Session with therapist was good, if a little heavy going (not the easiest topic).

The maskana was (in very very brief terms):
the negatives:
yes, marriage is a risk. It can be very difficult. You'll never know if the person is the exact right person for you. And it can end
There are lots of unknowns
I have a lot of 'models' for what a bad marriage is

the positives:
if done right (i.e. through effort, communication, guidance), there's no more fulfilling relationship
Its an adventure - all those unknowns are something to discover together
There can be friendship, companionship, partnership, guidance, intimacy, and love
I have a lot of 'models' on how not to do things - halfway to the right way

This is a just a few of the points that came up. We also spoke about intimacy in a relationship, how a couple needs to develop a sense of 'us', and not just 'I' and 'I', that kinda stuff

I very much feel that I do want the positives, and that I'm very much capable of dealing with the negatives (assuming she does/can)

Although not back to 100%, definitely feeling much more positive (at one point in the session I felt like phoning a shadchan right there and then).
Feel like I've broken through a good few barriers that got put up in the last few weeks. Will give myself a bit more time, see how I'm doing and measure when's a good time to start dating.

Hope this post is sensible, was pretty exhausted when I typed this  :D
kol tov!
sR

After a night's sleep (not long enough to be called a good night's sleep  :D) feeling like I'm getting back to normal.

This is both good and bad;
good - since now I feel like I want to go find myself a nice lass and get hitched
bad - teiva's also getting back to normal

Can't really complain though  :D

kol tov

Pretty frustrated with my learning at the moment. I worked pretty hard during my year in yeshiva (which was a nisayon in its own way), and got to a level that I was quite proud of, though I was aware that I still had very far to go.
Now I've noticed a definite decline over the past few months. Slowly slowly my translation has slowed down, my vocab is smaller, I'm chupping less and less of the issues at hand ....

Not enjoying my learning at all. Canceled a chavrusa for tomorrow night because I couldn't face spending an hour thinking 'wish I was somewhere else, wish I was somewhere else ...'

Having a break at least over the next two weeks, hopefully chazara and doing something a bit different will recharge me a bit.


Bit of drama with my parents - My mother is going to my sister for Pesach. My father was going to go for the first few days of yom tov, and come back. My mother told me about 20 minutes ago that he's not going at all. I asked her if she was okay with it - she said yes, but I could hear she wasn't at all happy. He'll probably sit and munch the chametz that I sold, and anyone who says anything against it will just get an earful.

My mother's applied for two jobs outside of London, but my father doesn't want to leave. Really only the Aibishter knows whats gonna be, and He sure doesn't seem to be letting anyone know.


Spent a good part of the morning at the National Gallery in Trafalgar Square. Was good to do something cultural and touristy for once  :D


Otherwise I feel like I'm settling down a bit emotionally, considering speaking to shadchanim after Pesach, though that might be a bit premature.

kol tov,
sR

Keep sharing if you want to, that is what we are here for.

So, it sounds like you're going through pretty 'normal' stuff. With pretty normal reactions and emotions.

I'd say, 'normal' is normal.  Don't sweat it. You'll find yourself on a big upward swing very soon. (Don't sweat that, either!)  I'm happy for you. PM if you like.

Just a quick post before Shabbos. Thank G-d I'm starting to level out a bit. My parents' situation is still a mess (my mother has gone alone to my sister for Pesach, and has applied for 2 jobs outside of London), but I've distanced myself from it, really out of necessity.

Fell last night, almost 2 weeks clean. Really it was a mixture of loneliness, wanting to feel close to someone, feeling a bit tired of the constant battle. Hopefully the next few weeks will be busy enough to keep my shmira going strong.
It is very hard around here though, I'm constantly bombarded (as are most guys I assume) - women's fashions seem to get worse daily, the newspapers have pornography splashed on the covers, in the articles, posters and advertising is just as bad ..... Don't really understand how Hashem really expects us to be perfect in an environment like this. Anyway...

considering starting dating some time after Pesach. Not sure if this is premature, but I feel like I'm getting to a point emotionally that I'll be okay. Despite all that's happened I feel that I have a lot to offer (something people close to me have echoed, including my therapist).

My learning has collapsed a bit though, not so motivated or enjoying it much. I think I need to use Pesach to reboot a bit. I'm quite settled into my shmiras hamitzvos but sometimes I'm not so sure why I'm doing it, not sure what I enjoy about it. I do a lot of things because 'it's the right thing to do', or out of a sense of duty or expectation or fear of punishment .....
Not the best reasons.

Anyway, hope everyone has a good Shabbos  :D
sR

I can only say I think of you often.

Just a quick one - also to wish everyone a gut Moed and a gut Yom Tov

Was late for mincha yesterday (after looking at the wrong calendar entry, d'oh!), and overslept by an hour this morning (slept through my alarm, quite unusual for me). When I got to shul both times, I was flustered frustrated, rushed through davening (especially this morning, was pretty terrible).

The wierd thing is, in both cases (especially this morning) I felt very frustrated with myself. I dunno, I can't seem to cut myself any slack, it's got to be all or nothing. At least I'm aware of it, but the annoyance and irritation is not so easy to deal with, and I know other people can sense my mood.

Anyway .... I think I'm about 9 days clean so far, has been more or less okay.

kol tov,
sR

Just read 'Pursuit of Perfection' by Dr Sorotzkin - food for thought  :D

You don't have to be perfect, but you can still work on yourself...

You certainly do have a lot to offer. Whether or not now is the best time to start dating, I can't say - that's a question for a rebbe or therapist that knows you well and will be blunt and honest with you.

Whatever it is, keep us posted on what's going on, please. And keep growing!

It's always such a pleasure to hear how you keep going and spiraling upward above the sludge you're having to deal with. An impressive track record, eh mate?

Do YOU feel like it's an impressive upward spiral, sR?

Have been to post for a while - finally have a few minutes.

Briut - Sometimes I find the weight of what I've been dealing with and the feeling of getting through it kind of matching off.  The winner is usually determined by the one I choose. Unfortunately it's not always the best one, but I recognize enough that my seichel is in many ways the 'ace in the hole' - so I use that to ensure that I feel 'wow, I went through all that and I'm still a good guy? Impressive!', over anything else.

Spoke to my therapist on Thursday about dating, and we discussed it for a while. The maskana was that we both feel I'm ready to start again. I'm a little worried about how I'll broach all this stuff with a prospective callah, but I think that the kind of girl I'm looking for will be inclined to support me more than anything else.

I was at a wedding last night, of another baal teshuva I'm friendly with. Firstly they probably spent more money on that wedding than I'll probably see in my life, so that made me feel a bit anxious about marriage/weddings, but I know that they are definitely in the minority, and that most people are in the same boat more or less as me.
The ladies' dress was pretty much standard fare for a well-off, not very frum crowd, but honestly, even though I saw a lot of very pretty girls dressed not so tzniusly, I have to say (baruch Hashem) I really wasn't affected by it. I think there were too many things holding me back from really feeling interested or whatever - I don't want my wife to dress like that / she's not frum so not shayich / a jewish girl shouldn't dress like that / etc.
The ones I struggled with were the frum girls (for opposite reasons) and anyway they're the tznius ones.

Must dash to shacharis and then try to power through the day (pretty zonked).

kol tov, hope everyone is doing well
sR

PS 17 days clean  :D

sonicReducer wrote on 12 Apr 2010 05:17:


The start and end of your post seems to be the ikkar. All the rest is commentary.

Haha, absolutely  :D

17 days - that's fantastic! Keep it up!

When you say you're worried about "broaching all the this stuff" - you mean the overall issues you've been facing, or specifically acting out? Or both?