silentbattle - mostly worried about all the stuff with my folks, my father, my relationship issues, going to therapy, stuff like that. I've already had a tough time explaining to girls that immigration was hard on me and that I've struggled socially for a long time. I'm just concerned that me having 'baggage' will be a reason for girls to say no to me (obviously the right girl will still say yes regardless). It's hard enough to find someone who 'ticks the right boxes' without worrying about all the negatives. Anyway, it's very possible I'm needlessly anxious and I should be working on emuna/bitachon rather than kvetching  :D

As regards acting out, I think that is also something that needs to be discussed, but perhaps more under a more general umbrella of intimacy, or perhaps before. I haven't reached a point in dating where the relationship is at a level where this is relevant, but I think it's something I'd like her to know about before we are married. I do think it's quite a natural struggle (especially in this decadent society, and that's something girls can probably empathise with), and I'd anyway prefer my wife to be on my side than another antogonist

kol tov,
sR

Hi, just noticed that you're getting pretty close to 90 - KUTGW!!

How are things going?

Gosh, it's been a long time.

Just a quick update, really an excerpt from a recent PM:


I find my biggest struggle at the moment is being shomrei negia with my callah, and waiting until she's mutar. I'm not scared we'll do anything we shouldn't, but what's interesting is that I start looking around at other things a bit more. I look at women in the street a lot, and usually feel bad about it. I think in a way since my callah isn't 'giving' me what I want, I start to look for other outlets. Not good, very possibly something I need to discuss with a Rav.

I'm hoping the closeness of marriage will 'mitigate' this, at the moment she's just a friend that I've known for a few months that I've bought an expensive ring for, not yet the woman I've committed my life and my heart to. Something to keep an eye on.

Good Shabbos everyone, I'm going to a nice simcha tonight: sheva berachos for an older gentlemen who finally found his bashert!

kol tov,
sR

sR: So good to hear from you. For me, just one yachid taking a guess, something worth focusing on is... BUILDING A _MARRIAGE_. Not acquiring (?) a wife, or having a wedding, or fixing your family origin. Not even how to keep yourself from feeling < > or looking at < > or whatever.

The question is, will this [thought, word, action] be GOOD for the marriage or BAD for the marriage. Because you want, and deserve, to have the very best possible marriage from the beginning.

Because you deserve it. Because your work here has been so honest and deep and inspiring. Because Hashem loves you. Because Hashem wants the best possible world for all of us... which demands strong Jewish marriages/homes for building a next generation.

You're gonna do this. (And talking with a Rav is always good.)

sonicReducer wrote on 27 Aug 2010 16:00:


I have seen other people on the site express similar thoughts, in my lay opinion this kind of attitude that if your wife/ Kallah etc is not giving you what you want then your are entitled/ justified/ have the right to act out in some way, most probably wont lead you to a happy life. I would think about exploring it with a Rav or your therapist.

SR bad news for you. That same attitude will pop back the half a month your kallah (wife) will be assur to you. So now would be a good time to learn to deal with it. Just speaking from unfortunate experience.

Me3 wrote on 30 Aug 2010 00:07:
Ditto. In spades!

In the past (pre-GYE), I never really saw a problem acting out when we're assur to each other. I always tried to limit acting out to the separate times of the month and to focus on being with her during the muttar times.

I was mistaken.

I'm not talking about mistaken in terms of chet, going over a lav, etc. I'm talking about mistaken in terms of how I relate to my wife for half the month. (You know, when I don't 'need' her and so won't 'miss' her and so can't show the same longing for her that she's showing for me. And that's mostly about what this does to a relationship.)

When we can both SHARE that space of feeling a LACK, there's a level of intimacy during niddah that doesn't happen when I'm simply taking care of myself.

I HATE admitting this, and I'd probably never own these words in my non-virtual life, but I'm afraid it's true. Brutal honesty - yuk.

I have to rethink what I wrote, Briut agreeing with me?

Hi gents,

Thanks for the replies and the advice.

In all honesty, my callah and I have expressed to each other that being shomrei negiah is tough and we're looking forward to getting past it.
I feel for me that it's not just that I expect sex from her, and on the occasions that I can't get it I'd forget about her / ignore her / find something else ... I feel for her too much already, and I care for her too much to risk hurting her in such a way. Sex is really just a little part of physical intimacy I'm looking forward to ... just giving her a hug hello would be a big geschmack. I think in a way I'm looking at other things/women because that's what I've done in the past when I've felt this teiva, I don't really know how else to deal with it, and 'waiting for her' is a strange concept, because I essentially have no idea of what I am in fact waiting for.

Sex and physical intimacy is scary new ground for me. I've waited for marriage, and I recognize that any and all representations of sex I've seen in the secular world are sheker v'hevel, and not what I want. Of course I want the geschmach, there wouldn't be such a big deal made of it if it wasn't geschmack, but I know that there could be much, much more.

I'm relying a lot on my rabbonim at the moment. I'm learning with two, doing hilchos niddah with one , and with the other doing the more hashkafic side of things. His approach already (and we've only learnt together once so far) I've found to be very, very positive and helpful.
Even the hashkafic side of things is new to me. This wasn't really discussed with me at all as a bochur, so I'm only learning now (3 months into my engagement) how I should be approaching these big subjects.

I will discuss this side of things for certain when I get there. I admit my viewpoint is skew, but mostly cos it's the only viewpoint that has been presented to me. I will post further if there is anything on my mind or anything I need to ask. Thank you all for the advice and just for listening (reading?)  :D

Kol tov,
sR

90!!!