), but still a man of true grit.  Sh'koiach.

Briut, your words of chizuk really blew me away. Thank you, they were really what I needed to hear

Things have calmed down a bit, but still very stressful. Thankfully, the GP said I need to take a few days off work (for something unrelated), so at least I have 4.5 days to just catch my breath.

Am still clean, but today has been tough. Need to soldier through, will make it with H's help

SR:  Well, I figured my comments were mostly a description of what I was seeing.  After all, when I see the grandeur of the Alps, I might feel awe but I doubt the Alps really need to get the compliment.  I'm pleased, though, if you got some chizuk out of hearing my perspective. From strength to strength.

I wish I had any practical advice, but that's hard for me.  You probably can't carry a laptop all day to read chizuk from GYE, so maybe you could think of a couple of simple things you could do on your own. 

For me, the method I put in the earlier post works well -- set my watch to chime on the hour and use the signal to say some nice things to myself for a few seconds.  You'll know what works well for you (or ask the therapist):  admire your strength, or feed yourself a chocolate or tell yourself 10-nice-things-about-you or....

Another thing I use as a last resort: write my current "me" a letter from a much older (wiser?) "me."  In other words, how would "me" at 50 want to mechazek the me at 25, if only they could meet. Hard to describe how/why this process works, but for me it's helpful.

I hope you'll use your time off for something important. (Gee, you think maybe the GP was acting on instructions of HKB'H ; have you thanked Him? LOOK HOW HE LOVES YOU!) Can you play some frum music or shiurim or whatever helps give you some chizuk and calm? You might want to make a formal schedule to use the time well.

Every arrow that's thrown in the path of this soldier and misses, simply reinforces how strong you are. And you are a soldier in the Army of Hashem - victory is assured.  You'll do fine.

I'm just echoing Briut's words here, but you are incredible - in the face of tremendous pressure, you're focusing on doing what's right. Fantastic!

You don't need me to tell you this, but I think you did the right thing by moving out. It still must hurt and make you feel bad when your father says things like that. Seeing a therapist is probably a good idea - are you going to someone who's been recommended by people you know and trust?

I hope your test went well...

As far as your time off, that's good - but make sure you keep busy doing things, get out of the house...no reason to be in a place of temptation all day, right?

Thanks guys ( ; had a tough morning but managed to get through it. Coming up on 40 days, which is a geshmack, a good milestone I think.

I did actually fail my exam, but I'm not so down about it. It was far far tougher than I expected, and it wasn't really particularly necessary either (not a school exam, but a company's qualification). I can rewrite whenever I feel ready, although I'm reconsidering doing it since it's not really in an area I work in - it was more of a 'nice to have', but we'll see.

Being off from work, as you said silentbattle, is a bit of double-edged sword. Yes, I have a chance to things a bit easier, but more free time can mean more temptation (thank G-d for my filter/whitelist). I have stuff from work to get on with at least, as well as a bit of cleaning and hobby stuff lying around that I enjoy. I treated myself to some new music. And booked a bit of time to catch a schmooze with one of my rabbaim, whos been really supportive.

Bit worried about my brain (!), have been having a hard time with migraines and symptoms that haven't really gone away. That's why the GP told me not to go into work - screens there were playing havoc with my head. I've been refered to a neurologist (brain doctor!), but please G-d it should be nothing, or something trivial.

Am seeing therapist tonight - I went to him already a few times and he's very good. He's frum which helps a lot, so he understands where I'm coming from.

Thanks a lot guys, your support has really helped over the last few days.